英译汉如何避免译文臃肿?
Thread poster: Linjian

Linjian
China
Local time: 12:02
English to Chinese
+ ...
May 6, 2010

汉语通常比较回避长句,尤其让人喘不过气来的句子,所以英译汉中,一般倾向于将原文酣畅淋漓文不加“点”的句子,切分成小块,组成汉语乐见的句子;但有时,原文逻辑确实太严密,无法拆分,就会出现很长的语块,看起来、读起来都很不自然。有个感觉,就是越是翻译高手,翻译越倾向于在忠实原文意思的前提下,实现很好的语言形式归化,也就是采取汉语喜闻乐见的形式,而这也是最体现汉语表现力和译者创造力的地方。下面两个句子,是刚在某标书里遇到的,下面是本人的拙译,应该属于比较反面的例子。不知同样的翻译任务,落到翻译高手乃至名家手里,对方会使用那些手段,得出什么样的译文?各位如果遇到这样的句子,通常怎么处理,愿意试一试吗?希望得到各位的启发。其实下面的句子,尤其是在译文的臃肿上,应该还不算最夸张的,我平时自己的译文里就出现过连续上百字不用一个逗号的情况,效果确实不好,很希望能有所改善。敬请指点。

Local traveling expense is applicable to regular travel from the airport run with commercial airline operating instructions which is the nearest to the project site as well as all travels at the project site.
当地差旅费适用于从离项目现场最近的商业机场到项目现场的常规行程及项目现场上的所有行程。(下划线部分应该是修饰airport的吧?译文那样处理不知是否有问题。)

For traveling expense incurred by average commercial flight at the lowest ticket price as practical as possible to the airport nearest to the project site as well as living expense incurred during travel between the headquarters and the airport nearest to the project site (except local traveling expense and living expense included in the above-mentioned daily living expense), the net cost can be reimbursed provided such net cost can be certified in writing. Time cost incurred during travel to and from the headquarters may not be reimbursed.
对于目的地为离项目现场最近的机场且价格根据实际情况为最低的商业航班所引起的花费以及在总部和离项目现场最近的机场之间的行程期间的生活费用(当地差旅费和生活费已包含在上述日常生活开销的情况除外),在能出具书面证明的前提下,费用净额应予报销,但往返总部所引起的时间成本不在报销之列。

[修改时间: 2010-05-06 07:09 GMT]


 

wonita (X)
China
Local time: 01:02
试一下第一句 May 6, 2010

Linjian wrote:

Local traveling expense is applicable to regular travel from the airport run with commercial airline operating instructions which is the nearest to the project site as well as all travels at the project site.
当地差旅费适用于从离项目现场最近的商业机场到项目现场的常规行程及项目现场上的所有行程。(下划线部分应该是修饰airport的吧?译文那样处理不知是否有问题。)

当地差旅费适用于机场到项目现场的常规行程及项目现场的所有行程,以离项目现场最近的商业机场为准。

[Edited at 2010-05-06 10:36 GMT]


 

wonita (X)
China
Local time: 01:02
第二句 May 6, 2010

Linjian wrote:
For traveling expense incurred by average commercial flight at the lowest ticket price as practical as possible to the airport nearest to the project site as well as living expense incurred during travel between the headquarters and the airport nearest to the project site (except local traveling expense and living expense included in the above-mentioned daily living expense), the net cost can be reimbursed provided such net cost can be certified in writing. Time cost incurred during travel to and from the headquarters may not be reimbursed.
对于目的地为离项目现场最近的机场且价格根据实际情况为最低的商业航班所引起的花费以及在总部和离项目现场最近的机场之间的行程期间的生活费用(当地差旅费和生活费已包含在上述日常生活开销的情况除外),在能出具书面证明的前提下,费用净额应予报销,但往返总部所引起的时间成本不在报销之列。

乘坐距项目现场最近机场的最优价普通商务飞机的花费,以及往返总部和上述机场所需的生活费用(当地差旅费和生活费已包含在上述日常生活费用的情况除外),在能出具书面证明的前提下,费用净额应予报销,但往返总部所需时间不在报销之列。

For 这个介词的处理方法可以灵活一点儿,
at the lowest ticket price as practical as possible 能买到的最便宜的机票
Time cost 个人认为没有必要译成时间成本,所需时间即可。


[Edited at 2010-05-06 08:31 GMT]


 


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英译汉如何避免译文臃肿?

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