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Off topic: Rules for cats to live by
Thread poster: Lakshmi Iyer
Lakshmi Iyer  Identity Verified
France
Local time: 18:33
Italian to English
+ ...
Jun 17, 2005

Found this on the 'Net and couldn't resist sharing...Enjoy!

Rules for cats to live by

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow, or the mosquito season.
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so the puke is as long as a human's bare foot.

BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering."

1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what humans may tell you.

4) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of a human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.


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Jana Teteris  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 17:33
Latvian to English
+ ...
So true! Jun 17, 2005

6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

Very amusing - and oh, so true (especially about the on-screen cursor)!


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Marion Schimmelpfennig  Identity Verified
Local time: 18:33
Member (2003)
English to German
Extremely funny - and absolutely true Jun 17, 2005

I recognized both my cats!

FEEDING: When the human presents you your meal, only sniff at it and turn away or play with it, making a mess on the floor. The human will then think you are ill and will rummage through the cupboards and present you all the delicious things you won't get normally.

SLEEPING TIME: Try to stay in all day and go for a walk in the evening. At the human's sleeping time, hide nearby the house and listen for the human to call you in. The calls will get increasingly angry, then fearful. They will stop for a while but will come back throughout the night. Very sleep-deprivating for the human, but very entertaining for you!

CUDDLING ON THE SOFA: In most cases, especially when your fur tends so shed hairs, your human will place a towel or a protective plaid on a dedicated area of the sofa. By all means, do not use this protection but lie anywhere else on the sofa so that your hairs get all over the sofa.

[Edited at 2005-06-17 13:41]


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Christel Zipfel  Identity Verified
Partial member (2004)
Italian to German
+ ...
Thank you Kaveri Jun 17, 2005

for sharing this with us! I laughed tears!

My cat has followed thoroughly nearly all these rules the past 12 years....

[Edited at 2005-06-17 15:57]


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Marie-Hélène Hayles  Identity Verified
Local time: 18:33
Italian to English
+ ...
my cat lies beside the keyboard.... Jun 17, 2005

but always makes sure his tail at least partly covers it. Each time I move it, it comes back again, beating ever more furiously until finally he turns round, lashes at my hand, hisses at me and jumps down in a huff.

Only to come back half hour later to start the whole process again!


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Carmen Craven
Local time: 18:33
Italian to English
Too true! Jun 17, 2005

I have four cats and each and every one sticks faithfully to these rules.
Sitting on the keyboard if I leave the room is a firm favourite. This produces wonderful results to my documents, especially whislt the editing tool in Word is activated - Picasso could't do better!
When they were kittens, the male would always pee in the wastepaper basket (never in my presence of course!) which made my office smell delightful first thing in the morning...


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NancyLynn
Canada
Local time: 12:33
Member (2002)
French to English
+ ...
Very funny and true! Jun 17, 2005

Especially the newspaper one

How about a similar text from the pooch? Anyone know of one?

Nancy


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Marion Schimmelpfennig  Identity Verified
Local time: 18:33
Member (2003)
English to German
Pooch? Here you go.... Jun 17, 2005

SAD FACE: Practice your saddest face as often as you can. A mirror is a good tool. Whenever you show your sad face, you will be showered with love and treats.

WET FUR: Whenever you have a soaking wet fur - from the rain or from playing in the stream - walk next to the human and shake as much as you can. Humans like to have dirty wet clothes.

DROOL: When the human is eating and will not share with you, start to drool - preferably on the oriental rug. Your saddest face will strengthen the impact (see above).

Ok, that's all I can think of right now. Anyone else?


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liora  Identity Verified
Israel
Local time: 19:33
English to Hebrew
+ ...
Off topic: Rules for cats to live by Jun 18, 2005

So true. And I thought only my cats puked.

Did you know that right brain orientated people like cats ?

I read an article that said right brained people , apart from other things which we transltors probably have, are also good at sports and like cats.


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Louise Dupont  Identity Verified
Canada
Local time: 12:33
English to French
Laundry room Jun 18, 2005

In the laundry room if you have to choose between dirty laundry piled in the corner and fresh-downy-smelling-all-folded-clean-pile-of-clothes... choose the clean one, the hair you leave behind will not be a waste of time... Your Master will bring it to the office... as a reminder.

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Rebecca Hendry  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 17:33
Member (2005)
Spanish to English
+ ...
For white cats only..... Jun 18, 2005

White cats - wait until your owner is wearing a black outfit and then jump on their lap, or rub yourself against their legs.

Seeing as I wear so much black I should never have got myself a white cat!



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Rebecca Hendry  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 17:33
Member (2005)
Spanish to English
+ ...
Oh, and newspapers! Jun 18, 2005

I forgot to say, when your owner is drinking her cup of tea and reading the newspaper in the morning, you must sit on the page she is trying to read, and then follow her line of vision until you are absolutely sure she has not managed to read a single thing.....

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Angela Arnone  Identity Verified
Local time: 18:33
Member (2004)
Italian to English
+ ...
My owner tried to hide this from me, but I found it just the same Jul 12, 2005

... and don't forget ...

- when you leave those ungrateful humans a little gift, like chewed up lizard, make sure it's laid in the correct position for them to stand on when they get out of bed;

- help them with maintenance on favourite pot plants by digging up the soil and peeing on the roots;

- make dinner guests feel welcome by jumping on the table and walking all over the plates and table cloth;

- go off your favourite food as soon as they buy the special bargain mega pack;

- keep guard over defrosting meat and fish and check how it's doing by having a quick lick every now and again;

It all helps to make them appreciate your furry presence and keep them on their toes, or they take you for granted.

Miaooooo

Camilla and Boot, feline assistants to Angela


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schmurr  Identity Verified
Local time: 18:33
Italian to German
+ ...
even more efficient: Sep 10, 2005

my cat stands right in front of the computer screen...

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