Off topic: Forgotten lessons in history
Thread poster: NancyLynn

NancyLynn
Canada
Local time: 03:07
Member (2002)
French to English
+ ...

MODERATOR
Nov 20, 2003

Boy, I cried with laughter reading this. Read carefully, you will learn a lot. Some things I just don't remember from my school days !

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and
in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages.


They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who
all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread,which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever
reached Canada but the commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was
a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was busy, too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv
now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying,he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"
and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.


Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which
was very dangerous to all his men.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies,comedies,and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in
Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was
having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands.Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got
shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composerin the world and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
> The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions.People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up.
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Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
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Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.
It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it
was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours
but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did since her but they didn't get
to find radios because they were already taken.
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Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies.Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

N


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David Lavie
United States
Local time: 10:07
Russian to English
+ ...
Unsurpassed! Nov 20, 2003

- and unsurpassable. Turns out that a little learning is also a funny thing.

Thank you for the laughter and the tears (from the laughter).

NancyLynn wrote:

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread,which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever
reached Canada but the commandos made


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Edwal Rospigliosi  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 09:07
Member (2004)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Incredible! Nov 20, 2003

NancyLynn wrote:

Boy, I cried with laughter reading this. Read carefully, you will learn a lot. Some things I just don't remember from my school days !



Ohmygod! I don't know how to stop laughing!

It was a long time since I cried with laughter, but this did it!


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Thierry LOTTE  Identity Verified
Local time: 09:07
Member (2001)
English to French
+ ...
A new talentuous theater critic Nov 20, 2003

Nancy wrote :



Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in
Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was
having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.




At least a clear analysis about this play !

Now, I understand the whole matter...


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invguy  Identity Verified
Bulgaria
Local time: 10:07
English to Bulgarian
ROTFL!!! Hilarious!!!!!! Nov 20, 2003

Bless you, Nancy, you made my evening after a pretty tiring day

A friend who just came by was puzzled to see me yelling with laughter, sitting alone in front of the computer. Later he joined the laughter session... Whew! I need a drink now...


He-he-e-e!


NancyLynn wrote:

The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.


Frankly, I've always supected Milton was to blame for that, but I wasn't sure...


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Edwal Rospigliosi  Identity Verified
Spain
Local time: 09:07
Member (2004)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Perhaps they're right, after all... Nov 28, 2003


Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread,which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever
reached Canada but the commandos made it.


I suppose the commandos had better training


Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was
a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was busy, too.

I'd be hysterical with a porcupine in my -well, you know-, too.


Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying,he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."

perhaps he didn't say that, but I'd bet he thought it.


Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote.

And I suppose his wife was Rosey Nante



[Edited at 2003-11-28 00:04]


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