Off topic: Bring a smile... :o)
Thread poster: moya

moya  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 21:43
French to English
+ ...
Sep 30, 2004

Subject: Brings a smile

Hope this makes you smile...

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair,

but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara

with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:

"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"

to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a

"new & improved" flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when

they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,

is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"

if flying is so safe?


In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer

On a Myer hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping".

(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap".

(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost".

(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert

(printed on bottom):

"Do not turn upside down".

(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating".

(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body".

(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those

On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness".

(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only".

(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use".

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:

"Warning: contains nuts".

(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".

(Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:

On a child's superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".

(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Lorena Grancelli  Identity Verified
Local time: 17:43
Member (2009)
English to Spanish
Great! Sep 30, 2004

You really made me laugh!
Thanks a lot for sharing this!



Ivana de Sousa Santos  Identity Verified
Local time: 21:43
French to Portuguese
+ ...
Knew most of them but... Sep 30, 2004

they always make me laugh.



Paul Dixon  Identity Verified
Local time: 18:43
Portuguese to English
+ ...
Great Laugh! May 20, 2009

Thanks for making me laugh!

I just thought of another one - why is it called a black box if it is actually orange?

And in Brazil CON-gress is definitely the opposite of progress...

With regard to instructions and notices, remembered this one which apparently was on a hotel door in Bangkok:

The waitress will give you a bill and you may sign her on the backside.


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