Off topic: The History of the World: a College Version
Thread poster: diana bb
| | diana bb
Local time: 10:33
English to Lithuanian
May you not be discouraged by the length of this posting. Believe me, it is worth the effort.
56 B.C. AND ALL THAT
(Excerpt from Richard Lederer\'s Anguished English (Wyrick, Dell). Mr Lederer teaches English at St. Paul\'s School.)
It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.
The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, \"Am I my brother\'s son?\"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother\'s birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob\'s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David\'s sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
Later, came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn\'t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on is journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that\'s the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.
Then came the middle ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the bluebonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son\'s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Witttenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello\'s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the \"Virgin Queen.\" As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted \"hurrah.\" Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
In one of Shakespeare\'s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over everytime he sees his mother. In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo\'s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim\'s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, \"A horse divided against itself cannot stand.\" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America\'s greatest Precedent. Lincoln\'s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, \"In onion there is strength.\"
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth\'s career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the Enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped Napoleon\'s flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn\'t have any children.
The Sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became on of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
This seems to be the biblical part that somebody has extracted from the above and added to
Student\'s History Lessons
These student bloopers are all genuine, authentic, and unretouched. (None, of course, was written by your child - or any youngster in your school district.) It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah\'s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot\'s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David\'s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, \"Man doth not live by sweat alone.\" It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Chistian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
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Sarcastic criticism probably based on reality!
| A smile a day... || Oct 19, 2002 |
Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.
The President of the United States, in having foreign affairs, has to have the consent of the Senate.
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father, but the president isn\'t.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow, not the bull.
To be a good nurse, you must be absolutely sterile.
The Egyptians worshiped the god Onassis. They raped mummies in bandages. Rosetta Stone was the first queen of Egypt.
The Spanish Inquisition tortured people with tongs and reg hot brassieres.
The term RENAISSANCE refers to the after-birth of learning. During the renaissance, people began to think for the first time.
Michelangelo illustrated the Sixteenth Chapter of the book \"The Agony and the Ecstacy.\" We don\'t know who did the other fifteen, but they say it was one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Martin Luther is famous for nailing 95 Feces to the door in Wittenburg. He ate a diet of worms and died.
Unfortunately, Marie Ann Twinette was beheaded. After she died, she had very little chance to continue her career. During the French Revolution, many French nobles requested giblets rather than the guillotine.
I think, therefore I am\" was said by the philosopher Day Cart.
The French settlement in North America consisted of a series of military fornication up and down the Ohio River.
George Washington was a very social man. He had big balls and everyone enjoyed them.
Martin Luther was born in Germany and had a dream. He went to Washington and told his Sermon on the Monument. Later, he nailed 96 Protestants in the Watergate scandal, which made a new religious and rasial morality in the United States.
A passive verb is when the subject is the sufferer, as in \"I am loved.\"
More of this at e.g. http://www.brownielocks.com/bloopers2.html
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The History of the World: a College Version
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