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Off topic: Anyone out there with a joke to tell?
Thread poster: Seadeta Osmani

Seadeta Osmani  Identity Verified
Croatia
Local time: 11:56
English to Croatian
+ ...
Jan 28, 2006

Hi people,

Is there anyone ready/willing to share a joke or two with us here? I really need something to make me laugh these days, so I was wondering if you guys... maybe... ???


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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 10:56
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
try "The Lighter Side" Jan 28, 2006

The forum "The Lighter Side of Translation and Interpreting" contains a large number of jokes and funny stories. I was looking in it only yesterday to find something I remembered from some years ago to pass on to a friend. It was this:

Deutsch ist einfach!

German is easy to learn, all you have to do is string one word after another. For example:

One day the Hottentots (Hottentotter) arrested a murderer (Attentäter) accused of having murdered a Hottentot mother (Hottentottermutter), of a deaf and dumb child (Stottertrottel). The mother was called Hottentotterstottertrottelmutter and her murderer Hottentotterstottertrottelmutterattentäter.

The police caught him and put him in a kangaroo cage (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter), from which he escaped. But a Hottentot warrior caught him, shouting: I’ve caught the murderer (Attentäter)!

Who? asked the chief.

The Lattengitterkotterbeutelrattenattentäter, replied the warrior. He’s the Hottentotterstottertrottelmutterattentäter!

Damn it! said the chief. Why didn’t you say in the first place that you’d captured the Hottentotterstottertrottelmutterlattengitterkotterbeutelrattenattentäter?

[Edited at 2006-01-28 02:06]


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PB Trans

Local time: 10:56
French to English
+ ...
Photo Jan 28, 2006

I found this photo amusing!



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Andrea Ali  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 07:56
Member (2003)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Excellent! Jan 28, 2006

Pina Nunes wrote:

I found this photo amusing!




Thanks for sharing it!

Andrea


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Gerard de Noord  Identity Verified
France
Local time: 11:56
Member (2003)
German to Dutch
+ ...
The world's funniest joke Jan 28, 2006

This joke is from LaughLab (http://www.laughlab.co.uk/), a huge scientific experiment to discover the world's funniest joke.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”


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Jo Macdonald  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 11:56
Member (2005)
Italian to English
+ ...
Still lafin’ Jan 28, 2006

Pina, awesome pic. I just nicked that for my profile.


Gerard, your, “make sure he’s dead” gets my vote.
Nice one.


Btw, while we’re on the subject. About those mails offering me instructions on how to get outrageous sex and Viagra at knockdown prices.

Or is that knockdown sex at outrageous prices with instructions on how to get to Viagra (which is apparently a small island off the coast of Brazil).
I’m confused.

Anyway, what is going on there?


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NancyLynn
Canada
Local time: 05:56
Member (2002)
French to English
+ ...

Moderator of this forum
Moving this thread Jan 28, 2006

...to the Lighter Side of T & I forum.

Nancy


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colinhurst
Local time: 10:56
German to English
My dog Jan 28, 2006

Seadeta Osmani wrote:

Hi people,

Is there anyone ready/willing to share a joke or two with us here? I really need something to make me laugh these days, so I was wondering if you guys... maybe... ???



Man; My dogs got no nose

Woman;How does he smell?

Man;Horrible

HA HA


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Lorenzo Lilli  Identity Verified
Local time: 11:56
German to Italian
+ ...
Tiger Woods Jan 28, 2006

Tiger Woods drives his huge BMW into a petrol station near Dublin, on a golf tour of Ireland.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is.
"Top o' d' mornin to you zir", says our attendant.
Tiger bends forward to pick up the pump, and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey, son?" ask the attendant.
"They're called tees", replies Tiger.
"What dey for?" enquires the Irishman.
"They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jaysus feck", says the Cork man, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything"



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Graciela Carlyle  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 10:56
English to Spanish
+ ...
the Hoff Jan 28, 2006

I don't know why but he's hilarious ... he's everywhere!!!! http://www.dropitlikeitshoff.com/postload.php?time=1138401239&gmt=0

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carly  Identity Verified
Italy
Local time: 11:56
Italian to English
+ ...
just got this one by sms (from ireland) Jan 29, 2006

Man's wife dies in Israel while on holiday.
De officials call de husband and say:
"We can bury your wife here for 150 quid, or we can fly de body home for 15,000 quid. What de ye think?"
De husband says "I want her flown home"
De official says "Why pay all that money when ye can have a funeral here for only 150 quid?"
De husband replies "2,000 years ago a man died in dat country and in three days rose from de dead. I just can't take dat feckin' chance"


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carly  Identity Verified
Italy
Local time: 11:56
Italian to English
+ ...
ok, here's some more...just have to share this lot with yez Jan 29, 2006

Have a few laughs - PETER KAY ONE LINERS!

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there
on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think
I've forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
Horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you
there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?


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Orla Ryan  Identity Verified
Ireland
Local time: 10:56
... Jan 29, 2006

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Hey, I can!!


(it's hard not to, don't know why...)


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