Off topic: A Small Story to Share with you Again!!
Thread poster: jelly_gill

jelly_gill  Identity Verified
India
Local time: 06:11
Member (2006)
English to Panjabi
+ ...
Feb 9, 2010

Dear all,

Thank you all who read my previous story, 'A Mother's Love' on this forum. Here is my next small story to share with you.

You are requested to give any suggestions if you see something not looking good.


Bare Footed Lady



It was a hot summer day. The sun was over the head. On a busy Chennai suburban road, she was moving slowly with a heavy bundle of wood on her head. Due to searing heat, the tar road was like an iron furnace. And my heart almost jumped out of my body, when I saw she was bare footed. "Poverty is a great curse! ", I thought. Behind the glass walls of air conditioned restaurant, where I was sipping a glass of orange juice, I wondered why she was moving so slow. She was aged about 35 years, malnourished yet determined and strong enough to walk faster even with that bundle of wood on her head. But she was not walking fast as she should have done on that hot road. After every 15- 20 seconds she would stop and look backwards and again after 2-3 seconds pause, she would immediately step forward to get some relief.

Since my childhood, my father had constantly fed me with his ideology of always helping the poor and needy and in an instant, I decided to go out and give her some money to purchase a pair of sleepers. As I got out of the restaurant, She stopped again and looked back. I followed her gaze and I was stunned to see a 5 year old kid walking with great difficulty. He was wearing his mummy's sleepers!


 

Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 01:41
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
Slippers, not sleepers Feb 9, 2010

Sleepers are either people who are asleep, or large wooden or concrete beams across a railway track, on which the rails are laid.

 

xxxGrayson Morr  Identity Verified
Netherlands
Local time: 02:41
Dutch to English
Comments Feb 9, 2010

I like the basic premise of the story, and the twist at the end!



The sun was overhead.

...out of my body when I.... [no comma]

..of the air-conditioned restaurant...

...moving so slowly.

...not walking as fast as she should....

...after 2-3 seconds' pause.... [add apostrophe] OR ....after a 2-3 second pause...

...purchase a pair of slippers....

...As I left the restaurant, she...


There are also style issues - I follow Chicago, so I'd have written all your numbers as words, for example - but those can only be accurately judged given a particular style to follow. And while "kid" is not incorrect, it's very informal and I wouldn't use it in a story like this one.

Then there's the way one crafts sentences, which is very personal. For example, I'd have liked "The searing heat had turned the road into an iron furnace" much better. Even better would be "The searing heat had turned the road into an asphalt furnace" (as there is no iron in the road, presumably).

One of the best ways to hone your storycrafting is to read really good authors. For short stories, I recommend Joyce Carol Oates (and there are many, many others; that's just a starter).


 

jelly_gill  Identity Verified
India
Local time: 06:11
Member (2006)
English to Panjabi
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
thanks. Feb 9, 2010

Thanks Jack for pointing this out to me.

 

jelly_gill  Identity Verified
India
Local time: 06:11
Member (2006)
English to Panjabi
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Thank You. Feb 9, 2010

Thanks Morris, for keenly reading my story and for your valuable suggestions.

 


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