用顿号分割的项目如果还有内部细节应该如何处理?
Thread poster: lbone

lbone  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 05:06
English to Chinese
+ ...
Nov 27, 2010

正在翻译一段说明,其中有一串要求。照理各项要求间似乎应该用顿号分割,不过某一项要求下还有内部细节(“减少【噪音、振动、可预测和可重复的滑移】”),感觉有点打架了。读者看明白应该没问题,只是觉得有点别扭。有什么建议?

....并满足补偿热膨胀、减少噪音、振动、可预测和可重复的滑移、避免共振频率及提供过载保护等其他功能要求。


[Edited at 2010-11-27 11:09 GMT]


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Alan Wang  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 05:06
English to Chinese
+ ...
以及 Nov 27, 2010

是否可多添几个以及。

....并满足补偿热膨胀以及减少噪音、振动、可预测和可重复的滑移,以及避免共振频率和提供过载保护等其他功能要求。

lbone wrote:

正在翻译一段说明,其中有一串要求。照理各项要求间似乎应该用顿号分割,不过某一项要求下还有内部细节(“减少【噪音、振动、可预测和可重复的滑移】”),感觉有点打架了。读者看明白应该没问题,只是觉得有点别扭。有什么建议?

....并满足补偿热膨胀、减少噪音、振动、可预测和可重复的滑移、避免共振频率及提供过载保护等其他功能要求。


[Edited at 2010-11-27 11:09 GMT]


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wherestip  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 16:06
Chinese to English
+ ...
Chinese --> English? Nov 27, 2010

lbone,

Is this a Chinese to English translation you're doing?

Or is this an English to Chinese translation, and you're just trying to get some suggestions on how to phrase the Chinese sentence better?


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lbone  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 05:06
English to Chinese
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
E->C Nov 27, 2010

wherestip wrote:

lbone,

Is this a Chinese to English translation you're doing?

Or is this an English to Chinese translation, and you're just trying to get some suggestions on how to phrase the Chinese sentence better?



This is an English to Chinese job. Anyway, I am more interested in suggestions on this topic in gengeral without considering the English part, though I am also interested in suggestions on this specific case.


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wherestip  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 16:06
Chinese to English
+ ...
适当使用副词 Nov 27, 2010

lbone wrote:

This is an English to Chinese job. Anyway, I am more interested in suggestions on this topic in gengeral without considering the English part, though I am also interested in suggestions on this specific case.



那 Alan 说得不错. 适当地使用 "同时"、"并且"、"以及"、"也" 这类连贯词以取代某些顿号, 可以减少句型的沉赘, 并使句子更加清晰易读.


[Edited at 2010-11-27 15:59 GMT]


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wherestip  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 16:06
Chinese to English
+ ...
对了 Nov 27, 2010

还有 "不仅 ... 而且".

当然要看具体情况. 有时加太多连贯词或者用得不好, 反而啰嗦沉赘.



[Edited at 2010-11-27 16:00 GMT]


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lbone  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 05:06
English to Chinese
+ ...
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多谢! Nov 28, 2010

多谢 Alan 和 Steve 的建议。

其他同仁如果还有什么建议也欢迎提出:)


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nigerose  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 05:06
Chinese to English
+ ...
冒号和逗号 Nov 28, 2010

lbone wrote:

正在翻译一段说明,其中有一串要求。照理各项要求间似乎应该用顿号分割,不过某一项要求下还有内部细节(“减少【噪音、振动、可预测和可重复的滑移】”),感觉有点打架了。读者看明白应该没问题,只是觉得有点别扭。有什么建议?

....并满足补偿热膨胀、减少噪音、振动、可预测和可重复的滑移、避免共振频率及提供过载保护等其他功能要求。


[Edited at 2010-11-27 11:09 GMT]


....并满足以下其他功能要求:补偿热膨胀,减少噪音、振动、可预测和可重复的滑移,避免共振频率及提供过载保护等。

这种情况在专利文献中经常出现。

[修改时间: 2010-11-28 14:37 GMT]


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lbone  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 05:06
English to Chinese
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
多谢 nigerose Nov 29, 2010

多谢 nigerose 的建议。

这段文字如何写对我没什么特别要求,我今天想了想,打算小改一下结构,这样写,我觉得大概也可以:

...并满足补偿热膨胀、减少噪音和振动、减少可预测和可重复的滑移、避免共振频率及提供过载保护等其他功能要求。


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nigerose  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 05:06
Chinese to English
+ ...
降低 Nov 29, 2010

lbone wrote:

多谢 nigerose 的建议。

这段文字如何写对我没什么特别要求,我今天想了想,打算小改一下结构,这样写,我觉得大概也可以:

...并满足补偿热膨胀、减少噪音和振动、减少可预测和可重复的滑移、避免共振频率及提供过载保护等其他功能要求。


那不如把其中一个“减少”改成“降低”。


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lbone  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 05:06
English to Chinese
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
已经交了 Dec 2, 2010

nigerose wrote:

lbone wrote:

多谢 nigerose 的建议。

这段文字如何写对我没什么特别要求,我今天想了想,打算小改一下结构,这样写,我觉得大概也可以:

...并满足补偿热膨胀、减少噪音和振动、减少可预测和可重复的滑移、避免共振频率及提供过载保护等其他功能要求。


那不如把其中一个“减少”改成“降低”。


多谢建议,不过稿已经交了。

当时看“减少”也能说通,没想太多,就按这个版本交了。

如果要把某一个改成“降低”,大概只有前一个可以改。不过个人不太习惯用“降低振动”这种组合(好像是有些人这么写的),所以如果要改成“降低”,就又要拆了。

[Edited at 2010-12-02 17:31 GMT]


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用顿号分割的项目如果还有内部细节应该如何处理?

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