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Off topic: Silly but funny puns
Thread poster: two2tango

two2tango  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 12:48
Member
English to Spanish
+ ...
Nov 12, 2003

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15.Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19.Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow
road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22.One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he
become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?


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Gayle Wallimann  Identity Verified
Local time: 17:48
Member (2001)
French to English
+ ...
How funny... Nov 12, 2003

A laugh a day does us all some good.
Thanks!
Gayle


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PAS  Identity Verified
Local time: 17:48
English to Polish
+ ...
Sooooooo........ Nov 12, 2003

no. 5 finally explains it!

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Todd Field  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 09:48
Member (2003)
Portuguese to English
It is said... Nov 12, 2003

that if the pun is the lowest form of humor, it is therefore the foundation of humor.

A good comeback when your audience rolls their eyes at you...

Cheers,

Todd and Monica


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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 16:48
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
Why build walls round a graveyard? Nov 12, 2003

No. 15 about gas station bathrooms (or petrol station toilets, in proper English!)
reminds me of an old song, the first two lines of which are:

Why build walls round a graveyard, when nobody wants to get in?
Why build walls round a graveyard, when nobody wants to get out?

Why indeed? (Tried to find the rest of it on the Internet but without success)

And why do Americans call the toilet a bathroom? Must be rather difficult trying to take a bath in a toilet.


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Stephanie Mitchel  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 11:48
French to English
More... Nov 12, 2003

And why do Americans call the toilet a bathroom? Must be rather difficult trying to take a bath in a toilet.


Yes, and we call that \"campaign season\"! ;^)

Here are some more puns for those of you who haven\'t had enough. I like #1, 4, 7 and 12:

>The Washington Post\'s Style Invitational once again asked readers to
>take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
>changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
>
>Here are the 2003 winners:
>
>1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
>you realize it was your money to start with.
>
>2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
>
>3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
>bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
>little sign of breaking down in the near future.
>
>4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
>getting laid.
>
>5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
>subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>
>6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>
>7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
>person who doesn\'t get it.
>
>8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
>
>9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
>
>10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
>
>11. Karmageddon: It\'s like, when everybody is sending off all these
>really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it\'s
>like, a serious bummer.
>
>12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
>consuming only things that are good for you.
>
>13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
>
>14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
>they come at you rapidly.
>
>15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
>you\'ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
>
>16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
>bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>
>17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
>the fruit you\'re eating.
>
>18. Ignoranus (n): A person who\'s both stupid and an [ed.: well, you guessed it].


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Aurora Humarán  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 12:48
English to Spanish
+ ...
Thank you tútus! Nov 12, 2003

two2tango wrote:

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?



This is what I call wisdom!

Au


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Jean-Luc Dumont  Identity Verified
France
Local time: 17:48
English to French
+ ...
One for you Nov 12, 2003

Thank you for the puns and thanks stephanie for the defunnytions.

Takes two to tango and three to swing

JL


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GoodWords  Identity Verified
Mexico
Local time: 10:48
Spanish to English
+ ...
This reminds me of another one... Nov 13, 2003

two2tango wrote:
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?


17 bis. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?


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two2tango  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 12:48
Member
English to Spanish
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Brilliant!! Nov 13, 2003

GoodWords wrote:

two2tango wrote:
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?


17 bis. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?



Haydée:)


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Number 15 Nov 13, 2003

Number 15 should be removed. It is only 2/3 of a pun - pu.

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Narasimhan Raghavan  Identity Verified
Local time: 21:18
English to Tamil
+ ...
Thanks for a relaxing session Nov 14, 2003

I will try one. All generalizations are false, including this generalization.
Regards,
N.Raghavan


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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 16:48
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
Moderation Nov 14, 2003

A similar one to Narasimhan's is:

Moderation in all things, including moderation.


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