Off topic: Rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's Engerlish
Thread poster: Uldis Liepkalns

Uldis Liepkalns  Identity Verified
Local time: 12:17
Member (2003)
English to Latvian
+ ...
Jan 13, 2004

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose
earth shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when
its not needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me
what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


Michele Johnson  Identity Verified
Local time: 11:17
German to English
+ ...
Reference? Jan 13, 2004

I thought these were great! Thanks for posting. But perhaps Rule 35 should be "When quoting material, always reference your sources."

Seriously, would be interested to know the author/source (or is it from you Uldis?)



Uldis Liepkalns  Identity Verified
Local time: 12:17
Member (2003)
English to Latvian
+ ...
No, Michele, I'm not the author, Jan 13, 2004

but I collect them (this and such like has been published countless times in various joke mailing lists) and the original author, AFAIK, is lost somewhere in the processicon_smile.gif

Michele Johnson wrote:
Seriously, would be interested to know the author/source (or is it from you Uldis?)

Here comes one more description of a great invention (haven't seen it yet on ProZ) and for this, too, I do not know the author):


Technological Report: Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device called B.O.O.K.
The "BOOK" is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover! Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here's how it works. . .
Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now BOOKs with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and to move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous bookmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
The media is ideal for long term archive use; several field trials have proven that the media will still be readable in several centuries, and because of its simple user interface it will be compatible with future reading devices.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCIL). Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.

[Edited at 2004-01-13 13:25]


Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 10:17
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
The Queen's Latin Jan 13, 2004

The Queen described 1992, the year in which much of Windsor Castle was destroyed by fire, and the breakdown of the marriage of the Prince and Princess of Wales became apparent, as an "annus horribilis".

According to the actor Stephen Fry, this was also the year in which she described Andrew Morton, author of the book "Diana - Her True Story", as an "anus horribilis", but I am not inclined to believe this!


Michele Johnson  Identity Verified
Local time: 11:17
German to English
+ ...
"anus horribilis" Jan 13, 2004

Jack Doughty wrote:
... this was also the year in which she described Andrew Morton, author of the book "Diana - Her True Story", as an "anus horribilis"...

That would be too good to be true, wouldn't it?! Brilliant.


sylver  Identity Verified
Local time: 18:17
English to French
Brillant Jan 14, 2004

Thanks a lot Uldis! I loved it. Please let me know when this B.O.O.K. becomes available on the market. I would sure like to give it a try.


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