Off topic: For proud parents: Lamentations of the Father...
Thread poster: diana bb

diana bb  Identity Verified
Lithuania
Local time: 01:44
English to Lithuanian
+ ...
Oct 16, 2002

Household Principles for Children

Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier... as from the Old Testament



Laws of Forbidden Places

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.



Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.



Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me.Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.



Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your ABC blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.



When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.



When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.



Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.



And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.



Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup.And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.



Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.



But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.



But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.



And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.



On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.



Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness may overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose.For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.



Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off.For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.



And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.



Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say.Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.



Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.



Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.



Hope you\'ll benefit from that )



Regards,



Diana







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Elías Sauza  Identity Verified
Mexico
Local time: 17:44
Member (2002)
English to Spanish
+ ...
Very edificating Oct 17, 2002

Thanks very much for sharing it, Diana.



Now, something else. Things to learn from children:





If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong

enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a

superman cape.



It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a

20 by 20 foot room



When you hear the toilet flush and the words \"Uh-oh,\" it\'s already too

late



Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it



A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36

year old man says they can only do it in the movies



If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it

does not leak - it explodes



A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4

inches deep



Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old



Super glue is forever



McGyver can teach us many things we don\'t want to know



No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can\'t

walk on water



A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36

year old man says they can only do it in the movies



If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it

does not leak - it explodes



A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4

inches deep



Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old



Super glue is forever



McGyver can teach us many things we don\'t want to know



No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can\'t

walk on water



Pool filters do not like Jello



VCR\'s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show

they do



Always look in the oven before you turn it on



The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time



The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy



It will however make cats dizzy



Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy



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xxxschwensen  Identity Verified
Local time: 00:44
Spanish to Danish
+ ...
A good laugh Oct 17, 2002

Thanks for a good laugh and some very good ideas to both of you, says a mother to a three year old boy who fits into many of Elías\' points.



Best,



Anna, who will be more aware about washing machines, ovens and super glues in the future.


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Giovanni Guarnieri MITI, MIL  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 23:44
Member (2004)
English to Italian
very good... Oct 17, 2002

I liked the can of paint attached to the fan.... a quick way to redecorate your house.



G

[ This Message was edited by: on 2002-10-17 11:34 ]


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Sandra_MT
Portuguese to English
+ ...
How sad it would be.... Oct 17, 2002

...if kids didn\'t do all that, Diana! That\'s what makes them kids ) They say we spend children\'s first years trying to make them talk and after that we spend the next 15 trying to make them be quiet!



I agree with Giovanni: I painted my bedroom this week - if I\'d known of that fan technique!! lol


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diana bb  Identity Verified
Lithuania
Local time: 01:44
English to Lithuanian
+ ...
TOPIC STARTER
Re. How sad it would be Oct 17, 2002

Couldn\'t agree with you more, Sandra!

Life would be terribly boring without that. While now I come back from work, and the place is full of surprises!



Regards,



Diana


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Arthur Borges
China
Local time: 07:44
English
+ ...
An exquisite piece, Diana, Oct 19, 2002

Thanx very much for a lovely Saturday night laugh during a break on a doc with a Monday morning deadline.

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