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There's an I within me, deep, deeper than I

English translation: 100% correct from grammatical standpoint

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18:24 Aug 29, 2008
English to English translations [PRO]
Art/Literary - Poetry & Literature / Yunus Emre / Sufism
English term or phrase: There's an I within me, deep, deeper than I
Below is a poem of Yunus Emre translated into English by a Turkish professor of Eastern Languages and Literature. Actually, I've been trying to translate just one of the lines (source phrase) for about a week. What I'm asking about is whether translation of this single line has any grammatical, syntactical flaws from native speakers' point of view. Many thanks in advance.


I love you beyond the depths of my own soul;
On my way, I shun the canon and its call.

Don't say I'm in my self. I am not at all.
There's an I within me, deep, deeper than I.

Wherever I look, I see you've filled that space:
Where, in my inmost soul, can you have your place?

Don't ask me about me: I'm not inside me--
In its robe, my body walks on, all empty.

My love for you has plucked me away from me:
What sweet pain is this? It's beyond remedy.

As he passed by, Yunus chanced to meet the Friend,
And remained at the Gate at the deepest end.
Cagdas Karatas
Turkey
Local time: 03:10
English translation:100% correct from grammatical standpoint
Explanation:
As far as everything else... well, it's poetry :)

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Note added at 19 mins (2008-08-29 18:44:02 GMT) Post-grading
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Lol, thank you :)
Selected response from:

Mark Berelekhis
United States
Local time: 20:10
Grading comment
Now that the two "stars" of English KudoZ have approved it, I can comfortably use. :)
4 KudoZ points were awarded for this answer

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Summary of answers provided
4 +2100% correct from grammatical standpoint
Mark Berelekhis
3I think that line is OK
Jack Doughty


  

Answers


5 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 3/5Answerer confidence 3/5
there's an i within me, deep, deeper than i
I think that line is OK


Explanation:
There are other poems using similar expressions, such as this one:
Gazza_IV
There is an ‘I’ within me standing proud. of all it sees, to give commands,. living there alone, homunculus enthroned,. beholden to no rule or law ...
www.imprint.co.uk/Frame_348.htm

Jack Doughty
United Kingdom
Local time: 01:10
Specializes in field
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in category: 514
Login to enter a peer comment (or grade)

3 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 4/5Answerer confidence 4/5 peer agreement (net): +2
there's an i within me, deep, deeper than i
100% correct from grammatical standpoint


Explanation:
As far as everything else... well, it's poetry :)

--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 19 mins (2008-08-29 18:44:02 GMT) Post-grading
--------------------------------------------------

Lol, thank you :)

Mark Berelekhis
United States
Local time: 20:10
Specializes in field
Native speaker of: Native in RussianRussian, Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in category: 206
Grading comment
Now that the two "stars" of English KudoZ have approved it, I can comfortably use. :)

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
agree  Mohamed Mehenoun
2 hrs
  -> Thank you, Mohamed.

neutral  Peter Linton: Grammatically it should be ... deeper than me. But I accept that would upset the meaning and the poetry. So 99% correct.
14 hrs
  -> Sorry, Peter, but I don't think the 'more xxx than me' version is more correct than 'more xxx than I,' even on purely linguistic terms. More common, perhaps, but not more correct. Thank you for your comment.

agree  Patricia Townshend
20 hrs
  -> Thank you, Patricia.
Login to enter a peer comment (or grade)




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