The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted
them on the Sixteen Chapels.
The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives,
Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got
tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my
brother's son? My punishment is greater than I can bare."
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. But she only answered to Jean because
she could not speak English. He built an ark, which the animals came on to
in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
Saddam and Gomorrah were twins. Sodom and Gomorra was destroyed in the
Earthquakes (and fire) of 1906 & 1989.
Abraham begets Isaac and Isaac begets Jacob and Jacob begets 12 partridges.
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Abraham took Isaac
up the mountain to be circumcised. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother,
Esau's birthmark. Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for
a mess of potash. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be
patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave
refuse to the Israelites.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe
of the apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw. Moses was an
Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bulrushes. Moses led the Hebrews to the
Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. (When Adam
told Eve to "eat the apple" she slapped him.)
The Fifth Commandment is humoring thy father and mother.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.
Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he ever
reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The
greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and
he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He played the liar so
much for Saul that Saul wanted to speak to a ghost instead. But later Saul
changed his name to Paul and wrote letters instead of speaking. He wrote
psalms. They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the
David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all
his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in
the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshach, and To Bed We Go, and then Salome,
who was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she
danced before Harrods.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
She sang Acapulco, because opera and instruments hadn't been invented yet.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manager wrapped in waddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him
Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John,
the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He wrote the "B" Attitudes and explained, "Man doth not live
by sweat alone." Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle
when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the
We know the Magi arrived with the shepherds because every Christmas we see
pictures of them together. The Church won't let people lie at Christmas.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was
by profession a taximan.
Simon was called Peter -- it was like a nickname.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is
called monotony. The natives of Macedonian did not believe in Paul, so he
got stoned. Paul got hit on the head, Jesus had his head washed and oiled.
Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the
arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father,
the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch
the Christians die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, "The meek
shall inherit the earth."
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