Off topic: Joke of the day Thread poster: amj_services (X)
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amj_services (X) 
Germany
Local time: 13:25
Laws of Work:
1 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you're going to do.
2 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
3 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
4 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
5 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
6 The last person that left will be held responsible for everything that goes wr... See more Laws of Work:
1 It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you're going to do.
2 If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
3 You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
4 Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
5 When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
6 The last person that left will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
7 Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
8 When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they never mean themselves.
9 Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10 A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
(Many of these jokes and stories aren't original; they have been circulating round the internet for ages. But I still think they are funny and worth reading again. I hope it brings a smile to your face!)
A. ▲ Collapse
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Andrea Lorca
Chile
Local time: 07:25
Member (2004)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Thanks for sharing, Alicia,
It certainly made me smile and that`s always a good start before work
Andrea
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Jan Willem van Dormolen (X)
Netherlands
Local time: 13:25
English to Dutch
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| Humorous grammar rules | Apr 19, 2007 |
These remind me of the (in)famous 'humorous grammar rules', which are even more on topic for us language workers:
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. Winston Churchill, corrected on this error once, responded to the young man who corrected him by saying "Young man, that is the kind of impudence up with which I will not put!
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong... See more These remind me of the (in)famous 'humorous grammar rules', which are even more on topic for us language workers:
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Never use a preposition to end a sentence with. Winston Churchill, corrected on this error once, responded to the young man who corrected him by saying "Young man, that is the kind of impudence up with which I will not put!
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly over and over again
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't always necessary and shouldn't be used to excess so don’t.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous and can be excessive
14. All generalizations are bad.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Avoid excessive use of ampersands & abbrevs., etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake (Unless they are as good as gold).
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Don’t overuse exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed and use it correctly with words’ that show possession.
27. Don’t use too many quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a billion times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. Besides, hyperbole is always overdone, anyway.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions? However, what if there were no rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional scenarios complicate simplistic matters
35. People don’t spell "a lot" correctly alot of the time.
36. Each person should use their possessive pronouns correctly
37. All grammar and spelling rules have exceptions (with a few exceptions)....Morgan’s Law.
38. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
39. The dash – a sometimes useful punctuation mark – can often be overused – even though it’s a helpful tool some of the time.
40. Proofread carefully to make sure you don’t repeat repeat any words.
41. In writing, it’s important to remember that dangling sentences.
41. When numbering in a written document, check your numbering system carefully.
There are many versions of these rules, google for 'humorous grammar rules' and you'll find more than you'll be able to stomach. ▲ Collapse
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amj_services (X)
Germany
Local time: 13:25
TOPIC STARTER
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Jack Doughty
United Kingdom
Local time: 12:25
Russian to English
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In memoriam
The RAF version of No. 3 in Alicia's initial post was to walk round the airfield perimeter track carrying a spanner and an oily rag.
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Tati Clau
Local time: 13:25
English to Spanish
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| Staff Descriptions | Apr 19, 2007 |
STAFF DESCRIPTIONS
Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office
Great Presentation Skills...................Able to bullshit
Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee..............................Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified....Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority..............Too ugly to get a date
Active Sociall... See more STAFF DESCRIPTIONS
Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office
Great Presentation Skills...................Able to bullshit
Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee..............................Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified....Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority..............Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially...............................Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially...............Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker...........Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking....................Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker......................Won't make a decision
Agressive........................................Obnoxious
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs....Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well...................Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail................A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities.......Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgement.........................Lucky
Keen Sense of Humor............Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded.................................Back Stabber
Loyal........................Can't get a job anywhere else ▲ Collapse
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ulla2608
Spain
Local time: 13:25
German to Spanish
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Many thanks to all of you! It's great to find something to smile on Friday evening.
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amj_services (X)
Germany
Local time: 13:25
TOPIC STARTER | some of them are soooo true...! | Apr 19, 2007 |
I'll send this to a couple of friends who work in personnel departments...!
Thanks Tati, you made me laugh out loud!
A.
[Edited at 2007-04-19 17:35]
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Vito Smolej
Germany
Local time: 13:25
Member (2004)
English to Slovenian
+ ...
SITE LOCALIZER
if I follow diligently the rules, whose Jan suggests, and try to now and then not split a thing or two, I might even make it into the finals:
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
PS: I am a natural so if there's any unintended cases for the rules - hey, I was born this way...
EDIT: the "NOT" in the above sentence was unintentional and plainly wrong - but you don't mess aroun... See more if I follow diligently the rules, whose Jan suggests, and try to now and then not split a thing or two, I might even make it into the finals:
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
PS: I am a natural so if there's any unintended cases for the rules - hey, I was born this way...
EDIT: the "NOT" in the above sentence was unintentional and plainly wrong - but you don't mess around with the creation....
[Edited at 2007-04-19 18:46] ▲ Collapse
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slabejka
Local time: 13:25
Slovak to English
although the word redundant has a slightly different meaning in Britain, I have always loved this:
Department of redundancy department
(for our friends in government)
[Edited at 2007-04-19 18:46]
[Edited at 2007-04-19 18:48]
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Oldies but GOODIES!! Thank you.
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