Off topic: 96 Year Old's Letter to Bank
Thread poster: Trudy Peters
| | Trudy Peters
Local time: 02:00
German to English
96 Year Old's Letter to Bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee
a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of buttons presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client
| || |
Truly a masterpiece. Thanks for sharing....
| Thanks, Trudy, || Apr 13, 2005 |
it put a wide smile on my face.
Local time: 08:00
Spanish to English
| Stick it to The Man! || Apr 13, 2005 |
Excellent - we all should follow this fine example!
| | RHELLER
Local time: 00:00
French to English
| see British version || Apr 17, 2005 |
Thanks, Gianfranco for the link you posted above.
It includes a more elaborate, British version as well
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96 Year Old's Letter to Bank
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