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Thread poster: Evert DELOOF-SYS

Evert DELOOF-SYS  Identity Verified
Belgium
Local time: 12:04
Member
English to Dutch
+ ...
May 8, 2002

Hilarious!



English teachers have the inconsiderate habit of assigning mammoth-sized works of literature to read and then actually expecting you to do it. This wouldn\'t be so bad except that invariably the requisite reading is as boring as fly fishing in an empty lake. Half of those books don\'t even have discernible plots. And let\'s face it -- the Cliff\'s Notes are pretty time-consuming too. Worry no more. Your troubles are over. We here at Book-A-Minute Classics have come up with a solution. We\'ve taken all kinds of great works of literature and boiled them down to their essence, extracting all the filler (and believe me, there\'s a lot of it sometimes). In just one minute, you can read entire books and learn everything your teachers will expect you to know.



\"That\'s nice,\" you say, \"but I don\'t believe you.\" Yah hah, skeptical soul! We\'ve got our collection of ultra-condensed books right here! We\'ve got everything from Shakespeare to Steinbeck! See for yourself!





One example:



Faust

By Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker





Faust

I\'m a symbol of humanity. (tries to kill himself)



Mephistopheles

I\'m the devil. (does evil)



Faust

Devil, let\'s make a deal.

(They do, but it goes BAD.)



Faust

This sucks. Devil, fix things.



Mephistopheles

Uh, I can\'t. Uh. You have to go seek the mysterious underworld beings called the \"Mothers\" who have the power to help you. Yeah. That\'s it.



(Faust DIES and lives HAPPILY EVER AFTER, because Mephistopheles was too busy picking up CHICKS.)



THE END



----------------



For those of us with kids, who need to tell bedtime stories



The kids want a bedtime story again?



Kids love it when their parents read to them at bedtime. But let\'s face it. In today\'s society, time is of the essence. There\'s only so much you can do in a day, and there isn\'t a lot of time left to spend with your children and a good book. Never fear. We here at Book-A-Minute Bedtime have come up with a solution. We\'ve taken all the great bedtime stories kids love and extracted the important stuff, cutting out all the filler. You\'ll be able to read entire books to your children -- entire series, even -- in just one minute! They\'ll get the idea, and you won\'t miss your favorite sitcom reruns.



\"That\'s nice,\" you say, \"but I don\'t believe you.\" Yah hah, skeptical soul! We\'ve got our collection of ultra-condensed books right here! We\'ve got everything from Dr. Seuss to the Hardy Boys! See for yourself!



Here\'s one:



The Hobbit

By J. R. R. Tolkien

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker





Bilbo Baggins

Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone\'s at the door.



Balin

We\'re dwarves. I\'m the merry one.



Dwalin

I\'m the happy one.



Fili

I\'m the young one.



Kili

I\'m the other young one.



Dori

I\'m the funny one.



Nori

I\'m the joyous one.



Ori

I\'m the cute one.



Oin

I\'m the jolly one.



Gloin

I\'m the silly one.



Bifur

I\'m the one with the funniest name.



Bofur

I\'m the one with the looniest name.



Bombur

I\'m the fat one.



Thorin

I\'m the one with a distinct personality.



Gandalf

Now that you\'re all here, let\'s go on a quest.



(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.)



Bilbo Baggins

What have I got in my pocket?



Gollum

I don\'t know.



(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.)



Smaug

I\'m an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.



(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the dragon, and it makes a MESS.)



Bilbo Baggins

I\'m going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.



THE END



--------------



For more, simply click:



http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/classics.shtml



http://www.rinkworks.com/bookaminute/bedtime.shtml
[addsig]


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Pernille Chapman  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 11:04
Member (2004)
English to Danish
+ ...
Brightens up a dull day in Scotland...! May 8, 2002

Thanks a lot - just what I needed to get me through the day! The \"condensed Hobbit\" is particularly good. I thought it was just me who couldn\'t keep up with the PACE...



More of the same, please.


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