'5000 words' - Funny song about our work by Sharon Neeman

FIVE THOUSAND WORDS
(Lyrics and music © by Sharon Neeman)

The clock showed close to quitting time; my desk was almost clear;
I thought perhaps I'd slip around the corner for a beer –
But the phone rang – and I answered – and a friendly voice said "Hi!"
It was the secretary of a legal firm nearby.

She said "Oh, please excuse me calling this late in the day,
But we have a new petition in a case that's under way;
Can you translate it tomorrow? Any time by five will do –
'Cause we wouldn't want to give the work to anyone but you…

It's… only…

Five thousand words for tomorrow at five;"
I thought "I'll do that easily; I'll scarcely have to strive,"
So I smiled and said "No problem; I'll just add it to my bill,
And you'll send a check on Friday?" And she said "You know we will."

* * *

I set to work at eight AM; I cut my lunch date short;
By five the stuff was ready to be filed before the Court;
I sent it off by email and I poured a cup of tea –
And the phone rang – and I answered – and a lawyer asked for me:

"I've just leafed through your translation, and I think it's very good,
And I'd like you to translate an affidavit, if you could;
It's the size of that petition – well, perhaps a little more –
And you know that I'd be grateful if you'd have it in by… four…

It's… only…

Six thousand words for tomorrow at four;"
I thought "I'll get up early; I've a longish day in store,"
And I shrugged and said "No problem; I'll just add it to my bill,
And you'll send a check on Friday?" And he said "You know we will."

* * *

I hit the desk at seven and I ate my lunch alone;
I never touched the Solitaire or gossiped on the phone;
At four o'clock I sent it off and shook my weary head –
And the phone rang – and I answered – and the junior partner said:

"I really have to thank you for a job superbly done,
And I'm sure you'll be delighted, 'cause we've got another one:
I've just finished my summation, and you know how glad I'd be
If your excellent translation could be on my desk by… three…

It's… only…

Eight thousand words for tomorrow at three;"
I thought, "It won't be easy… but I'll have the evening free,"
So I sighed and said "No problem; I'll just add it to my bill,
And you'll send a check on Friday?" And she said "You know we will."

* * *

I started at five-thirty, and my lunch was just a snack;
At three I typed the last few words and sent the email back;
I flexed my aching fingers and I silently rejoiced –
And the phone rang – and I answered – and the senior partner's voice

Said "You really are a wonder, and your talents are unique –
In fact, that's why we've kept you very busy all this week;
Now, I know that it's short notice, but I have to count on you –
For the Judge needs my rebuttal to be on her desk at… two…

It's… only…

Ten thousand words for tomorrow at two;"
I thought, "How can I tell him that it's just too much to do?"
But I groaned and said "No problem; I'll just add it to my bill,
And you'll send a check on Friday?" And he said "You know we will."

* * *

I staggered in at four AM; I never ate a bite;
But I got it done by two, although it was a trifle tight;
I was dizzy, I was queasy, and I thought I'd never budge –
But the phone rang – and I answered – and by God, it was the Judge!

She said, "I know you're tired, and I really hate to ask,
But there's no one in the city that can do this one last task:
For I've handed down my ruling," and she gave a modest cough,
"And at one PM tomorrow, the courier takes off…

It's… only…

Twelve thousand words for tomorrow at one;"
My mind screamed "No, Your Honor! There are things that can't be done!"
But the words came out "No problem; I'll just add… it… to… my… bill –"
And it's been four months since Friday, and the b*****s owe me still!