English translation: I think it's fine - but I've also added a suggestion below
Login or register (free and only takes a few minutes) to participate in this question.
You will also have access to many other tools and opportunities designed for those who have language-related jobs (or are passionate about them). Participation is free and the site has a strict confidentiality policy.
06:12 Aug 1, 2006
English to English translations [PRO] Art/Literary - Poetry & Literature / children's fantasy
English term or phrase:should our promise fail to hold
May we all be struck by lightning,
May we part with all our gold,
May we meet our end in Black Pits,
Should our promise fail to hold!
Dear native English speakers!
Please advise on the phrase 'promise fails to hold'. Is it possible to put the idea this way, or does it sound too unnatural? Since I'm no NES, I can't be 100% sure.
If it does sound somewhat weird, I will have to look for domething else.
Thank you!
Explanation: I think it sounds fine! However, one thing that's strong about your version is the repetition in every line of 'we' - so, perhaps you could try this:
May we all be struck by lightning,
May we part with all our gold,
May we meet our end in Black Pits,
If we our promise fail to hold
"Should we' also works - but the rhythm is a little different then because 'should' is a strong form, whereas 'if' doesn't eat up so much of the metre.
Anyway, IMO 'should our' promise works and has the necessary solemnity - the others are simply more suggestions.
-------------------------------------------------- Note added at 41 mins (2006-08-01 06:53:43 GMT) --------------------------------------------------
Yes,sorry it wasn't clear-I suggested adding 'we'.If you want to use 'uphold',it would need to be 'If we our vow do not uphold' to keep the grammar right.
Personally,I prefer 'should'-it's more solemn-but when I say 'Should we'aloud,it seems to slightly alter the rhythm,which doesn't happen with 'If we'-but it's minimal-I just thought I ought to acknowledge that it happens.Also,if you add 'we',it means
aha, sorry, still early morning here, and i've only had one cup of coffee. well, i suppose the fact that i knew exactly what your verse meant is answer in itself. i think it reads quite well....
Thank you Caryl! You mean the rhythm of the phrase ‘if our promise fails to hold’ is more precise? To me, it’s just the same. The register is a bit different, yes, but not the rhythm. Or am I wrong here?
Yeah, Daniel, I know that "we fail to keep our promise" is the most correct form of the phrase, but the problem is it does not rhyme, nor does it have the right rhythm. That's why I tried to transform the phrase to make it rhyme, and the question is:
Is my version successful at all?
Automatic update in 00:
Answers
9 mins confidence:
Should we fail to keep our promise
Explanation: The meaning of the verse, to summarise prosaically, would seem to be:
let various horrible things happen to us if we don't honour this oath....
Dan Brennan United Kingdom Local time: 07:38 Native speaker of: English
I think it's fine - but I've also added a suggestion below
Explanation: I think it sounds fine! However, one thing that's strong about your version is the repetition in every line of 'we' - so, perhaps you could try this:
May we all be struck by lightning,
May we part with all our gold,
May we meet our end in Black Pits,
If we our promise fail to hold
"Should we' also works - but the rhythm is a little different then because 'should' is a strong form, whereas 'if' doesn't eat up so much of the metre.
Anyway, IMO 'should our' promise works and has the necessary solemnity - the others are simply more suggestions.
-------------------------------------------------- Note added at 41 mins (2006-08-01 06:53:43 GMT) --------------------------------------------------
Above should say:
'should eats up much more of the metre'
Caryl Swift Poland Local time: 08:38 Works in field Native speaker of: English PRO pts in category: 76
Grading comment
Thank you very much for your help Caryl! And thank you Ruth for your own version!
The translation workplace 
peer agreement (net): +7
