Off topic: Grumpy legal translator ToS
Thread poster: Łukasz Gos-Furmankiewicz

Łukasz Gos-Furmankiewicz  Identity Verified
Poland
Local time: 01:14
English to Polish
+ ...
May 16, 2013

Guess I need to destress.

1. These Terms of Service govern the provision of translatorial services by (hereinafter the 'Grumpy Legal Translator', 'I'). These Terms of Service are dedicated to proponents of the Plain Language Momevement (wheresoever abiding): no services are gonna be provided save as hereunder, especially to them. Or to other lawyers.
2. Any other terms or conditions shall of course hereby be excluded and made null and void and otherwise made completely incapable of any sort of enforcement in any place on this globe.
3. Client requirements, if there must be any, shall be communicated prior to the Solemn Confirmation of the Job Order Which Must Be Obeyed. Otherwise they shall not come anywhere close to binding, and should the Client (hereinafter the 'Client', 'U'--because I can) persist in his insistence, a payment of liquidated damages, by way of compensation of course surely not by way of any sort of penalty, shall apply in the amount of NPR 1,000,000,000 (one billion Nepalese rupees), in coins.
4. 'Reference' files, like their name suggests, are for reference.
5. Jobs due yesterday are payable yesterday. Threefold. Otherwise U can fold.
6. Non-payment shall not be made good by an 'oops, sorry, we forgot, how about next year?' nor excused by fifteen consecutive incidences of common cold in your CFO or the permanent absence of his assistant who knows where the files are, nor any incompetent attempt at a review by some amateur who catn speel, no Force Mineure, no nothing.
7. For the avoidance of doubt, non-payment just ain't gonna fly hereunder.
8. The Grumpy Legal Translator's Liability on any ground soever shall not under any guise soever include any form of indirect, consequential, special, exemplary, punitive, potential, inconsequential or imaginary damage or loss (soever).
9. Just in case I forgot any type of damage or loss (it's been ages since I last practiced), since the harm done by unsatisfactory performance as determined by the say-so of your reviewers would be hard to assess, the Parties of their own free and eager accord agree and acknowledge and represent and guarantee and warrant that the aggregate of the same shall be assessed at the lump sum of 0.
10. If U have any problem with my translation, any so called errors must be notified in writing within five minutes of delivery as a condition of your satisfaction guarantee. If I shall in my sole and exclusive and unquestioned and final judgement for whatever unlikely reason so deem fit, I shall exercise a modest effort to address the foregoing within 90 days (does the deadline sound familiar?).
11. I translate stuff your associates don't understand. U agree to defend and hold me harmless and unpestered from and by and against your associates. Have them ask a partner first, or an old secretary that forgot more law than they ever learned.
12. Never in my lifetime will I submit to arbitration.
13. Any dispute hereunder or in connection herewith, not excluding really anything soever, shall be adjudicated by the courts in the Grumpy Legal Translator's backyard, where he drinks bourbon with judge at the golf yard every Saturday (unfortunately, there is no golf on the other days of the week).
14. Any variation hereof or deviation herefrom or waiver of any provision hereof shall require the written form under the pain of nullity. And a notarization. And a royal charter and ratification by the Senate of the Galactic Republic.
15. The absence of headers herein is for orientation only.

[Edited at 2013-05-16 23:12 GMT]


 

Amy Taylor  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 17:14
Member (2002)
Italian to English
Nicely done! May 16, 2013

Very funny Łukasz. Thoroughly enjoyable.icon_smile.gif
Amy


 

Łukasz Gos-Furmankiewicz  Identity Verified
Poland
Local time: 01:14
English to Polish
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Thank you May 17, 2013

Thank you, Amy.

Also, the absence of commas in that windy cluster section 3 is intentional.icon_wink.gif I was going to add a snarky parenthesis to that effect, but I forgot eventually. There's a reason I'm not an interpreter.

[Edited at 2013-05-17 00:45 GMT]


 

Lori Cirefice  Identity Verified
France
Local time: 01:14
French to English
Love it! May 17, 2013

That was a really fun read - thank you!

 

NataliaAnne  Identity Verified
Brazil
Local time: 21:14
Portuguese to English
Thanks! May 17, 2013

That was a great way to start the day!icon_smile.gif

 

Triston Goodwin  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 17:14
Spanish to English
+ ...
Ratification by the Senate of the Galactic Republic? May 17, 2013

Don't make me bring Jar Jar back in here!

 

Łukasz Gos-Furmankiewicz  Identity Verified
Poland
Local time: 01:14
English to Polish
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Yoosa May 17, 2013

Triston Goodwin wrote:

Don't make me bring Jar Jar back in here!


I've just imagined addressing 'yoosa' in plain language guidelines from the offices of Representative Binks. Thanks.


 

AnnaSCHTR  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 18:14
English to Czech
+ ...
Thank you, love it May 17, 2013

I've been reading this forum for years and this is probably one of my favorite posts of all times. I am tempted to steal it and send it in response to all sorts of inane agreements I've been getting lately. We have actually lost one or two prospective clients by refusing to sign some of the worst ones. The agencies seem to be always amazed translators actually read them.

 

José Henrique Lamensdorf  Identity Verified
Brazil
Local time: 21:14
English to Portuguese
+ ...
You forgot to mention... May 17, 2013

... that they are disallowed to offer any job to any other translator working in your language pair for as long as this agreement is effective, and for five consecutive years after its termination or expiration.

 

Łukasz Gos-Furmankiewicz  Identity Verified
Poland
Local time: 01:14
English to Polish
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
How about... May 17, 2013

José Henrique Lamensdorf wrote:

... that they are disallowed to offer any job to any other translator working in your language pair for as long as this agreement is effective, and for five consecutive years after its termination or expiration.


How about we put that one in the middle of the confidentiality clause or a liability disclaimer?

Anna Schuster wrote:

I've been reading this forum for years and this is probably one of my favorite posts of all times. I am tempted to steal it and send it in response to all sorts of inane agreements I've been getting lately. We have actually lost one or two prospective clients by refusing to sign some of the worst ones. The agencies seem to be always amazed translators actually read them.


The funny part is that as long as you're a business owner, you can have your own general terms and conditions and as long as you don't fail to meet minimum information requirements (footers etc.), which are much easier to meet with agencies than with consumers, your ToS is actually binding, and any incompatible provisions cancel each other out (unless you've signed a very specific waiver). From that point on, it's just maths. Think what you want to cancel out, and overdraft accordingly.

[Edited at 2013-05-17 18:35 GMT]

Also thanks to Natalie, Triston and Anne. Glad to hear you enjoy my little venting piece. Take some load off a horrible end of business week.

[Edited at 2013-05-17 18:36 GMT]

[Edited at 2013-05-17 18:38 GMT]


 


To report site rules violations or get help, contact a site moderator:


You can also contact site staff by submitting a support request »

Grumpy legal translator ToS

Advanced search






memoQ translator pro
Kilgray's memoQ is the world's fastest developing integrated localization & translation environment rendering you more productive and efficient.

With our advanced file filters, unlimited language and advanced file support, memoQ translator pro has been designed for translators and reviewers who work on their own, with other translators or in team-based translation projects.

More info »
PerfectIt consistency checker
Faster Checking, Greater Accuracy

PerfectIt helps deliver error-free documents. It improves consistency, ensures quality and helps to enforce style guides. It’s a powerful tool for pro users, and comes with the assurance of a 30-day money back guarantee.

More info »



Forums
  • All of ProZ.com
  • Term search
  • Jobs
  • Forums
  • Multiple search