| hope you have fun with it || Jan 23, 2005 |
iata o satira in versuri la adresa inconscvetelor ortografiei engleze
English as she is spoke
Dearest creature in Creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy, 5
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye, your dress you’ll tear,
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer.
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make your coat look new, dear sew it! 10
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet; lord and word;
Sword and sward; retain and Britain –
(Mind the latter how is written);
Made has not the sound of bade, 15
Say-said, pay-paid; laid, but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague;
But be careful how you speak.
Say break, steak – not bleak and streak. 20
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir;
Cloven, oven, how and low;
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery, 25
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore;
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, reviles;
Wholly, holly; signal, signing;
Thames, examining, combining; 30
Scholar, vicar and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.
From desire-desirable; admirable from admire,
Lumber, plumber, bier and brier;
Chatham, brougham; renown but known, 35
Knowledge, done, but gone and tone,
One, anemone; Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind;
Worm and storm; chaise, chaos, chair; 75
Senator, spectator, mayor;
Ivy, privy, famous clamour,
And enamour rhymes with hammer,
Pussy, hussy and possess,
Desert, dessert and address 80
Golf, wolf; countenance, lieutenant
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb;
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger 85
Neither does devour with clangour.
Soul but foul, and gaunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont; want, grand and grant.
Shoes, goes, doers. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger, 90
Real, zeal; mauve, gauze and gauge;
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost; post and doth; cloth, loth; 95
Job, job, blossom, bosom, oath.
Though the difference seems little,
We say actual but victual,
Seat, sweat, chaste, caste;
Leigh, eight, height,
Put, nut, granite but unite. 100
Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late;
Mint, pint, senate and sedate,
Scenic, Arabic, pacific; 105
Science, conscience, scientific;
Tour, but hour and succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas,
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm; Maria, but malaria; 110
Youth, South, southern, cleanse and clean;
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind; 40
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, reading, heathen, leather;
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth and plinth.
Billet does not sound like ballet; 45
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would;
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which is said to rhyme with “khaki” 50
Discount, viscount; load and broad;
Toward, to forward, to reward;
And your pronunciation is OK
When you say correctly croquet;
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, 55
Friend and fiend; alive and live;
Liberty, library; heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed but allowed,
People, leopard, towed but vowed. 60
Mark the difference moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover;
Leeches, breeches’ wise, precise;
Chalice, but police and lice.
Camel, constable, unstable; 65
Principle, disciple; label;
Petal, penal and canal;
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal,
Suit, suite, ruin; circuit, conduit,
Rhyme with “shirk it” and “beyond it” . 70
But it is not hard to tell
Why it’s pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular; gaol, iron,
Timber, climber; bullion, lion;
Sally with ally; yea, ye, 115
Eye, I, aye, ay, whey, key, quay;
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver;
Never guess – it is not safe!
We say calves, valves, half but Ralph. 120
Heron, granary, canary;
Crevice and device; eerie and eyrie;
Face but preface and efface;
Phlegm, phlegmatic; ass, glass, bass,
Large but target; gin, give, verging; 125
Ought, out, joust and scour but scourging.
Ear but earn; and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but is even;
Hyphen, roughen. Nephew, Stephen, 130
Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk;
Asp, grasp, wasp; demesne; cork, work.
Pronunciation, think of psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t make you lose your wits 135
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale;
Islington and isle of Wight;
Housewife, verdict and indict! 140
Don’t you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally, which rhymes with “enough”?
Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of “cup”, 145
My advice is …..GIVE IT UP!
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