Off topic: Bad english/grammar in church bulletins
Thread poster: PB Trans
PB Trans

Local time: 06:17
French to English
+ ...
Oct 5, 2004

CHURCH LADIES & TYPEWRITERS

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

6. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor David's sermons.

11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

12. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

16. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

17. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

18 . Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

19. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

20. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM- prayer and medication to follow.

21. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

22. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

23. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

24. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

25. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

26. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

27. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

28. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."


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Sormane Fitzgerald Gomes  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 01:17
Member (2004)
Portuguese to English
+ ...
Very funny. Oct 5, 2004

Very funny, Pina. Thanks for the laugh.

My favorite:

28. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Have a good day. : )

Sormane


[Edited at 2004-10-05 13:37]


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PB Trans

Local time: 06:17
French to English
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
# 17 Oct 5, 2004

Thanks! My favourite is #17. They are going to need a really big envelope!

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Sarah Ponting  Identity Verified
Italy
Local time: 07:17
Italian to English
+ ...
Love it! Oct 5, 2004

Pina Nunes wrote:

Thanks! My favourite is #17. They are going to need a really big envelope!


I prefer numbers 1 and 13 myself, but perhaps that just reflects my sense of humour...
Thanks!

Sarah


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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 06:17
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
More church notices Oct 5, 2004

Thank you, Pina.

I've found a few more church notices (allegedly genuine, but I wouldn’t bet on it).

(1) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

(2) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

(3) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

(4) Ushers will eat latecomers.

(5) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

(6) The Rev. Merryweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

(7) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

(8) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

(9) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

(10) Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

(11) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

(12) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

(13) Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

(14) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

(15) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

(16) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

(17) On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.

(18) We need volunteers for summer camp. There will be sinning and dancing.

(19) The Spring Council Retreat will be hell on May 10 and 11.

(20) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

(21) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.


[Edited at 2004-10-05 16:52]


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PB Trans

Local time: 06:17
French to English
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
#21 Oct 5, 2004

My absolute favourite!!)

(21) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

[Edited at 2004-10-05 18:15]


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Nathalie Altman
Canada
Local time: 01:17
English to French
Still wiping my tears Oct 6, 2004

I go for Pina's nos 25-26-27.

Thank you! Laughter IS the medicine of the gods.

Cheers,

Nathalie


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Miomira Brankovic  Identity Verified
Serbia
Local time: 07:17
Member
English to Serbian
+ ...
My favorites: Pina's No. 14 and 17 Oct 6, 2004

Thank you all who helped me start this day with a laugh.
Pina's No. 5 reminded me of a notice said to be posted years ago in a small town:
Civil defense exercise "Nothing can surprise us" will take place Sunday from 9:00 a.m. till 12:00 noon. To be cancelled in case of rain.
Regards,
Miomira


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Monika Coulson  Identity Verified
Local time: 23:17
Member (2001)
English to Albanian
+ ...
So cute and funny, Thank You! Oct 6, 2004

Thank you guys, these are very funny.

My favorite ones are 25 and 26 from the first batch:

25. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

26. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


and 14 from the second batch:


(14) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.



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NancyLynn
Canada
Local time: 01:17
Member (2002)
French to English
+ ...

Moderator of this forum
No. 27 LOL Oct 6, 2004

Up Yours!!! What a slogan Tell me , was there a graphic included? (Maybe a pic of the sermon gesturing to his congregation...)
Thanks Pina & Jack,

Nancy


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lien
Netherlands
Local time: 07:17
English to French
+ ...
Can't stop laughing Oct 7, 2004

(15) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

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