Paul Dixon Brazil Local time: 15:59 Member (2009) Portuguese to English + ...
Feb 7
The Restaurant
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, a Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant....
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group and barring their entrance, "You can't come in without a Thai."
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Jan Rausch Germany Local time: 20:59 Member (2010) German to English + ...
:)
Feb 7
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Giles Watson Italy Local time: 20:59 Member Italian to English
An Englishman...
Feb 7
... walks into a restaurant with Sir Alex Ferguson, José Mourinho and Fabio Capello but the maître d' tells him, "I'm sorry sir. We can't let you in with those trainers".
The old ones are the best ones
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Rachel Fell United Kingdom Local time: 19:59 Member (2005) French to English + ...
Yes
Feb 8
I liked them too, and heard the first one delivered on the radio early this evening, together with:
Conjunctivitis - a site for sore eyes (obviously better spoken than read)
- and others I unfortunately can't remember
[Edited at 2012-02-08 20:01 GMT]
Yes, Conjunctivitis.com - a site for sore eyes - thanks Giles! Telling jokes isn't my forte...;-)
[Edited at 2012-02-09 17:06 GMT]
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Jan Rausch Germany Local time: 20:59 Member (2010) German to English + ...
Tim Vine
Feb 8
I have a feeling the conjunctivitis joke is a Tim Vine one. He's got some good one-liners, such as:
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Exit signs - they're on the way out.
Black Beauty, he's a dark horse.
...
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A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another man riding on a camel. As the rider approaches, the crawling man whispers through his parched lips, "Water ... please ... can you give ... water ..."
"I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
"Necktie?" whispers the man. "I need water!"
"They're only four dollars apiece."
"I need water."
"Okay, okay, two for seven dollars."
"Please! I need water!" the man exclaims.
"I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, as he heads off into the distance.
By now the man has lost all track of time, crawling through the desert seemingly for days. Finally, nearly dead, with clothes tattered and skin peeling under the relentless sun, he comes upon a restaurant. Summoning his last bit of strength, he staggers to the door and confronts the head waiter.
"Water ... can I get ... water," the dying man pleads.
"I'm sorry, sir. Our dress code requires a tie" replies the waiter.
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missdutch Netherlands Local time: 20:59 Member (2010) English to Italian + ...
Bob Monkhouse
Feb 9
"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now."
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Giles Watson Italy Local time: 20:59 Member Italian to English
LAFTAs
Feb 9
Rachel Fell wrote:
I liked them too, and heard the first one delivered on the radio early this evening, together with:
Conjunctivitis - a site for sore eyes (obviously better spoken than read)
- and others I unfortunately can't remember
It must have been the LAFTA awards, although the Tim Vine joke is admittedly funnier if you put "dotcom" after "conjunctivitis"
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Rachel Fell United Kingdom Local time: 19:59 Member (2005) French to English + ...
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Phil Hand China Local time: 02:59 Member (2011) Chinese to English
Stephen Fry...
Feb 9
...evolved the Bob Monkhouse joke:
In the sixth form we got careers advice. When asked what I wanted to be, I said: "A careers guidance counselor." The careers guidance counselor sneered at me, and said, "Comedian, eh!"
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George Hopkins Sweden Local time: 20:59 Swedish to English
an
Feb 11
There's at least one an missing in the original story.
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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
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Natalia Pedrosa Spain Local time: 20:59 Member (2008) English to Spanish + ...
Khrystof
Feb 12
Krzysztof Kajetanowicz wrote:
Eats shoots and leaves."
I laughed my heart out, verrrry good one!
Natalie
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Suzan Hamer Netherlands Local time: 20:59 Member (2007) English + ...
So, then, Natalia, you would probably get a big bang out of the book by Lynne Truss.
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