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This Rooster Crow Poem Draft Is Good enough?
Thread poster: ivo abdman

ivo abdman
Indonesia
Local time: 21:34
English to Indonesian
+ ...
Feb 28, 2008

Hi all

Continuing my post http://www.proz.com/topic/94817, herewith I enclosed my poem. Would you like to give me any suggestions, critics, comments, and etc regarding the terms I have choosed especially so that the poem could be more life and nice sound in English. Many thanks in advance

Ceker Ayam

Nun jauh di sana ...
Mengawali pagi yang sibuk ...

iN RUSSIA ROOSTER SCREAMS "KU-KA-RRE-KU`"!!!!!
In Spanish they scream "QUIQUIRIQUÍ"

english roosters say Cockle-doodle-dooo! and the Francophone roosters say Co-co-ree-co!

In Germany they say Kikerikie!
and in Finnish kukkokiekuu!
In Dutch:Kukeleku
In Taiwan they crow in the North "Wowowo!" and in the South "Gugugu!"
In Turkish ü-ürü-üüüü

sementara di sini mereka berkokok "ku ku ru yuuuk"

demi menyemangati bokin mereka tercinta dalam memendeli cacing-cacing yang sedang asyik ngulet

dengan modal sepasang ceker jeleknya

demi dua buah hatinya yang masih pitik

yang menciap-ciap meneriakkan amanat perut mereka


Tranlation draft

Chicken Claws

Far away over there ...
Starting the busy morning ...

iN RUSSIA, ROOSTER SCREAMS "KU-KA-RRE-KU`"!!!!!
In Spanish they scream "QUIQUIRIQUÍ"

English roosters say Cockle-doodle-dooo! and the Francophone roosters say Co-co-ree-co!

In Germany they say Kikerikie!
and in Finnish kukkokiekuu!
In Dutch:Kukeleku
In Taiwan they crow in the North "Wowowo!" and in the South "Gugugu!"
In Turkish ü-ürü-üüüü

While here they crow "Ku ku ru yuuuk"

To encourage their beloved mistresses to peck worms enjoying their wake up wiggle

Provided with a pair of her ugly claws

For the sake of the two of her darling baby chicks

tweeting to utter the messages of their tummies



Reff:

1. http://www.proz.com/topic/94817

The terms of interest:

2. bokin (misstress)
http://www.proz.com/kudoz/2441719

3. demi buah hatinya --> for the sake of the two of darling baby chicks
http://www.proz.com/kudoz/2433956

4. menciap-ciap --> tweeting
http://www.proz.com/kudoz/2414290

5. ngulet --> wake up wiggle
http://www.proz.com/kudoz/2412187

6. meneriakkan amanat --> utter the messages of
http://www.proz.com/kudoz/2418437

7. ceker jeleknya --> her ugly claws
http://www.proz.com/kudoz/2416967

8. masih pitik --> baby chicks
http://www.proz.com/kudoz/2419760

[Edited at 2008-02-28 15:32]


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Marie-Hélène Hayles  Identity Verified
Local time: 16:34
Italian to English
+ ...
What do you need it for? Feb 28, 2008

ivo abdman said:
To encourage their beloved mistresses to peck worms enjoying their wake up wiggle
...

For the sake of the two of her darling baby chicks




Ivo, it's absolutely charming - I'd change it as little as possible, unless you really need to have it completely grammatically correct.

There are a few constructions which aren't native, it's true, but they just add to its charm IMO. The only things I think you do need to change are:
1) use of the word "mistresses", which has a rather unfortunate implication in English. Fortunately you can just say to encourage their beloved to peck worms enjoying their wake-up wiggle.

Love "wake-up wiggle", by the way! (I'd stick a hyphen in, to make its meaning clearer).

2) it should be For the sake of two of her darling baby chicks



[Edited at 2008-02-28 16:02]


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ivo abdman
Indonesia
Local time: 21:34
English to Indonesian
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Thanks, I have new clearer image now about the poem Feb 28, 2008

Marie-Hélène Hayles wrote:

1) use of the word "mistresses", which has a rather unfortunate implication in English. Fortunately you can just say to encourage their beloved to peck worms enjoying their wake-up wiggle.



Thanks, I have new clearer image now about the poem

I agree with the others, but regarding no. 1, would you like to explain me what the unfortunate implication ? I am very need the term of "his illegal wife/lady" there, is your suggestion already address my needs ?


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Marie-Hélène Hayles  Identity Verified
Local time: 16:34
Italian to English
+ ...
Oh, in that case... Feb 28, 2008

ivo abdman wrote:

Marie-Hélène Hayles wrote:

1) use of the word "mistresses", which has a rather unfortunate implication in English. Fortunately you can just say to encourage their beloved to peck worms enjoying their wake-up wiggle.



Thanks, I have new clearer image now about the poem

I agree with the others, but regarding no. 1, would you like to explain me what the unfortunate implication ? I am very need the term of "his illegal wife/lady" there, is your suggestion already address my needs ?


"mistress" is exactly the term you need! Sorry, I assumed you were misusing it, but clearly I was wrong (I hadn't checked out the Kudoz question links).
Illegal (or perhaps just illicit) lady is the unfortunate implication I was referring to.

[Edited at 2008-02-28 17:15]


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Russell Jones  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 15:34
Member (2004)
Italian to English
A british cockerel says: Feb 28, 2008

Cock-a-doodle-doo

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JaneTranslates  Identity Verified
Puerto Rico
Local time: 10:34
Member (2005)
Spanish to English
+ ...
In the USA too. Feb 29, 2008

Russell Jones wrote:

Cock-a-doodle-doo


U.S. roosters, noted for their excellent spelling skills, also say "cock-a-doodle-doo," not "cockle-doodle-doo."


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ivo abdman
Indonesia
Local time: 21:34
English to Indonesian
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Is there any ref. or anything backing your both corrections Feb 29, 2008

JaneTranslates wrote:

Russell Jones wrote:

Cock-a-doodle-doo


U.S. roosters, noted for their excellent spelling skills, also say "cock-a-doodle-doo," not "cockle-doodle-doo."



Thanks, for your both accurate aware. Would you like to provide me with ref. or link like wikipedia or anything such that I could change its spell

I always to be opened for additional cockerel or roosters crows from another country like japan or others. Or you could add any suggestions to my kudoz questions (three questions are still opened)

[Edited at 2008-02-29 04:21]


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Pernille Chapman  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 15:34
Member (2004)
English to Danish
+ ...
If you want to include a Danish one... Feb 29, 2008

...it would probably thank you by saying "kykeliky"!

Good luck with your poem - it's a lovely idea.


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Marie-Hélène Hayles  Identity Verified
Local time: 16:34
Italian to English
+ ...
cock-a-doodle-doo Feb 29, 2008

True, I hadn't noticed the spelling error.

ivo abdman wrote:


Thanks, for your both accurate aware. Would you like to provide me with ref. or link like wikipedia or anything such that I could change its spell



http://www.apples4theteacher.com/mother-goose-nursery-rhymes/cock-a-doodle-do.html

[Edited at 2008-02-29 08:28]


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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 15:34
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
African cockerels Feb 29, 2008

This page has a few more, mostly in African languages.
http://www.dnp.co.jp/museum/nmp/nmp_i/articles/artist/1023/namibia12.html


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ivo abdman
Indonesia
Local time: 21:34
English to Indonesian
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Kraii - Afrikaan (has been killed while crowing ? :-)) Feb 29, 2008

Jack Doughty wrote:

This page has a few more, mostly in African languages.
http://www.dnp.co.jp/museum/nmp/nmp_i/articles/artist/1023/namibia12.html



Thanks I found in the site

Kukulushu - Oshindonga
Cock-a-doodle-do - English
Kokora - Heraro
Kikeriki - German
Umsindo - Zulu
Kukurukuu - Damara
Kokokoo - Tswana
Cocorico - French
Cocoricoo - Portugese
Kraii - Afrikaan
Cocorigoo - Changama


Kraii - Afrikaan (has been killed while crowing ?)

and thanks for Marie-Hélène Hayles for refference

[Edited at 2008-02-29 14:42]


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Paula Mangia Garcia Terra  Identity Verified
Brazil
Local time: 11:34
English to Portuguese
+ ...
Cocoricó Mar 7, 2008

ivo abdman wrote:


Thanks I found in the site

Kukulushu - Oshindonga
Cock-a-doodle-do - English
Kokora - Heraro
Kikeriki - German
Umsindo - Zulu
Kukurukuu - Damara
Kokokoo - Tswana
Cocorico - French
Cocoricoo - Portugese
Kraii - Afrikaan
Cocorigoo - Changama



In portuguese is more "Cocoricó" that is also a tv show.

http://www.tvcultura.com.br/cocorico/index.htm

[Editada em 2008-03-07 02:53]


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