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Your views on these two translations
Thread poster: xxxkenny2006woo

xxxkenny2006woo

Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
Jul 3, 2010

The original:

该生有扎实的专业知识,并能灵活运用所学的基本理论和基础知识。自学能力强,反应敏捷,善于接受新生事物,动手能力、实验技能都较强。我比较注重对学生运用基本理论和基础知识分析和思考问题的能力及操作能力的培养, 该生在学习期间表现比较突出,不仅上课认真听讲,能提出很有独创性的问题,而且能清楚地阐述自己的观点,思维活跃,思考问题全面客观,很能深入到问题的本质,具有较强的分析问题的能力;专业基础扎实,能灵活运用所学的基本理论和基础知识。

Notes:

The first and the last sentence are the same.
This part, "我比较注重对学生运用基本理论和基础知识分析和思考问题的能力及操作能力的培养," doesn't relate to the context closely.

An edited version of the original:

该生有扎实的专业知识,并能灵活运用所学的基本理论和基础知识。自学能力强,反应敏捷,善于接受新生事物,动手能力、实验技能都较强。学习期间表现比较突出,不仅上课认真听讲,能提出很有独创性的问题,而且能清楚地阐述自己的观点,思维活跃,思考问题全面客观,很能深入到问题的本质,具有较强的分析问题的能力.

The two translations:

VERSION ONE:

He had solid expertise which could be flexibly applied to practical problems. Self-motivated and a quick-study, he is quick to accept new things and has strong analytic and experimental skills, which well-adapted to my efforts to train students to apply the basic theories and knowledge to both analysis and operational situations. This student performed exceptionally well, not only listening earnestly to me as his teacher but also providing penetrating insights into problems presented. With strong analytical and solving problem skills, he could flexibly apply the basic theory and knowledge to his approach.

VERSION TWO:

Having a solid background in his field, he is able to use the fundamentals in a flexible way. He does well in independent study, is quickly-responsive, open-minded, and has great manual dexterity and experimental skills. Mr. xxx proved himself a good student during his study, not only because he was attentive in class, but more importantly, he was able to put forward views that were really initiative; his active mind, whole-mindedness, objectivity together with his excellent analytical skills always led him to the core of questions.


What's your view on these two translations? Or you may want to give your own version, so, why not give it a go?


[Edited at 2010-07-03 12:09 GMT]

[Edited at 2010-07-03 14:41 GMT]

[Edited at 2010-07-04 09:59 GMT]


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Zhoudan  Identity Verified
Local time: 07:03
Member (2007)
English to Chinese
+ ...
第二个版本顺一些 Jul 3, 2010

没仔细核对中文,第一印象是第二个版本读起来顺,意思也看得明白。

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calpain  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
+ ...
version two is much better than version one Jul 3, 2010

version two没有像version one那样紧跟原文字面,但完全表达出了原文的含义,比version one要高出许多,算得上是上佳译文。

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xxxkenny2006woo

Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
TOPIC STARTER
多谢二位评论 Jul 5, 2010

多谢二位评论,看来我们的意见是一致的。只可惜,人家选了第一篇译文。呵呵。

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calpain  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 07:03
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是试译吗? Jul 5, 2010

kenny2006woo wrote:

多谢二位评论,看来我们的意见是一致的。只可惜,人家选了第一篇译文。呵呵。


version two是你自己翻的?真的翻的很不错,难得见到翻得这么好的译文。


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xxxkenny2006woo

Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
TOPIC STARTER
过奖了 Jul 5, 2010

过奖了,呵呵。是试译。

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betterlife
China
Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
译文2 Jul 7, 2010

不常做汉译英。在这里谈我的看法有点班门弄斧哦。
没仔细看译文2,不过,窃以为,这句话再稍作改动或许更好:

He does well in independent study, is quickly-responsive, open-minded, and has great manual dexterity and experimental skills.

-->
He does well in independent study as well as has great manual dexterity and experimental skills, quick-responsive and open-minded.:)


[Edited at 2010-07-08 14:22 GMT]


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jyuan_us  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 19:03
Member (2005)
English to Chinese
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VERSION 2确实很好 Jul 7, 2010

但Version 1感觉起来像NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER翻译的。在美国呆久了,感觉从V1的句子结构和用词来看,像美国人写的。

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xxxkenny2006woo

Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
TOPIC STARTER
多谢二位指教 Jul 8, 2010

既然来此是讨论翻译,在下也略陈管见。失当之处,望方家不吝赐教。

VERSION TWO 是在下翻译的,窃以为比VERSION ONE 略胜一筹,但客户选了VERSION ONE,他认为VERSION TWO 用词浅薄,句式单调,我于是心存疑虑,故来此听听大家的看法。说到我自己的译文,我认为,现在西方很多语言学家提倡简明英文(plain English),所以,没有必要追求花巧,但我的译文当然不是完美的,希望大家多提意见。至于VERSION ONE,我想说说我的看法。

Self-motivated and a quick-study, he is quick to accept new things and has strong analytic and experimental skills, which well-adapted to my efforts to train students to apply the basic theories and knowledge to both analysis and operational situations.

语法错误
应该是Being self-motivated and a quick study, … quick 与study间无连字符。

Which 后面缺词
He is quick to accept… which well-adapted to …
另外,鄙人窃以为,“善于接受新生事物”,所谓“善于”,是指有选择的,不是不加分辨,因此翻译成“be quick to accept new things”似与原文含义相去甚远。翻译成“open-minded"似恰当些。

关系颠倒,不合逻辑
Skills adapted to my efforts?


With strong analytical and solving problem skills, he could flexibly apply the basic theory and knowledge to his approach.

不是solving problem skills 而是 problem-solving skills.

误译漏译:
反应敏捷不是 a quick study, 这个短语的意思是学得快的人。
“动手能力”未译,而多了一个analytic skills.
“能清楚地阐述自己的观点,思维活跃,思考问题全面客观”未译。

补充一句,大家尽可抛砖,只不过不要拍我,拍我的译文就行了,呵呵。


[Edited at 2010-07-08 02:50 GMT]

[Edited at 2010-07-08 02:58 GMT]


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xxxkenny2006woo

Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
TOPIC STARTER
谢谢BETTERLIFE Jul 8, 2010

betterlife wrote:

不常做汉译英。在这里谈我的看法有点班门弄斧哦。
没仔细看译文2,不过,窃以为,这句话再稍作改动或许更好:

He does well in independent study, is quickly-responsive, open-minded, and has great manual dexterity and experimental skills.

-->
He does well in independent study as well as has great manual dexterity and experimental skills, quickly-responsive and open-minded.:)


谢谢betterlife提建议。原译那么说是可以的,当然可以稍改措辞。你翻译的这句话似不合语法,quick-responsive and open-minded”无任何依附,另外,整个句子也不免前重后轻。:)


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betterlife
China
Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
没说你的不可以。俺窃以为嘛。 Jul 8, 2010

kenny2006woo wrote:

betterlife wrote:

不常做汉译英。在这里谈我的看法有点班门弄斧哦。
没仔细看译文2,不过,窃以为,这句话再稍作改动或许更好:

He does well in independent study, is quickly-responsive, open-minded, and has great manual dexterity and experimental skills.

-->
He does well in independent study as well as has great manual dexterity and experimental skills, quickly-responsive and open-minded.:)


谢谢betterlife提建议。原译那么说是可以的,当然可以稍改措辞。你翻译的这句话似不合语法,quick-responsive and open-minded”无任何依附,另外,整个句子也不免前重后轻。:)



呵呵。没说你的不可以。quick-responsive and open-minded 是分词作插入语的。你也可以把这个结构改成名词短语,前面加上with放在句首。这样整个句子结构可能会更协调一点。


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xxxkenny2006woo

Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
TOPIC STARTER
to betterlife Jul 8, 2010

嗯,不过如果做独立成分的话需要加上being, 比如 being quickly-responsive (or sharp) and open-minded, he does well in independent study, ...

[Edited at 2010-07-08 03:43 GMT]


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nigerose  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 07:03
Chinese to English
+ ...
精益求精 Jul 8, 2010

该生有扎实的专业知识,并能灵活运用所学的基本理论和基础知识。自学能力强,反应敏捷,善于接受新生事物,动手能力、实验技能都较强。学习期间表现比较突出,不仅上课认真听讲,能提出很有独创性的问题,而且能清楚地阐述自己的观点,思维活跃,思考问题全面客观,很能深入到问题的本质,具有较强的分析问题的能力.

Having a solid background in his field, he is able to use the fundamentals in a flexible way. He does well in independent study, is quickly-responsive, open-minded, and has great manual dexterity and experimental skills. Mr. xxx proved himself a good student during his study, not only because he was attentive in class, but more importantly, he was able to put forward views that were really initiative; his active mind, whole-mindedness, objectivity together with his excellent analytical skills always led him to the core of questions.

这种文字,只要译文没有语法错误,与原文意思偏差不大,怎么说都可以啦~~~~类似于“错得有理的翻译”。因此可以有多个版本。

几点意见:
use the fundamentals 中use改为apply更好。
Mr. xxx为什么放在段落中间?
initiative似乎用词不当。
第二句的谓语有does、is和has,似乎变化太大。
有些地方并不忠实原文,比如put forward views that were really initiative。
另外,我认为不必用过去时态,让人感觉他过去优秀而现在不一定。
分号应该改成句号。
active mind, whole-mindedness中重复mind字眼。


[修改时间: 2010-07-08 04:07 GMT]


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xxxkenny2006woo

Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
TOPIC STARTER
眼光犀利 Jul 8, 2010

nigerose wrote:

几点意见:
use the fundamentals 中use改为apply更好。
Mr. xxx为什么放在段落中间?
initiative似乎用词不当。
第二句的谓语有does、is和has,似乎变化太大。
有些地方并不忠实原文,比如put forward views that were really initiative。
另外,我认为不必用过去时态,让人感觉他过去优秀而现在不一定。
分号应该改成句号。
active mind, whole-mindedness中重复mind字眼。


[修改时间: 2010-07-08 04:07 GMT]


Nigerose 眼光犀利,在下佩服。你提的意见,我基本同意。但我觉得第二句的谓语变化太大似乎不成问题。另外,用逗号还是分号的问题,我认为还是该用分号,因为最后一句归because管。

总之,非常谢谢Nigerose。:) 今天收获不小,呵呵。

[Edited at 2010-07-08 04:16 GMT]


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xxxkenny2006woo

Local time: 07:03
English to Chinese
TOPIC STARTER
修改了,请大家继续抛砖,呵呵。 Jul 8, 2010

基于Nigerose的意见,我修改了下译文。新版本如下:

Having a solid background in his field, Mr. xxx is able to apply the fundamentals in a flexible way. He does well in independent study, is sharp, open-minded, and has great manual dexterity and experimental skills. During his period of study, he proved himself an outstanding student, not only because he was attentive in class, but more importantly, he was able to put forward views that were really of originality; his liberal mind, meticulousness, objectivity together with his excellent analytical skills always led him to the core of questions.


(之所以还是用过去时态是为了陈述客观。不知大家对时态有何看法。)

Thanks for any comments in advance.

Kenny

[Edited at 2010-07-08 04:32 GMT]

[Edited at 2010-07-08 04:56 GMT]


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