A verse

English translation: One solution

08:52 Dec 3, 2004

Russian to English translations [PRO]
Art/Literary - Poetry & Literature / poetry

Russian term or phrase: A verse

Dear natives! Could you please check my translation of the following verse and give your comments.

Ты раскройся, Красный Мак
Покажи мне Мир весь так,
Чтобы я могла понять,
Где причину мне искать.

Oh Red Poppy, open thee,
All the World I wish to see,
There is much to be explained,
May I have thy answer gained?

First of all, this one is from a Children's book.
There is a sorceress named She-Who-Tells-Fortune and she has this magic Red Poppy. She is addressing it to find out what is meant for the land in the nearest future.
Is my translation OK or are there any weak parts which I don't see? With respect to the register, and all?

Lots of upfront thanks!

Andrew Vdovin KudoZ activity Questions: 3923 (2 open) (2 closed without grading) Answers: 3924
Local time: 06:40

English translation:One solution

Explanation:
How about this...

Oh, Red Poppy open wide
And let me see the world inside.
Grant that I may recognize
Where the hidden answer lies

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Note added at 15 hrs 24 mins (2004-12-04 00:16:43 GMT)
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Corrected:

O Red Poppy, open wide.
Let me see the world inside.
Grant that I may recognize
Where the hiden answer lies.

Selected response from:

JoeYeckley (X)

Grading comment

Thank you Joe! A great version! You are a much greater poet than me! :-j
4 KudoZ points were awarded for this answer

Summary of answers provided

3 +4

Here's my attempt

Jack Doughty

3 +4

One solution

JoeYeckley (X)

four lines below

Alina Mamlyuk

Discussion entries: 1

Answers

34 mins confidence:

peer agreement (net): +4

Here's my attempt

Explanation:
Poppy, open up to me.
All the world I wish to see.
So that I can tell from you
Where to find the reason true.

Your version is pretty good. But note that the vocative "O" does not have an "h", so it should be "O Red Poppy..."
"Open thee" sounds a bit odd, as we don't use the straight accusative form like this. It would either be just "Open!" or "Open thyself", But "Open thee" might still be considered justifiable poetic licence.
I also got rid of "thee", but not because I don't think children would understand it, this form of speech is used a lot in fairy tales. It just happened to work out that way.

Jack Doughty
United Kingdom
Local time: 00:40
Specializes in field
Native speaker of: English
PRO pts in category: 658

25 mins confidence:

four lines below

Explanation:
Oh, Red Poppy, open up,
Show the World in your big cup,
For I want to know and see
The one answer hid from me.

I basically got rid of "thee," "thy" and "gained" because I think it's a little too high-brow for children. And I couldn't just resist translating the whole four lines...they're too much fun! And, by the way, can we read the story once you're through with it? Looks interesting from all the things you've posted so far and children's lit (fairy stories, poems, etc.) are my favorite.

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Note added at 1 hr 0 min (2004-12-03 09:53:21 GMT)
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Also, I was thinking, in a way, of the three Macbeth witches and the simple, mainly monosyllabic language they use to keep the rhythm almost trance-like in their exchanges.

http://www-tech.mit.edu/Shakespeare/macbeth/macbeth.1.1.html

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Note added at 1 hr 41 mins (2004-12-03 10:33:44 GMT)
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Here\'s two alternative last lines

O, Red Poppy, open up,
Show the World in your big cup,
So that I can figure out
Where the answer lies about.

Alina Mamlyuk
Native speaker of:

English,

Russian

31 mins confidence:

peer agreement (net): +4

One solution

JoeYeckley (X)
Native speaker of: English
PRO pts in category: 83

Grading comment

Thank you Joe! A great version! You are a much greater poet than me! :-j

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