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Off topic: Puns
Thread poster: PAS

PAS  Identity Verified
Local time: 02:58
English to Polish
+ ...
Aug 30, 2004

Just got these from a colleague...

You may have seen them before, but early in the morning they're sort of fun.

1.Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2.Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much - he became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have you
kayak and heat it too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds," They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they
did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ......A super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was this fellow who sent ten different puns to his
grumpy friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did !

Pawel Skalinski

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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 01:58
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
Thank you! Aug 30, 2004

I'd seen a few of those, but most of them were new to me.

This one is rather long-winded, but I like it.

Quasimodo's successors

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

{WAIT! WAIT! There's more!!}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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Narasimhan Raghavan  Identity Verified
Local time: 06:29
English to Tamil
+ ...
Here are some more Aug 30, 2004

The boy stood on the burning deck.
But he was just trying to stop his pack of cards from going up in smoke.

I took a beer bottle to the recycling center, but they wouldn't take it.
They said: "This is the pint of no return."

Driving behind a rickety old horse box, my girlfriend remarked:
"That doesn't look very stable"

I once knew a bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender.
He served subpoena coladas.

How is it that fast food is so popular?
I thought you're not supposed to eat when you're fasting.

The arresting officer said to the fruit-seller: "Don't make this any harder than it needs to be, just kumquat-ly."

The truck driver passed his mountain driving skills test. He was pleased to have made the grade.



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