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translation of Repetition

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14:50 Mar 7, 2008
Chinese to English translations [PRO]
Art/Literary - Poetry & Literature / version evaluation
Chinese term or phrase: translation of Repetition
沉默呵,沉默呵!不在沉默中爆发,就在沉默中死亡。(鲁迅:纪念刘和珍君)
Version one: Silence, silence! Unless we burst out, we shall perish in this silence.
Version two: O silence, silence! If one does not flourish in the silence, he will decease in that silence.

Someone whose native language is english please help me to figure out which translated version is better and why. Since my native language is chinese, from my point of view, I think the second on is redundant because the 4 times repetition of silence. Do you have the same feeling as me? Which one do you think is better and why? I provide the original version in chinses in case you know a littele about chinses, but if not, it's ok. you can guess the meaning from the two translated versions. Thank you very much!
allison0217
Local time: 19:13
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Summary of answers provided
4"Silence, o silence! If we don't break out of this silence, we shall perish in this silence".
Bea Geenen


Discussion entries: 3





  

Answers


14 hrs   confidence: Answerer confidence 4/5Answerer confidence 4/5
"Silence, o silence! If we don't break out of this silence, we shall perish in this silence".


Explanation:
I think that you should keep the 4 "silences". In English classical literature, one can often see repetition like that, to emphasize the feeling. What is important, though, is to have a clear difference between the first verb and the second one. 爆发 can also be translated as "break out". I find "flourish" to weak a word compared to the "perish" in the second sentence, hence the "break out". " Burst out", like in your first suggestion, is also correct, but then it should be followed by "out of this silence", if not sounds as if the sentence is not complete. Also, I would not use "unless" because it is not a very poetic word.
So in short, keep the 4 "silences" - I think they make up the beauty of this sentence.

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Note added at 1 day20 hrs (2008-03-09 11:29:56 GMT)
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Have a look at this pdf file about Shakespeare. Hope it helps!
www.pdfdownload.org/pdf2html/pdf2html.php?url=http://www.mn...

Bea Geenen
Hong Kong
Native speaker of: Native in DutchDutch
PRO pts in category: 8
Notes to answerer
Asker: you said that in english classical literature, such repetition is very common, can you give me an example?

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