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Off topic: Linguistic jokes ;)
Thread poster: María Teresa Taylor Oliver

María Teresa Taylor Oliver  Identity Verified
Panama
Local time: 08:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
Aug 3, 2006

I've been reading about delightful twists of the language such as puns, spoonerisms, mondegreens, malapropisms, and the like, and I found this joke:

============
A fight broke out in a kitchen. Egged on by the waiters, two cooks peppered each other with punches. One man, a greasy foie gras specialist, ducked the first blows, but his goose was cooked when the other cold-cocked him. The man who beet him, a weedy salad expert with big cauliflower ears, tried to flee the scene, but was cornered in the maize of tables by a husky off-duty cob. He was charged with a salt and battery. He claims to look forward to the suit, as he's always wanted to be a sous-chef.
============

Hope you enjoy it


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Camelia Frunză
Romania
Local time: 16:49
English to Romanian
+ ...
children`s proverbs Aug 3, 2006

Nice joke Maria, thanks

And here is what innocence may come up with:

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of...termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.

Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.


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Piotr Wargan  Identity Verified
Poland
Local time: 15:49
English to Polish
+ ...
:-) Aug 3, 2006

Hello,

I personally liked the 'a salt and battery' part - reminded me of one Genesis song

Many thanks,

Piotr


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Charlotte Corty  Identity Verified
Local time: 15:49
English to Danish
+ ...
:-))) Aug 3, 2006

Thanks for cheering up this delightful summer evening...

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teju  Identity Verified
Local time: 07:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
Keep them coming Aug 3, 2006

That was very funny. It reminds me of a joke someone brought to a interpreting seminar that was along the same lines. I wish I could share it with you, but it was in Spanish.

Thanks for the laugh!


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Aurora Humarán  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 10:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
Here I go... Aug 3, 2006

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barman says "That's a nice newt. What's his name?"
The man says "Tiny". The barman says "Why do you call
him Tiny?". "Because", he replies, "he's my newt."


SORRY!!!


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María Teresa Taylor Oliver  Identity Verified
Panama
Local time: 08:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
"Tom Swifties" Aug 4, 2006

Glad you like 'em!

I LOVE word puns. I've been reading a lot about them lately, and I've found quite a few gems.

These are in the category known as Tom Swifties:

# "I'm afraid I flunked my electrocardiogram," said Tom half-heartedly.
# "I can't remember what I was supposed to buy," said Tom listlessly.
# "What would I need a prop gun for?" asked Tom blankly.
# "Who discovered radium?" asked Marie curiously.
# "I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
# "Me drown in Egypt? It'll never happen!" exclaimed Tom, deep in denial.
# "I'll never stick my arm in the lion's mouth again," Tom said offhandedly.
# "I'm wearing my wedding ring," Tom said with abandon.
# "I've changed my name to Patrick," Tom spat.
# "2 bdrm furn w c/h," said Tom aptly.

============
Tom Swifties are a relatively recent development of the Wellerism, so we shall first look at what a Wellerism is. Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable defines it thus:

Sam Weller in Charles Dickens' "Pickwick Papers" (1836-7) was prone to producing punning sentences such as: 'Out with it, as the father said to the child when he swallowed a farden [farthing]'. This type of verbal play, involving a metaphorical and a punningly literal sense, soon gained popularity under the name of wellerism, and a craze for devising such expressions rapidly sprang up on both sides of the Atlantic. A crude example familiar to children is: 'I see, said the blind man, when he couldn't see at all.'

A Tom Swifty is a Wellerism in which an adverb relates both properly and punningly to a sentence of reported speech.
============



You can find LOTS more at:

http://www.fun-with-words.com/tom_swifties_history.html

and

http://www.tomswifty.com/

Enjoy!




[Edited at 2006-08-04 15:21]


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María Teresa Taylor Oliver  Identity Verified
Panama
Local time: 08:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
:O) Aug 4, 2006


A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.


Thank you, Carmelia, that was really funny


I personally liked the 'a salt and battery' part - reminded me of one Genesis song

Many thanks,

Piotr


You're welcome, Piotr, glad you liked it Genesis rocks


Thanks for cheering up this delightful summer evening...

You're welcome, I hope the ones I posted just now put you in a weekend mood


I wish I could share it with you, but it was in Spanish.

Ah, amiga, you can share it with us in the Spanish forum, you know? Pretty please?



"Because", he replies, "he's my newt."


Ahem... Au, I didn't get it It must be that I haven't had my morning coffee yet

[Edited at 2006-08-04 15:33]


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teju  Identity Verified
Local time: 07:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
You got it! Aug 4, 2006

María Teresa Taylor Oliver wrote:


I wish I could share it with you, but it was in Spanish.

Ah, amiga, you can share it with us in the Spanish forum, you know? Pretty please?


Maria Teresa, I'll start a thread right now with the one I have in Spanish. Hopefully, others will follow.


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teju  Identity Verified
Local time: 07:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
Funny translations collected by Air France employees Aug 5, 2006

Tokyo hotel:
It is forbidden to steal hotel towels. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please not read this notice.

Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk. If you lose them in your room, we are not responsible.

Athens hotel:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Moscow hotel:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Paris dress shop:
Elegant dresses designed for street walking.

Greece tailor shop:
Order your summer suits early. Because of the big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

German camping site:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

Rome laundry:
Ladies, please leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Copenhagen airline:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norwegian lounge:
Ladies requested not to have children in the bar.

Acapulco hotel:
We are pleased to announce that the manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Tokyo car rental firm:
When passenger with heavy foot is in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Japanese hotel:
Cold and Heat: If you want to condition your room, please control yourself.

Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the women who are employed to clean rooms.


Hope you've enjoyed these pearls of wisdom as much as I did when I first read them! Cheers,

teju


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Aurora Humarán  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 10:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
hola Aug 5, 2006

María Teresa Taylor Oliver wrote:

Ahem... Au, I didn't get it It must be that I haven't had my morning coffee yet



I call him Tiny because he is my newt (minute).

Don't hate me!!!


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Aurora Humarán  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 10:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
http://www.proz.com/topic/31242 Aug 5, 2006

My favourite:


A former secretary of commerce liked to tell how a high ranking official once responded to a subordinate's request for a raise by saying, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to governmental statistics, it would be momentarily injudicious to advocate an incremental increase."

The staff person said, "I don't get it."

The official said, "That's right."



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Vertimai
Ireland
Local time: 14:49
Lithuanian to English
+ ...
Thank you Teju and Aurora Aug 7, 2006

Thank you Teju and Aurora; especially for the pun on "my newt" and the translations collected by Air France employees. I laughed until tears came !!

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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 14:49
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
"Loony Library" Aug 9, 2006

What about the "Loony Library" type jokes?

My own favourite: "How to Make A Million", by Robin Banks

And here are some I found on the Web:

“My Golden Wedding”, by Annie Versary
“A Load Of Rubbish”, by Stefan Nonsense
“Tape Recording Made Easy”, by Cass Ette
“Making The Most Of Life”, by Maxie Mumm
“Making The Least Of Life”, by Minnie Mum
“When Shall We Meet Again?” - by Miles Apart
“When Shall We Meet Again in Germany?” by Alf Wiedersehn
“The Arctic Ocean”, by I.C. Waters
“The Favourite”, by Willie Win and Betty Wont
“A Call For Assistance”, by Linda Hand
“Movie Monsters”, by Frank N. Stein
“Garden Design”, by Lily Pond
“Crossing The Road”, by Luke Bothways
“The Laser Weapon”, by Ray Gunn
“The Lady Artist”, by Andrew Pictures
“Don't Wake The Baby”, by Elsie Cries
“The Worst Journey In The World”, by Ellen Back
“Knocked For Six”, by Esau Stars
“My Happiest Day”, by Trudy Light
“Karate For Beginners”, by Flora Mugger
“Kidnapped”, by Caesar Quick
“The Haunted Room”, by Hugo First
“The Bad Striker”, by Mr. Goal
“Making Waterproof Clothes”, by Anne O’Rack & Mac Intosh
“Late Again”, by Misty Buss
“Magic For Beginners”, by Beatrix Stir
“English Folk Customs”, by Maurice Dancer
“Quick And Easy Meals”, by Sam Widge

And one I just made up:
"New Topic in a ProZ Forum", by Fred Poster


[Edited at 2006-08-09 09:49]

[Edited at 2006-08-09 22:33]


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María Teresa Taylor Oliver  Identity Verified
Panama
Local time: 08:49
English to Spanish
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
:) Aug 9, 2006



Maria Teresa, I'll start a thread right now with the one I have in Spanish. Hopefully, others will follow.


Gracias, Teju


I call him Tiny because he is my newt (minute).


Jajaja, after many minutes, I did get it


What about the "Loony Library" type jokes?



Thank you, Jack, that was really funny


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