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Off topic: Medical bloopers - doctors' notes
Thread poster: Trudy Peters

Trudy Peters  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 22:50
German to English
+ ...
Jul 17, 2004

Too much work, too much to think about are probably the reasons that lead to the following mistakes and bloopers which were assembled from patients charts!

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.
Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.


www.thedoctorslounge.net/humor/bloopers.htm

The photos on that site are hilarious, too

[Edited at 2004-07-17 19:00]


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Catherine Bolton  Identity Verified
Local time: 04:50
Member (2002)
Italian to English
+ ...
Thanks Trudy! Jul 17, 2004

I'm sitting here laughing aloud over these!
Catherine


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Lucinda  Identity Verified
Local time: 23:50
Member (2002)
Dutch to English
+ ...
Thanks, Trudy Jul 17, 2004

This is so funny! I am on a dry legal translation and it was just what the doctor ordered.

Lucinda.


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LCK
United States
Local time: 22:50
English to Spanish
+ ...
Thanks Trudy, this is great :-) Jul 17, 2004

Trudy Peters wrote:

Too much work, too much to think about are probably the reasons that lead to the following mistakes and bloopers which were assembled from patients charts!

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
A midsystolic ejaculation murmur heard over the mitral area.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.
She can't get pregnant with her husband, so I will work her up.
Whilst in Casualty she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.
He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.
The patient is a 79-year-old widow who no longer lives with her husband.
The patient refused an autopsy.
Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in the Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.


www.thedoctorslounge.net/humor/bloopers.htm

The photos on that site are hilarious, too

[Edited at 2004-07-17 19:00]


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Narasimhan Raghavan  Identity Verified
Local time: 08:20
English to Tamil
+ ...
Here are some more medical bloopers Jul 17, 2004

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly.She also appears to be depressed.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection.However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

See: http://www.joke-around.com/jokes/medical_joke_1555.htm

I tried to remove repetitions.

Regards,
N.Raghavan


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RHELLER
United States
Local time: 20:50
French to English
+ ...
I needed a laugh! Jul 18, 2004

Thanks Trudy

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xxxElena Sgarbo  Identity Verified
Italian to English
+ ...
Thanks, Trudy, Narasimhan :-))) Here are excerpts from comments made in Court Jul 18, 2004

The book "Disorder in the American Courts" published excerpts of things people actually said in court -and were taken down by court reporters who had to stay calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Enjoy!


Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Edited at 2004-07-18 12:55]


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Kathinka van de Griendt  Identity Verified
Local time: 04:50
Member (2004)
German to English
+ ...
Tears in the morning! Jul 18, 2004

Trudy, Elena, Narasimhan! I always go to Proz.com first thing in the morning, but up to now it had never resulted in me laughing 'til I cried. Thanks guys, it made my day!))

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Klaus Herrmann  Identity Verified
Germany
Local time: 04:50
Member (2002)
English to German
+ ...
Need more? Jul 18, 2004

Here's more. My favorites, so far:

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter".

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

http://www.mistupid.com/people/page027.htm


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