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Off topic: Courtroom comments...glad I didn't have to translate them too!
Thread poster: Gayle Wallimann

Gayle Wallimann  Identity Verified
Local time: 19:23
Member (2001)
French to English
+ ...
Nov 16, 2004

Funny, but I can't find the name of the author on the Internet...:(

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________


Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've

forgotten?

_____________________________________


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up

that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or

the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________


Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________


Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________


Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________


Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

______________________________________


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law somewhere.


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Lucinda  Identity Verified
Local time: 15:23
Member (2002)
Dutch to English
+ ...
Still chuckling Nov 16, 2004

This is priceless. Thanks, Gayle, this is the laugh that I needed after a hard day.

Lucinda


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Selcuk Akyuz  Identity Verified
Turkey
Local time: 21:23
Member (2006)
English to Turkish
+ ...
Some more 'jokes' Nov 16, 2004

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


A.
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


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italia  Identity Verified
Germany
Local time: 19:23
Italian to German
+ ...
Too good Nov 16, 2004

Thanks for sharing these unbelievable commments, hopefully no colleague had to translate any nonsense like this and I wonder how you could when realising that people are talking rubbish like this:)))

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Andy Watkinson
Spain
Local time: 19:23
Member
Catalan to English
+ ...
Lectlaw Nov 16, 2004

If I'm not mistaken these are taken from the Lectlaw site.

e.g.

Counsel "And you stated that my client was wounded in the woods?"

Witness: "No. I said he was injured in the lumbar region"


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Gayle Wallimann  Identity Verified
Local time: 19:23
Member (2001)
French to English
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Lectlaw site Nov 16, 2004

andycw wrote:
If I'm not mistaken these are taken from the Lectlaw site.


Could be from that site originally, Idon't know. I got them from my Mom who is always trying to distract me from the drudgery of sitting at the computer into the wee hours of the night. Glad you enjoyed them. I sure did laugh at them too.
Good night all.
Gayle


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Jesús Marín Mateos  Identity Verified
Local time: 18:23
English to Spanish
+ ...
Wherever... Nov 16, 2004

Dear Gayle,
Wherever you got them from they're amazing.....I wonder how court typist manage not to laugh....
Many thanks.


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xxxPaul Roige
Spain
Local time: 19:23
English to Spanish
+ ...
Please, agencies the world over and beyond: Nov 17, 2004

Anybody, really. Can you please send me stuff like this to translate, please please please???????!!!!!!!!
And tissues too please, I'm laughing rivers of tears.
Thanks
P


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Narasimhan Raghavan  Identity Verified
Local time: 23:53
English to Tamil
+ ...
Here is one of the about 894 links Nov 17, 2004

See:http://www.boreme.com/bm/DEC02/a/court/jump_fr.htm

Regards,
N.Raghavan


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Giulia Barontini  Identity Verified
Italy
Local time: 19:23
English to Italian
+ ...
Terrific jokes! Nov 17, 2004

I would like to join in Paul's appeal: DO give us some of this fab stuff to work on!!! I will include this special request in my profile!

Thank you ever so much Gayle for sharing this material with us, it was like a breath of fresh air after a dog of a day!

Ciao Ciao

Giuly
xxx

[Edited at 2004-11-17 01:06]


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claudia bagnardi  Identity Verified
Local time: 15:23
English to Spanish
+ ...
Great laugh Nov 17, 2004

Thanks Gayle.
And thanks Narasinham for the link!
Good night
Claudia


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Tamara Zahran  Identity Verified
Local time: 21:23
English to Arabic
It's amazing Nov 17, 2004

Thank you really, I've never laughed like this!

Tamara


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davidgreen
German to English
two more for you Nov 17, 2004

Very funny stuff, I wouldn't count on the fact that these things were actually said in court but it sure is possible. One I remember from a similar list was the question:
"And how far apart were the vehicles at the moment of the collision?"
and one I actually saw on tv during the O J Simpson trial. They were interviewing a witness, I think he may have been from forensics and perhaps chinese or korean. The question dealt with who exactly was on the scene at the time, "was so and so there, sargeant xyz was he there?" finally the witness answered in a good humoured voice, "Listen, I'm sorry, to tell you the truth all you guys look alike to me."


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teju  Identity Verified
Local time: 11:23
English to Spanish
+ ...
A few more... Nov 17, 2004

I'm a court interpreter, we collect these things. Here's a couple more:

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you commited suicide?

____________________

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

___________________

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

____________________

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said: "Your honor, I'd like to strike the next question".
____________________

The Judge, instructing the jury: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any".

____________________

Attorney: When he went, had you gone, and had she, if she wanted to, and were able to, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

DA: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.


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Derek Gill Franßen  Identity Verified
Germany
Local time: 19:23
German to English
+ ...
That is just too funny... Nov 17, 2004

...I almost died laughing! Those are priceless moments. Thanks for sharing them!

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