Small passage on translation
Thread poster: Ravil_ka

Ravil_ka  Identity Verified
Local time: 09:16
English to Russian
+ ...
Sep 3, 2010

Hi
I'm new to this forum and to ProZ, so not sure where to post my question.
Could you have a look at the sentences below and say say whether they sound English enough? or is it too 'Runglish'?
Thank you in advance))
"For a bad shooter, the best pistol is of no use, since it will never hit the target. On the other hand, there will be hardly more use of the world’s best shooter should you give him a defective, blank shooting gun. In a real battle, shooting skills and proficiency alone are not enough to hit the enemy, but it also takes a good rifle charged with a ball cartridge".


 

Neil Coffey  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 23:16
French to English
+ ...
My 2p... Sep 3, 2010

Ravil_ka wrote:
I'm new to this forum and to ProZ, so not sure where to post my question.
Could you have a look at the sentences below and say say whether they sound English enough? or is it too 'Runglish'?
Thank you in advance))
"For a bad shooter, the best pistol is of no use, since it will never hit the target. On the other hand, there will be hardly more use of the world’s best shooter should you give him a defective, blank shooting gun. In a real battle, shooting skills and proficiency alone are not enough to hit the enemy, but it also takes a good rifle charged with a ball cartridge".


It's not a common use of the forum, but since the passage is short, I'll give you my suggestion for "minimal" corrections. (Obviously if you have a lot of correction to do, then the appropriate thing to do would be to advertise it as a job, but I don't suppose anyone will mind too much doing one paragraph for free...)

"With a poor marksman, even the best pistol is of no use, since it will never hit the target. On the other hand, the world's best marksman will be barely of more use if you give him a defective gun that shoots blanks. In a real battle, shooting skills and proficiency alone are not enough to hit the enemy. It also takes a good rifle loaded with a cartridge of bullets."

Note that I'm suggesting this is a more or less "minimal" set of corrections: you could improve the style a little bit more probably, even though what you have isn't actually wrong. (E.g. "of little use" is a bit more elegant than "of no use", as is "not sufficient" rather than "not enough".)

I assume that "cartridge of bullets" is what you meant -- if there is actually such a thing as a "ball cartridge" then fair enough, I've just never heard of it and I know that in various languages "ball" and "bullet" are the same word (sorry, my Russian's not that good so I don't know if that's actually the case in Russian). That said, I find this last sentence a bit bizarre -- I'm not sure what else you'd load a rifle with. Maybe you can just say "a good, loaded rifle" unless the technical details of the cartridge are somehow important to what you're saying...?


 

Ravil_ka  Identity Verified
Local time: 09:16
English to Russian
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
thank you Sep 3, 2010

Thank you, Neil.
I just need an opinion whether it's worth while to proceed with translation.
My strongest belief is that translation by a native speaker is a must for literature. Another thing is how to explain this to a Russian speaking client))))


 

Desdemone (X)
Local time: 19:16
French to English
IMO Sep 3, 2010

Ravil_ka wrote:

Thank you, Neil.
I just need an opinion whether it's worth while to proceed with translation.
My strongest belief is that translation by a native speaker is a must for literature. Another thing is how to explain this to a Russian speaking client))))


To answer your question, I don't think it would be worth your while, particularly if this is a long text (you mentioned literary). You would absolutely have to hire an English revisor, and adjust your rates accordingly.


 


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