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Miguell Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote (and other student gaffes)
Thread poster: Teresa Duran-Sanchez

Teresa Duran-Sanchez  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 01:51
German to Spanish
+ ...
Apr 15, 2002

I think I\'d have a laugh if I were to teach again!



(Collected from real GCSE answers)

1 Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2 The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

3 Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4 Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5 The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t havehistory. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6 Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7 Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8 In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9 Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10 Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, hegasped out : “Tee hee, Brutes.”

11 Neo was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12 Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Cart provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

13 In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wroteliterature.

14 Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son” head.

15 Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen”. As a queen she was a success.

Whenshe exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah”.

16 It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important inventions was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17 The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18 Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguell Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost.Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19 During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20 Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called

Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21 One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in theirtea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post withoutstamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. ThomasJefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwardsand declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in1790 and is still dead.

22 Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestichostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep barearms.

23 Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. Onthe night of April 14th, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in hisseat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

24 Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.

Voltaireinvented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25 Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26 Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number ofchildren. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in hisattic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and halfEnglish. He was very large.

27 Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loudmusic. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28 The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted intoNapoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

29 The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30 Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

31 The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. Theinvention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. CyrusMcCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32 Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx bothers.

33 The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by ananahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


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Rick Henry  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 18:51
Italian to English
+ ...
My stomach still hurts... Apr 15, 2002

Thanks for a badly needed laugh



R.

==

Quote:


On 2002-04-15 15:42, Cidcampeador wrote:

I think I\'d have a laugh if I were to teach again!



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Klaus Herrmann  Identity Verified
Germany
Local time: 01:51
Member (2002)
English to German
+ ...
Thanks for a good laugh. Apr 15, 2002

Moses: \"He died before he ever reached Canada\" That\'s correct, isn\'t it?



This seems to be a condensed version of one chapter of \"Anguished English\" by Richard Flederer (or he wrote an extended version). A highly recommendable book.



Some of my favorites from this book are from the advertising and court room sections:



Sign in a jewelry store: \"Get you ears pierced while you wait\"



In a funeral parlor: \"Ask about our layaway plan\"



And from the court room section, Q & A:

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.



And another one from a restaurant: \"Special today - no ice cream\"



I guess I know what I\'ll be reading tonight...


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Elena Vazquez Fernandez  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 00:51
Member (2006)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Great! Apr 16, 2002

Have you read \"Antología del disparate\" Vol.I and II.?



Thank you for a good laugh!



)



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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 00:51
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
Geography howler Apr 16, 2002

Thanks for an entertaining read.



Your \"howlers\" were all from history, here is one from geography:



\"The equator is a menagerie lion running round the world.\"


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Aurora Humarán  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 20:51
English to Spanish
+ ...
:-) Apr 16, 2002

Thank you very much Cid!



Aurora´s endorphins


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Michaela Müller
Germany
Local time: 01:51
English to German
+ ...
Mmmh... Apr 16, 2002

I\'m just wondering where these obviously well-educated students come from...;-D



I am somehow glad to belong to that kind of people who know why to laugh at this.





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