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Off topic: Funny British Humour
Thread poster: Paul Dixon

Paul Dixon  Identity Verified
Brazil
Local time: 01:26
Portuguese to English
+ ...
Oct 16, 2011

Received through Facebook:

"To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)


Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!"


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Yasutomo Kanazawa  Identity Verified
Local time: 12:26
English to Japanese
+ ...
This is funny Oct 16, 2011

Thanks for sharing.

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Nicole Schnell  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 19:26
English to German
+ ...
You forgot rule 16 Oct 16, 2011

16. All Americans will be required to wear our beautiful hats.






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Ty Kendall  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 03:26
Hebrew to English
That fashion travesty.... Oct 16, 2011

....just shows how shallow the Royal gene pool is.

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Halil Ibrahim Tutuncuoglu "Бёcäטsع Լîfe's cômplicåtعd eñøugh"
Turkey
Local time: 06:26
Turkish to English
+ ...
Rule 17 Oct 16, 2011

The traffic will drive on the left-hand side of the road like in the UK and cars will be imported.

[Edited at 2011-10-16 19:12 GMT]


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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 03:26
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
Rule 17 (amended) Oct 16, 2011

The traffic will drive on the left-hand side of the road AS in the UK and cars will be imported.
The use of "like" instead of "as" in such a context will henceforth be strictly forbidden.


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Nicole Schnell  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 19:26
English to German
+ ...
That's right - Rule 17 Oct 16, 2011

TurkishEnglishTranslator.com "Бёcäטsع Լîfe's cômplicåtعd eñøugh" wrote:

cars will be imported



Every American will receive a free Lotus, Rolls-Royce or Jaguar.


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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 03:26
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
Cars Oct 16, 2011

Jaguar is owned by Ford and Rolls-Royce by BMW. I'm not sure, but I think Lotus is still independent. But it doesn't make that many cars.

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Nicole Schnell  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 19:26
English to German
+ ...
Lotus will do. :-) Oct 16, 2011

Jack Doughty wrote:

Jaguar is owned by Ford and Rolls-Royce by BMW. I'm not sure, but I think Lotus is still independent. But it doesn't make that many cars.


Just keep the British Leyland to yourself. My first car was an Austin Allegro. The exhaust pipe usually traveled on the backseat because it kept falling off...


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Evonymus (Ewa Kazmierczak)  Identity Verified
Poland
Local time: 04:26
Member (2010)
English to Polish
+ ...
hats off :) Oct 16, 2011

I wonder what's wrong with poor Kansas
Ewa


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Allison Wright  Identity Verified
Portugal
Local time: 03:26
German to English
+ ...
I might have believed this to be true Oct 17, 2011

were it not for the split infinitive in the second paragraph.


And the "not [being] able to govern yourselves..."


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Nicole Schnell  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 19:26
English to German
+ ...
Kansas Oct 17, 2011

My theory regarding Kansas is that the prevalence of tornadoes poses an ongoing threat to Her Majesty's flamboyant headwear.

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Allison Wright  Identity Verified
Portugal
Local time: 03:26
German to English
+ ...
Rule 18. No-one will let the dogs out before tea. Oct 17, 2011

No-one will sing that song, either.

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Nicole Schnell  Identity Verified
United States
Local time: 19:26
English to German
+ ...
double posting Oct 17, 2011

deleted (browser had a hiccup...)

[Edited at 2011-10-17 00:11 GMT]


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David Wright  Identity Verified
Austria
Local time: 04:26
German to English
+ ...
And Oct 17, 2011

when I ask you how you are, you will tell me you are fine. **I** will decide whether you are good!

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