Off topic: The History of the World (Students bloopers)
Thread poster: Aurora Humarán
The History of the World -- according to students
Richard Lederer, St. Paul\'s School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following \"history\" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked \"Am I my brother\'s son?\" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother\'s birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob\'s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David\'s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn\'t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in \"The Illiad\", by Homer. Homer also wrote the \"Oddity\", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn\'t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son\'s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello\'s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the \"Virgin Queen.\" As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted \"hurrah.\" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear\'s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote \"Donkey Hote\". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote \"Paradise Lost.\" Then his wife died and he wrote \"Paradise Regained.\"
During the Renaissance America began.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim\'s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared \"a horse divided against itself cannot stand.\" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America\'s greatest Precedent. Lincoln\'s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, \"In onion there is strength.\"
Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth\'s career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricityand also wrote a book called \"Candy\". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.
He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon\'s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn\'t bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the \"Organ of the Species\".Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
[ This Message was edited by: on 2002-07-08 14:14 ]
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| Refreshingly nice || Jul 8, 2002 |
| | Lydia Molea
Local time: 02:21
English to German
| This is great! || Jul 8, 2002 |
Thank you for cheering me up during a booooring translation!
| | Mike Ck
Local time: 02:21
English to Spanish
Then some of them go on to be politicians and come up with the sensitive-minded, thoughtful foreign policy we know and love today! Have to say some are pretty funny.
| | Bill Greendyk
Local time: 20:21
Spanish to English
| Las Leyes de la Ciencia || Jul 8, 2002 |
Aquí hay aun más del mismo Richard Lederer. Estos son verdaderos \"bloopers\" que alumnos de alrededor del mundo hicieron en sus exámenes de ciencia. ¡Gracias por hacerme reír!
\"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.\"
\"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water\"
\"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube\"
\"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide\"
\"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.\"
\"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.\"
\"Blood flows down one leg and up the other.\"
\"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.\"
\"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.\"
\"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.\"
\"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.\"
\"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.\"
\"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.\"
\"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.\"
\"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.\"
\"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.\"
\"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.\"
\"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.\"
\"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.\"
\"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.\"
\"Germinate: To become a naturalized German.\"
\"Liter: A nest of young puppies.\"
\"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.\"
\"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.\"
\"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.\"
\"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.\"
\"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.\"
\"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.\"
\"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.\"
\"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.\"
\"For fainting: Rub the person\'s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medicaldoctor.\"
\"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.\"
\"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.\"
\"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.\"
\"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.\"
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| Y en español.... || Jul 8, 2002 |
RESPUESTAS A EXÁMENES DE LA ESO, SEGÚN CONSTA EN LA EDICIÓN 2001 DE LA ANTOLOGÍA DEL DISPARATE RESPUESTAS VERÍDICAS A EXÁMENES DE ALUMNOS DE BACHILLERATO Y ESO
1. Glaciar alpino: Se llama así porque
arrastra muchos pinos.
2. Países productores de miel: La Granja de San Francisco.
3. Partes del insecto. Son tres: in-sec-to.
4. Capacidad pulmonar: Es de unos cinco mil litros.
5. Definición de rumiantes: Son los que eructan al comer.
6. Lenguas vernáculas: Las que se hablan en las tabernas.
7. Un parásito interno del hombre: El langostino.
8. Reproducción sexual: Para que se provoque la fermentación, tienen que estar el órgano masculino dentro del femenino.
9. Les oiseaux chantaient dans les arbres: Las ostras cantaban en los árboles.
10. ¿Derivados de la leche?: La vaca.
11. Barroco: Estilo de casas hechas de barro.
12. Estimulantes del sistema nervioso: El café, el tabaco y las mujeres.
13. Alfarero: El que tiene un farol.
14. Marsupiales: Los animales que llevan las tetas en una bolsa.
15. Dimorfismo sexual: El macho se diferencia de la hembra por una prolongación más o menos larga.
16. Explica algo del Greco: Era vizco.
17. Polígono: Hombre con muchas mujeres.
18. El mendelismo: Mendel trabajo mucho ayudado por caracoles.
19. Comentar algo del 2 de mayo: ¿De qué año?.
20. Coleccionistas de sellos: Sifilíticos.
21. Ave Cesar morituri te salutan: Las aves de Cesar murieron por falta de salud.
22. Cogito, ergo sum: Le cogí lo suyo.
23. La sal común: Tiene un curiosos sabor alado.
24. Ecosistemas: La tundra y la gaita.
25. Derivados de la leche: El arroz con leche.
26. El arte griego: Hacían botijos.
27. Países que forman el Benelux: Bélgica, Lxemburgo y neardental.
28. Cita organismos internacionales: La OJE,Boyes Caos, USA,USS, UNI,Policía, bomberos, socorristas, Cruz roja, La ITT y la olimpiada de México.
29. Cita organismos internacionales: La OJE,FIFA, UEFA, EU,NASA y URSS.
30. Pediatra: Médico de pies.
31. Trabajo y energía: Trabajo es si cogemos una silla y la ponemos en otro sitio, energía es cuando la silla se levanta sola.
32. Ejemplos de nematoceros: El buo, el buo real y el mochuelo.[Nota: los nematoceros son insectos.].
33. Quevedo: Era cojo, pero de un solo pie.
34. Brisa del mar: Es una brisa húmeda y seca.
35. Un gusano que no sea la lombriz de tierra: La lombriz de mar.
36. Un marsupial: El chimpancé.
37. El oído interno: Consta de utrículo y dráculo.
38. Palabra derivada de luz: Bombilla.
39. ¿Conoces algún vegetal sin flores?: Conozco.
40. Moluscos: Son esos animales que se ven en los bares, por ejemplo: El cangrejo.
41. La abeja: Se divide en reina, obreras y zagales.
42. El alantoides: Es una especie de rabo que tiene el pollo para respirar.
43. Ejemplo de reptil: La serpiente Putón.
44. Monotremas: Son mamíferos de forma humana, y son los monos.
45. Reptiles: Son animales que se disuelven en el agua.
46. Calamar: Se llama así porque cala los mares.
47. Ungulados: Se alimentan de hierba y de carne y se reproducen en línea recta.
48. Movimientos del corazón: El corazón siempre esta en movimiento, sólo está parado en los cadáveres.
49. Volcanes: En Mallorca está el Teide. El agua de mar se solidifica y sale por el cráter.
50. Las algas: Son animales con caracteres de vegetales.
51. Terremotos: Son movimientos bruscos que se tragan a las personas.
52. Insectos: Son una especie de aves
53. Arterias: Son unos tubitos de plástico flexibles.
54. Mahoma: Nació en La Meca a los cinco años.
55. Fósiles: - Son unos señores muy antiguos. -Son animales que se extraen de los grandes museos, como el de Madrid.
56. La Santísima Trinidad: Son el Padre, el Hijo y una Palomica que vive con ellos.
57. Qué es una Encíclica: Es un buque de hierro que flota en el mar.
58. Animales polares: Son la Osa mayor y la Osa menor.
59. El sexto mandamiento: No fornicarás a tu padre y a tu madre.
60. Un cuadro de Velázquez: Las mellizas.
61. Minerales: Son animales sin vida.
62. El voltio: Fue inventado por Voltaire.
63. Dónde esta el río San Lorenzo: En El Escorial.
64. Qué es la hipotenusa: Lo que está entre los dos paletos.
65. Peces: El caviar se hace con huevos de centurión.
66. Mamíferos: Los gatos dan luz dos veces al año.
67. Dónde fue bautizado Jesucristo: En Río Janeiro.
68. Quién fundó la Falange: Miguel Angel.
69. Napoleón: Esta enterrado en \"Los Paralíticos\", en París.
70. Canciones napolitanas: Fueron escritas por Napoleón.
71. Geografía: En Holanda, de cada cuatro habitantes, uno es vaca.
72. Religión: Caín mato a Abel con una molleja de burro.
73. Australia: Es un país lleno de canguros y orinocos.
74. El cerebelo: Es el fruto del cerebro.
75. Sancho Panza: Era muy aficionado al vino, a las mujeres y a las drogas.
76. Felipe II: Nació por poderes en Valladolid.
77. Quién inventó el pararrayos: Frankenstein.
78. Insectos: El paludismo es producido por la mosca SS.
79. Juan Ramón Jiménez: Se distingue por su amor a la cabra, y sobre todo a Platero.
80. ¿Qué significa leucocito?: Leu, animal, y cocito, pequeño.
81. ¿Qué son pseudópodos?: Significa que se largan por pies.
82. Partes del tronco: Ombligo, cintura y tetilla.
83. Amfibios: De los huevos de rana salen unas larvas llamadas cachalotes.
84. La médula espinal: Es un tubo de 10 a 12 metros donde decían los antiguos que residía el alma.
85. Frutos secos: Entre ellos está la naranja, que se divide en varias partes llamados \"grajos\".
86. La piel: Es un vestido sin el cual no resistiríamos los porrazos, es además un muro de contención para que no se nos salgan las carnes.
87. Huesos del cráneo: Un volez, dos populos y un espoides.
88. Las abejas: - Las ovejas hacen cera y miel.- ¡No hombre! -Ah, sí, las ovispas
89. Área del triángulo: Es igual a la cuarta parte de la mitad de su lado por la semisuma de la raíz cuadrada de tres.
90. ¿Quién fue Vicente Espinel?: El inventor de la Capilla Sixtina.
91. ¿Qué escribió Torres Naharro?: La Prollapodia.
92. Erasmo de Rotterdam: El Asno de Rotterdam es la escultura de un burro célebre que está en Amberes.
93. ¿Quién fue Aníbal?: Fue un jefe cartilaginoso.
94. Posición de los ojos en las aves rapaces: Uno hacia arriba, otro hacia abajo y otro hacia atrás.
95. La conquista de Méjico: Fue realizada por dos extremeños: Menendez y Pelayo.
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| | Aurora Humarán
Local time: 21:21
English to Spanish
| ¿Puedo agregar un ejemplo personal? || Jul 8, 2002 |
Fui citada por el maestro de mi hija cuando ella tenía 7 años por su prueba de Ciencias Naturales.
Resultró ser que no había estudiado pero ... no se dio por vencida y se las \"arregló\" para salir del paso.
El profesor nos citó al padre y a mí y nos mostró el examen:
¿En qué estado se encuentra el agua en la naturaleza?
Estado sólido, líquido y gaseoso.
La respuesta de mi hija:
El agua se encuentra en estado deplorable .... A la oración seguía un párrafo largo a favor de la ecología.
En fin...que ella recibió una especie de \"sermón\" por el intento de \"zafar\" (en argentino: salir del paso con un \"verso\") pero todavía me río con la historia.
Saludos desde los Buenísimos Aires!
| Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy || Jul 9, 2002 |
chicos!!!! son los culpables de habernos hecho llorar y doler la panza de la risa.
Antes de irme a dormir con óptimo humor en el día de hoy, y ya que estamos con \"anedas\" personales también, aquí va la mía:
Cuando tenía 5 años, como ya sabía leer y escribir perfectamente, mi mamá me llevó a hacer un test para ver si podía entrar directamente en 2º grado, salteando el primero.
- ¿Qué son los quinotos?
Respuesta: - los quinotos son unas frutas de la familia de los pomelos.
y... para finalizar el test, me pidieron que dijera lo que quisiera y aquí va...
Los animales tienen la cola atrás.
Los hombres tienen la colita adelante.
Las mujeres no son animales.
Dicho lo cual, me retiro a dormir con mi espíritu feminista en paz...
Chau y gracias!!
| | Paul Dixon
Local time: 21:21
Portuguese to English
| Laughing out loud || Nov 25, 2011 |
Great way to start the day - sharing. Hope to present a list of Brazilian bloopers by University entrance exam applicants soon.