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Off topic: Relationship advice for men
Thread poster: xxxPaulaMac
Here are some helpful hints for the men:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver\'s license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other
DANGEROUS: What\'s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here\'s fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn\'t over do it today.
SAFEST: I\'ve always loved you in that robe!
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good
laugh...or men who need a warning.
And remember: Money talks. Chocolate sings.
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| | RHELLER
Local time: 09:05
French to English
| Clever advice! || Oct 24, 2002 |
I liked that one Paula!
and if anyone out there needs to know:
I\'m the *Chocolate with caramel or real cherry center* kinda gal!
| Don't talk, just pay || Oct 24, 2002 |
I liked the middle one; I\'ll try that with my girlfriend.
Oh no! That\'s prostitution. How silly of me.
Seriously, I don\'t even like it when I\'m grumpy in the morning. Must be horrible not to be able to control your emotional reactions like that.
Consider two women staying together, say two roommates.
Would each one of them follow the same guidelines in dealing with the other when she is \'hormonally challenged\'?
In other words, is this list for men\'s use only?
PS for women: I meant \'challenged\' in a good way.
| I say it is just for Men's use... || Oct 24, 2002 |
You have a valid question... but from my own experience (since I had a female roommate in college):
I would said that since *we* women know what we individually go through each month (translation: Agony!!!), that all it takes is just *one look* from the other woman and then we *know* right away what is going on... and we leave her ALONE!
It is safer this way for all parties!!!
The *ex* husband used to ask me the last question all the time... It is needless to explain why he is *an EX* husband.
My current husband of 4 years knows a lot better. He just keeps quiet and lives to tell the tale
Enjoy your evening!
| | Ralf Lemster
Local time: 17:05
English to German
| A woman's vocabulary || Oct 25, 2002 |
We\'ve been married for more than 15 years - does that mean I\'ve asked the correct questions...?
Here are some more helpful pointers for men - and these even work regardless of hormone levels...
Keywords and their meaning.
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are
right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel
that it\'s an even trade.
This means something and you should be on your toes. \"Nothing\" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. \"Nothing\" usually signifies an argument that
will last \"Five Minutes\" and end with the word \"Fine.\"
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
\"Nothing\" and will end with the word \"Fine.\"
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means \"I give up\" or \"do what you want because I don\'t care.\" You will
get a raised eyebrow \"Go Ahead\" in just a few minutes, followed by
\"Nothing\" and \"Fine\" and she will talk to you in about \"Five Minutes\" when
she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A \"Loud Sigh\" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over \"Nothing.\"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. \"Soft Sighs\" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; \"Oh, let me get
that\". Or, \"Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.\" If
she says \"Oh\" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is \"Fine\" when she is done tossing your clothes
out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
\"Oh\" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a
lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised
eyebrows \"Go ahead\" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can\'t bring
myself to write about them.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
\"That\'s Okay\" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have done. \"That\'s Okay\" is often
used with the word \"Fine\" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow \"Go
Ahead.\" At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn\'t get a \"That\'s Okay.\"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you\'re welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than \"Thanks.\" A woman will say, \"Thanks A Lot\" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the \"Loud Sigh.\" Be careful not
to ask what is wrong after the \"Loud Sigh,\" as she will only tell you
| || || |
| You nailed it Ralf! || Oct 25, 2002 |
Now we know why you are still married after 15 years!
You\'re right on!!!
| that's the difference between men and women ;-) || Oct 25, 2002 |
Talking about relationships.. Here is a long but a great story about the difference between men and women.
Let\'s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they\'re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
\"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we\'ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?\"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he\'s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I\'m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn\'t want, or isn\'t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I\'m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I\'d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was... let\'s see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer\'s, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He\'s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I\'m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that\'s it. That\'s why he\'s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He\'s afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I\'m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don\'t care what those morons say, it\'s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It\'s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He\'s angry. And I don\'t blame him. I\'d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can\'t help the way feel. I\'m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They\'ll probably say it\'s only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I\'m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I\'m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I\'ll give them a warranty. I\'ll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
\"Roger,\" Elaine says aloud.
\"What?\" says Roger, startled.
\"Please don\'t torture yourself like this,\" she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. \"Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so...\" (She breaks down, sobbing.)
\"What?\" says Roger.
\"I\'m such a fool,\" Elaine sobs. \"I mean, I know there\'s no knight. I really know that. It\'s silly. There\'s no knight, and there\'s no horse.\"
\"There\'s no horse?\" says Roger.
\"You think I\'m a fool, don\'t you?\" Elaine says.
\"No!\" says Roger, glad to finally know a correct answer.
\"It\'s just that... it\'s that I... I need some time,\" Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
\"Yes,\" he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. \"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?\" she says.
\"What way?\" says Roger.
\"That way about time,\" says Elaine.
\"Oh,\" says Roger. \"Sure.\"
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
\"Thank you, Roger,\" she says.
\"Thank you,\" says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it\'s better if he doesn\'t think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine\'s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
\"Hey, Norm. Did Elaine ever own a horse?”
And that\'s the difference between men and women.
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| Specifications - Husband 1.0 || Oct 25, 2002 |
Am I going too far, gentlemen???)
For Husband 1.0 users only (no higher versions available)
First, in almost all cases, they are \"LICENCED\" with no USER GUIDE. So in the best case, you have to find your way simply by making trial and errors. I would hardly suggest exchanging ideas and experiences with other users, because trouble shooting procedures are significantly different in each and every case.
Second, most applications have either no or trivial \"ERROR HANDLERS\". You may easily end up with \"COMMUNICATION ERROR\"s or \"DUMB SCREEN\"s even in cases when you think you did nothing wrong. So be calm and patient. Try all communication devices and means. (Sometimes clicking OK buttons on all dialogs may help, but this may lead you somewhere which you never intended).
Beware: Most of them do not support the UNDO command.
Welcome all \"UNDOCUMENTED FEATURE\"s, \"BUG\"s, and \"TRIGGER\"s... These are all \"BUILT-IN\" features which you have no means of removing, correcting or even taking under control.
Dont bother the \"CREATORS\" with bug reports. They must have already quitted from \"PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT\". So the entire joy of fixing the bugs is left to you...
And the last but not the least: recall the LICENCING AGREEMENT: It says: \"The CREATORS MAKE NO WARRANTY OR REPRESENTATION WITH RESPECT TO THE PRODUCT, HIS/HER QUALITY, ACCURACY, OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. AS A RESULT, THIS PRODUCT IS LICENCED \'AS IS\', AND THE USER ASSUMES THE ENTIRE RISK AS TO HIS/HER QUALITY AND ACCURACY\".
| || || |
...I wasn\'t the only one!!!!!!!
As regards girlfriends, roommates and daughters, as Nathalie says, they just can grasp what the situation is, without asking anything (thanks God!!!... Imagine what could happen!!!)
Next month, while my PMS is at full rage I would just display those hints to help everybody be safe and sound from me.
[ This Message was edited by: on 2002-11-03 00:02 ]
| Crossed Cultural Wires (Revised) || Nov 4, 2002 |
I have a still mildly painful memory of a relationship to a German girlfriend. We were much in love and tacitly decided to have a child together, however she was quite adamant about her 1970s emancipation when she announced her (dare I say \"our\"?) pregnancy. My spontaneous response was to \"keep it if you want to.\"
We were living in France and, two weeks later, she simply said she was returning to Braunschweig for an abortion. I gave a nod of disappointment.
She got the abortion, and the guilt that developed in its wake contributed to the end of the relationship.
On relating the above to French woman friends, I was called a fool: \"If you\'d said that to me I\'d\'ve had an abortion immediately too.\"
This made me feel even worse.
The following summer I flew up to Sweden, the land where, years earlier, I had landed my first job, first paycheck, first apartment, and yes, my first girlfriend ever. And went on to experience a few more of each. Well, I looked up a very old and dear friend and told him the story too.
In his usual way, he paused thoughtfully before softly stating \"You gave the right answer for a Swede.\"
| || || |
| | Thierry LOTTE
Local time: 17:05
English to French
| To Ozgen - Culture Gap and Sexism - || Nov 29, 2002 |
Nice and romantic story : I do love it...
I assume that Roger should be crazy about Elaine and very young...
In France or Spain or Italy, after a 3 months relationship of that kind, Roger would not even come home to \"think\" or watch the TV...
He would go directly to some other place to find some more \"simple\" girls...
I do understand that it sounds tough and sexist but this is the everyday reality...
And usually I am considered as a guy awfully romantic and sentimental - even \"old fashoned\"...
| And this begs the question... || Nov 29, 2002 |
On 2002-11-29 06:27, evazerka wrote:
...And usually I am considered as a guy awfully romantic and sentimental - even \"old fashoned\"...
And all Prozian women want to know:
Are you available Thierry???
Romantic, sentimental and old fashion men seem to be a rarity these days...
[ This Message was edited by: on 2002-11-29 14:24 ]
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Relationship advice for men
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