Advise on the structure please

English translation: one suggestion

14:46 Dec 5, 2004

English language (monolingual) [PRO]
Art/Literary - Poetry & Literature / structural

English term or phrase: Advise on the structure please

I have translated the following sentence from Russian, it’s from a children’s book, a fantasy. Since it’s pretty long, I find it kind of difficult to arrange it in the most appropriate way. Please have a look at the structure and advise if there are any parts that should be changed somehow to be more legible. The talk is about children at school during a recess.

They had very little time and so much to do, so they felt like doing all things at once – getting a drink, having a talk, picking on somebody, examining someone’s new hat, sharing some gossip with each other, swapping their collections of dried leaves, jostling with one another, hopping around the yard to stretch their legs, and so on.

Maybe it was not a very good idea to use the gerund forms here?

Any suggestions will be appreciated.

Andrew Vdovin KudoZ activity Questions: 3923 (2 open) (2 closed without grading) Answers: 3924
Local time: 14:54

Selected answer:one suggestion

Explanation:
It would sound more natural if you changed "doing all things at once" to "doing everything at once".

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Note added at 7 mins (2004-12-05 14:53:59 GMT)
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I think the gerund structure is OK - if you change it to infinitives, you will have to change \"felt like doing ...\" too - it would have to become something like \"they wanted to do everything at once .....\"

The only phrase I find a bit wordy is \"sharing some gossip with each other\" - I\'d want to find a way of shortening this, maybe to \"exchanging gossip\", \"having a gossip\", or even just plain \"gossiping\".

Selected response from:

Armorel Young
Local time: 08:54

Grading comment

Thanks a lot for your help, Armorel!
4 KudoZ points were awarded for this answer

SUMMARY OF ALL EXPLANATIONS PROVIDED

4 +15

one suggestion

Armorel Young

5 +2

It looks fine to me

Enza Longo

5 +2

Since they had...

Jonathan Spector

3 +3

The beginning and the end...

Olga B

3 +3

make it bit more slangy

Peter Linton (X)

4 +1

[advice on the structure]

NGK

Answers

3 mins confidence:

peer agreement (net): +1

advise on the structure please [advice on the structure]

Explanation:
It's acceptable as it is, but I agree that infinitives would be better — i.e. "get a drink, have a talk, pick on somebody ..."

But it's a matter of style; grammatically, it works either way.

NGK
United States
Local time: 02:54
Native speaker of:

English,

German
PRO pts in category: 56

7 mins confidence:

peer agreement (net): +2

advise on the structure please It looks fine to me

Explanation:
The use of the gerund is natural and reads well in such a situation.
Maybe change 'all things at once' to; everything at once. Although 'all' is still grammatically correct.
Also I might change 'getting a drink' to; getting something to drink.
But overall there's nothing wrong with the way you have it IMO.

Enza Longo
Canada
Local time: 03:54
Native speaker of: English

3 mins confidence:

peer agreement (net): +15

advise on the structure please

one suggestion

Armorel Young
Local time: 08:54
Specializes in field
Native speaker of: English
PRO pts in category: 64

Grading comment

Thanks a lot for your help, Armorel!

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)

agree

Paula Vaz-Carreiro

1 min

agree

Alexander Demyanov

4 mins

agree

giogi

6 mins

agree

Neil Phillipson: having a talk too, should be changed to "chatting (with each other)", for example. To have a talk has a different meaning to the one here

6 mins

agree

Judith Kerman: Definitely - "everything" is much more colloquial (American English, anyway).

10 mins

agree

Arcoiris: this is the one I'd choose. Also agree with Neil re. chatting

16 mins

agree

David Knowles: Just what I wanted to change! "sharing some gossip" on its own would be fine.

23 mins

agree

cmwilliams (X): and also agree with Neil

44 mins

agree

Richard Benham

1 hr

agree

NancyLynn: gossiping

1 hr

agree

Asghar Bhatti

1 hr

agree

Java Cafe

1 hr

disagree

Jonathan Spector: You missed the structural problem in the opening

3 hrs

-> You're going to have to elaborate - I'm not with you.

agree

Refugio: doing everything at once--getting a drink, chatting, picking on one other, examining someone's new hat, gossiping, swapping collections of dried leaves, jostling, running around the yard to stretch their legs, and so on.

5 hrs

agree

Jörgen Slet

8 hrs

agree

Saleh Chowdhury, Ph.D.

16 hrs

agree

mportal: as Ruth put it

20 hrs

13 mins confidence:

peer agreement (net): +2

Since they had...

Explanation:
very little time and so much to do, they felt like doing many things at once – getting a drink, having a talk, picking on somebody, examining someone’s new hat, sharing some gossip with each other, swapping their collections of dried leaves, jostling one another, running around the yard to stretch their legs, and so on.

Jonathan Spector
Israel
Local time: 10:54
Works in field
Native speaker of: English

19 mins confidence:

peer agreement (net): +3

advise on the structure please The beginning and the end...

Explanation:
In the beginning, maybe "They had so little time and so much to do, that they felt like doing everything at one go -...
The only thing I don't like in the end is "and so on". I think it's a different register. Something like " and doing lots of other things - all at the same time.
All the gerunds sound perfect to me.
Good luck!

Olga B
Israel
Local time: 10:54
Native speaker of:

Russian

42 mins confidence:

peer agreement (net): +3

advise on the structure please make it bit more slangy

Explanation:
For a children's story, I think a slightly lighter, slangy register might work. For example, "share some gossip" sounds to me too adult, and so does "have a talk", and even "hat".
Take it down a peg or two, for example 'grab a drink, have a chat, pick on someone, examine someone's new cap, swap some gossip" etc.

Peter Linton (X)
Local time: 08:54
Works in field
Native speaker of: English
PRO pts in category: 4

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