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Off topic: Training Offer: Becoming a Real Man
Thread poster: Borana Moisiu
Borana Moisiu
Albania
Local time: 11:27
English to Albanian
+ ...
Sep 24, 2003

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage, Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree.... TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule: from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
2 Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening""
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
Just a thought for all the women out there...MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist (poetic spelling).
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?...and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy.


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Edwal Rospigliosi  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 11:27
Member (2004)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Men have feelings, too. Sep 24, 2003

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
You can handle it. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act
like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not
both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. ALL men
see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a
fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what! mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.


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NancyLynn
Canada
Local time: 05:27
Member (2002)
French to English
+ ...
Too funny!! Sep 24, 2003

Both are hysterical!

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Will Matter  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 02:27
English
+ ...
i sleep on the couch, anyhow Sep 25, 2003

as a matter of CHOICE and agree that peach and pumpkin are ONLY fruits. Very funny!

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jmadsen  Identity Verified
Local time: 11:27
Tell'em, Edwal Sep 25, 2003

Quotes on women by W.C. Fields:

No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.

(To the question: Do married people live longer?--Fields responded:)
"No, it just seems longer."

Jørgen


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lien
Netherlands
Local time: 11:27
English to French
+ ...
To good and true, both ! Sep 25, 2003



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Edwal Rospigliosi  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 11:27
Member (2004)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Don't tell my wife, but... Sep 25, 2003

hahahahaha!
Jørgen Madsen wrote:

(To the question: Do married people live longer?--Fields responded:)
"No, it just seems longer."

Jørgen


[Edited at 2003-09-25 13:52]


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Edwal Rospigliosi  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 11:27
Member (2004)
English to Spanish
+ ...
I want to share a secret Sep 25, 2003


MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM


I'm a graduate in it. A friend told me the secret: If you arrive in silence, take off your shoes and quietly undress, and try to furtively sneak in bed, she (who was awake all the time) will jump at you and tell the riot act, with the most colorful language imaginable. On the other side, if you arrive making all kind of noises, bang all the doors, go directly to the bed and shout: "Honey, I'm home. Gimme a big kiss!" Guess what? She will pretend to be asleep.

So my dear fellow men, this is the Jedi knight secret. Use it wisely.


[Edited at 2003-09-25 17:33]

[Edited at 2003-09-25 19:50]


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invguy  Identity Verified
Bulgaria
Local time: 12:27
English to Bulgarian
Whew, I nearly overlooked this one :))) Sep 25, 2003

Hilarious!!! Thanks, everyone!


Here's my contribution:

Female Catch 22: A woman never knows exactly what she wants, but she always wants it immediately.


BTW it was a girl I heard this from... she was trying to educate me...

[Edited at 2003-09-26 05:35]


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sylver  Identity Verified
Local time: 17:27
English to French
Where is that school? Sep 26, 2003

I know more then a few girls who should enroll urgently.

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two2tango  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 06:27
Member
English to Spanish
+ ...
Building bridges Sep 26, 2003

I don't want to spoil the party, but building bridges is part of my nature. If someone ever asks me what race am I, I plan to say "human".

We are are different, but the spread of our differences pales when compared with all we share.

Enrique Cavalitto



Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:

You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow.

by Khalil Gibran
The Prophet


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Aurora Humarán  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 06:27
English to Spanish
+ ...
Another ...spoiler? Sep 26, 2003

two2tango wrote:

I don't want to spoil the party, but building bridges is part of my nature. If someone ever asks me what race am I, I plan to say "human".

We are are different, but the spread of our differences pales when compared with all we share.

Enrique Cavalitto




Aurora


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Edwal Rospigliosi  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 11:27
Member (2004)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Laugh is good Sep 26, 2003

I don't think so. Remember that the ability of laughing of our own failings is one of the wonderful qualities of human beings.

I'd sure need to take some courses in that college, and my wife should listen some of those advices, but we love each other and that's what really matters.

Regards

Edwal

AURORA HUMARAN wrote:

two2tango wrote:

I don't want to spoil the party, but building bridges is part of my nature. If someone ever asks me what race am I, I plan to say "human".

We are are different, but the spread of our differences pales when compared with all we share.

Enrique Cavalitto




Aurora


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two2tango  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 06:27
Member
English to Spanish
+ ...
Laugh is very good Sep 26, 2003

Edwal Rospigliosi wrote:

I don't think so. Remember that the ability of laughing of our own failings is one of the wonderful qualities of human beings.



It is OK, Edwal, I fully agree with your quote above.

I am not judging the thread, nor critizising anyone. I only felt like offering a counterweight. I feel a little uneasy when people get replaced by a label. Or when something that starts as a joke may turn into anger.

Kindest regards,
Enrique


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Aurora Humarán  Identity Verified
Argentina
Local time: 06:27
English to Spanish
+ ...
Laugh is good Sep 26, 2003

Laugh is good... I couldn´t agree more! You have not been here for very long, but believe me I have a very good sense of humor.

Although we are in "subjective waters", let us agree that human beings don´t laugh at the same things.

There are a couple of things I would never ever laugh at.

Au


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