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Off topic: Upgrading...
Thread poster: xxxCHENOUMI
xxxCHENOUMI  Identity Verified
English to French
+ ...
Dec 7, 2002

Subject: Friday\'s Joke

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower

and jewellery system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other

valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed

undesirable programs such as Hunting 7.4, NASCAR

3.2 and NFL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs

and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I\'ve tried running Bitching 5.3 to fix these problems,

but to no avail. What can I do?



Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an

entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an

operating system.

Try to enter the command C:\\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and

install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then

automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and

Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband

1.0 to default to such background applications as

Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program

that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another

Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications

and will crash Husband 1.0.

It will also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default

to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the

background and has been known to introduce

potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does

have a limited memory and can\'t learn new applications

quickly. You might consider buying

additional software to enhance his system performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and SingleMalt

Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old

standby... Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved

performance of his hardware).

Good Luck,

Tech Support

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Giuliana Buscaglione  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
Member (2001)
German to Italian
+ ...
RE: Upgrading Dec 7, 2002

Facit: never buy an upgrade before testing it in demo-version!

Great joke!

upgraded Giuliana

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Local time: 00:05
English to French
+ ...
The other side Dec 8, 2002

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the

new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space

and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in

the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other

programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday

Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can

not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I\'m screwed.



Dear Joe Screwed:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a \"UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT\"program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the

system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0

is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under

\"Warnings-Alimony /Child Support.\"

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume allresponsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command


In any case avoid excessive use of the \"Esc\" key because ultimately you

will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will

return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame =

for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife

1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible

damage to the operating system.

Best of luck

Tech Support

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Ralf Lemster  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
English to German
+ ...
Careful here... Dec 8, 2002

...or do you want me to dig out the support request for the upgrade from Girlfriend 6.1/Lover 5.0 to Wife 1.0?

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Giuliana Buscaglione  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
Member (2001)
German to Italian
+ ...
Go ahead, Ralf! Dec 8, 2002


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Ralf Lemster  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
English to German
+ ...
...searching... Dec 8, 2002

...I\'ll be back...

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Mats Wiman  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
Member (2000)
German to Swedish
+ ...

There is news! Dec 8, 2002

I have just (through a friend at MarriageSoft) got hold of the Husband 2.0 (Chicago) version which I\'m testing right now.

Besides a few bugs in the TENDER MEETINGS function, it works beautifully.

I especially recommend the new NEVER FORGET TO TELL function containing wonderful graphics.

Full function version expected on Dec 24.

Ideal for well versed Husband 1.0 users.


[ This Message was edited by: on 2002-12-08 13:39 ]

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Myron Netchypor  Identity Verified
Local time: 01:05
Member (2003)
English to Ukrainian
+ ...

It 's so funny! Dec 8, 2002

I didn\'t expected to laugh so sound this evening!!! Thank you!

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Ralf Lemster  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
English to German
+ ...
Here we go... Dec 8, 2002

...can\'t find the e-mail I once received, but this one is very easy to restore (I have been working with Wife 1.0 for 15+ years...).

The first problem I noticed with Wife 1.0 was that the free cancellation option that came as standard with various versions of Girlfriend 3.x or higher was replaced by a rather costly opt-out clause that requires you to pay license fees even if you change to a completely different version of Wife x.0.

Also, upgrading to Wife 1.0 involved having to install and henceforth operate various sub-programmes (including, but not limited to, Take-Off-Shoes-When-Coming-Home 3.1 and Sit-Down-On-Toilet 8.0). At the same time, Wife 1.0 activated a number of subroutines: Lingerie 5.0 was replaced by Washable Cotton Undies 0.3 (beta), to name just one.

On the upside, Cooking x.x has been constantly upgraded, to the current version 24.1.

There is one major problem, however, with Romp 6.x - when trying to start it, Wife 1.0 replied with the following message:

Invalid dongle - running in demo mode only

PS For those having problems with the term \"romp\", try this thread:

[ This Message was edited by: on 2002-12-08 23:05 ]

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Nathalie M. Girard, ALHC  Identity Verified
English to French
+ ...
Mmmm..... Did we get a model from a bad batch? Dec 8, 2002


On 2002-12-08 23:03, Lemster wrote:

...There is one major problem, however, with Romp 6.x - when trying to start it, Wife 1.0 replied with the following message:

Invalid dongle - running in demo mode only....

Funny you mention this error message Ralf, I get the same error from husband 2.0!!!

I wonder if we got a bad batch from the *mate* manufacturer?

Nath (don\'t mind me, I\'m still stuck with Dengue Fever and I have too much time to think!!!)

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Valeria Verona  Identity Verified
Local time: 19:05
Member (2003)
English to Spanish
+ ...
demo Dec 9, 2002


On 2002-12-07 21:22, docgy wrote:

Facit: never buy an upgrade before testing it in demo-version!

Great joke!

upgraded Giuliana

True! That\'s why I haven\'t gotten married yet... and I\'m planning to move with my boyfriend first!



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Giuliana Buscaglione  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
Member (2001)
German to Italian
+ ...
Infected system (was RE: upgrading) Dec 9, 2002

I am tempted to write my own Tech Support email....

I think we all run infected programs, Girlfriend x.x, Boyfriend x.x, Husband x.x or Wife x.x.

I got this piece of news from a site, specializing in addictions. A half-new program / trojan comes with a worm per email, uninstalls any AI (Anti-Internet) software or firewall and spreads thru your system, freezing all other resident programs, while keeping main programs (Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Husband, Wife x.x) running all the time in the background..... this program is called ProZ 4.0 and once installed, you don\'t even dream about deleting it, as you stop worrying about some minor hiccups with Wife x.x or Husband x.x.

Sleep well, adieu system crash.... ProZ 4.0 is 100% compatible.



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Jacek Krankowski  Identity Verified
English to Polish
+ ...
What gender? Dec 9, 2002

Ships are addressed as \"she\" and \"her.\" What about computers? To answer that question, someone set up two groups of computer experts.

> The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group

> was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the

> feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4

>reasons for

> their recommendation.


> The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to

> in the masculine gender because:


> 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

> 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

> 3. They\'re supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time

> they are the problem.

> 4. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited

>just a little longer you could have had a better model.


> The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be

> referred to in the feminine gender because

> 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

> 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers

> is incomprehensible to everyone else.

> 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for

> later retrieval.

> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

> spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Good luck to everyone!

Jacek 1.0

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Sven Petersson  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
English to Swedish
+ ...
Sambo 1.37 beta Dec 9, 2002

Operating systems with obligatory registration, Windows & Wife, should be upgraded every 3rd year.

If you find the economic strain of doing so too great, try the Finnish Linux & the Swedish Sambo!


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Steffen Walter  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:05
Member (2002)
English to German
+ ...
WAS: infected system (Giuliana) NOW: system crashes/light bulb change :-) Dec 10, 2002



Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly,

There\'s not half the files there used to be,

And there\'s a milestone hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my data\'s gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

etc. etc.


And then there is this (in)famous one (English and German version provided):

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add \"Me Too.\"

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the \"Me Too\'s\" to say, \"Me Three.\"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.


F: Wieviele Newsgroup-Leser braucht man, um eine Glühbirne auszuwechseln ?

A: 1692(!)

1 der die Glühbirne auswechselt und an die Mailingliste schreibt, dass sie ausgewechselt wurde.

14 die ähnliche Erfahrungen gemacht hatten und schreiben, wie man die Glühbirne anders hätte wechseln können.

7 die auf die Gefahren des Glühbirnenauswechselns hinweisen.

27 die auf Tippfehler und grammatikalische Fehler hinweisen, die in Glühbirnenpostings gemacht wurden.

53 die die Grammatiker beleidigen und anschnauzen.

156 die den List-Administrator anschreiben, sich über die Glühbirnenmails beschweren und der Meinung sind, dass diese Mails hier nicht hingehören.

41 die die Beleidigungen der Grammatiker berichtigen.

109 die in die Liste schreiben, dass diese Liste nicht für Glühbirnen gedacht ist und dass man die Diskussion in alt.glueh.birne weiterführen sollte.

203 die verlangen, dass die Crosspostings nach alt.grammatik, alt.rechtschreibung und alt.zeichensetzung aufhören.

111 die die Mail verteidigen, weil wir alle Glühbirnen benutzen und die Mail daher sehr wohl in diese Liste gehört.

306 die darüber debattieren, welche Glühbirnenwechselmethode überlegen ist, wo man die besten Glühbirnen bekommt, welche Sorte Glühbirnen am besten ist und welche Marken fehlerhaft sind.

27 die URLs posten, wo man Glühbirnen sehen kann.

14 die sagen, dass die vorherigen URLs falsch sind und die richtigen Adressen posten.

3 die Links mailen, die sie in den URLs gefunden haben, die relevant für die Mailingliste sind, was zeigt, dass Glühbirnen auch relevant für die Liste sind.

33 die alle Mails zusammenfassen, komplett zitieren (inklusive Kopf- und Fußzeilen), um darunter zu schreiben: \"Me Too\"

12 die verkünden, dass sie die Mailingliste abbestellen, weil sie diese Glühbirnendiskussion nicht länger ertragen können.

19 die die \"Me Too\"s zitieren, um \"Me Three\" darunter zu setzen.

4 die vorschlagen, dass die Poster sich die Glühbirnen-FAQ durchlesen.

1 der vorschlägt, dass die newsgroup alt.wechseln.glueh.birne eingerichtet wird.

47 die sagen, dass alt.physic.cold_fusion für das Thema vorgesehen ist.

143 die für die Einrichtung von alt.wechseln.glueh.birne stimmen.

27 die einfach nur \'unsubscribe\' von sich geben, da sie nicht kapiert haben, dass sie an den Listserver statt an die Liste schreiben müssen.

42 die maximal grosse Bilder vom Halogen-Birnchen bis zum mannshohen Suchscheinwerfer an die Liste mailen.

78 die sich darüber aufregen.

1 der seit den Bildern Probleme hat, seine Mail abzuholen, da dessen Modem/Festplatte/Rechner da nicht mehr mitspielt.

1 der vorschlägt, man könnte das doch live diskutieren im IRC auf dem Channel #gluehbirnen, und nach Wochen vergeblichen Wartens auf Response aufgibt.

5 die vorschlagen, eine extra Mailingliste aufzumachen für das unerschöpfliche Thema \"Glühbirne\".

35 die dem obigen zustimmen (natürlich auf der Liste).

126 die dagegen sind und das natürlich auch lautstark auf der Liste kundtun.

und 1 der meint, dass die Glühbirne nicht gewechselt werden müsste...


Have fun


[ This Message was edited by: on 2002-12-10 15:30 ]

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