Off topic: Melting pot of all the spam we get by email
Thread poster: Nina Khmielnitzky
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258 th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me an instant and painful death when it bites me on the butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
AND LASTLY ... If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's best friend's sister.
Have a wonderful day....
Oh! Almost forgot: A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
| || |
| | Trudy Peters
Local time: 03:43
German to English
| | Ute Wietfeld
Local time: 08:43
English to German
| The South American Scientist... || May 23, 2007 |
.....arrived in my inbox for about the 7th time in 3 months this morning....
[Edited at 2007-05-23 21:00]
| Cry or laugh || May 23, 2007 |
I don't know whether to cry or laugh my head off about this?!
[Edited at 2007-05-23 22:03]
especially the "AND LASTLY..."
| | Henry Hinds
Local time: 01:43
English to Spanish
| Laugh all you want || May 24, 2007 |
I just collected 7,528,003 Euros from the late Rev. Thaddeus Mdembe´s estate in Nigeria, if you want I´ll cut you in too!
Need to launder some of it, you know.
| | Heinrich Pesch
Local time: 10:43
Finnish to German
| You forgot the most important of them all || May 24, 2007 |
Never open mail from unknown people, they could infest your brain with stupid ideas.
| With apologies to Descartes.. || May 24, 2007 |
I mail, therefore I am spammed
| | PAS
Local time: 09:43
English to Polish
On another note, have any of you taken the time (i.e. bothered ) to read what I call "spam literature"?
This is the text on the bottom of some spam e-mails, presumably to fool the spam filters.
same or verse born THE GONG Bang Bang Bla Bak print curve Blud Bugg Bloo. least set as feel a in being Do you broken sneeze call that army a discover man? says the citizen. the couple modern home same of
A times so month exact weeks the PADDY approval middle DIGNAM (Earnestly.) rhythm Once love I was in the employ before feelings This young it Every combined
person will was with audience time spread BLOOM plough (Uncloaks disagree liquid impressively, revealing obesity, u have the would to his remains feel go or of
various insects her like fork FIRST WATCH trousers (Sternly.) Come chance middle to the station. home I Some judge flatfoot apparatus tramp witty on repeatedly it in the morning. Useless. owns that it mass receive BLOOM jewel (Goaded, buttocksmothered.) read O! O! Monsters! BLOOM (Scared, prevent camera met hats himself steps top back, then, pluc started personal had tired BLOOM (Reflecting.) chop end Wheatenmeal from with lycopodium an is
ideas (The match room brake table cracks need violently. Bloom, raising a poli once resided more believable my about in and countdown a the
Thirty THE good MOTORMAN Hey, needle shitbreeches, sock reflect are you doing the particular object or festering pieces subject piles personal of AM. A. That of not bled launch enchanting strip No room. Let it go. paper waste
made (The portly figure power of nest amused swift John O'Connell, caretaker st hematal FATHER COFFEY house (Yawns, strengthen release then chants with a hoarse cr (An official crush around translation physical is read madly by Jimmy Henry, a like some for old is thing went one an that up reason appetizing
there are on meal was my scary JIMMY HENRY uneven person The keep Court of Conscience is now open. H so The written wall many mound hundreds and different of
dough found perceptions of moaning MARTHA color merrily (Sobbing describe behind her veil.) Breach of promis as a crawl Mr Bloom fail effaced the letters with process pen his slow boot. H for its years worry BELLO Ask for understood news that every ten minutes. swum Beg, pray fo transport BLOOM (Behind frozen his hand.) square She's interrupt drunk. The woman is day any way blade box VIRAG fit (Severely, his nose collar hardhumped, his side eye ago
to PADDY LEONARD read What am I to do blew about preach hit my rates and t s main the goal one was would object bottom to pass Therefore of It is not inconceivable that Bush is literally and determinedly drawn, consciously
my very counterpart. I compared his mind by each individual portion, him; so he was with Wendy when Peter came for her at the end of the and would only say, I am older than you, and must know better; mouse? Everything is so out-of-the-way down here, that I should
and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know you might catch a bat, and thats very like a mouse, you know. before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to their teeth, as they looked upward to the calm loveliness of the
been buried in the habiliments of life, and still wore their ancient it, or at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like triumph had hardened on them, and made death so life-like and so for me, and then some night you will hear me crowing.
I think youd take a fancy to cats if you could only see her. They are now embarked on the great adventure of the night when Peter one for catching mice-oh, I beg your pardon. cried Alice again, watching the lights as they twinkled gradually through the town, and
grave, where for a few moments, in the bright and silent midnight, This speech caused a remarkable sensation among the party. Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged table, all made of and here and there the rocky substance of the hill, peeping just above
and sister were represented as setting forth, at midnight, through the was past supper time, I detained them a while longer on the hill, and of grass was visible from the base upward. This deceitful verdure common grown-up, with a daughter called Margaret; and every
nature of Alice. But my soul had been conscious of the germ of all the brief epitome. This company of devils and condemned souls had come soon make you dry enough. They all sat down at once, in a large unhappy spot. No blight had fallen on old Essex; all was prosperity
By this time she had found her way into a tidy little room with the old one simply would not meet, but he never came. After a while, finding that nothing more happened, she decided wonder what was going to happen next. First, she tried to look
lunatics, whose ravings had chimed in with the madness of the land; man told how Walter Brome had taunted him with indubitable proofs of that the power to fly gradually left them. At first Nana tied their
No, I don't open each spam email I get, but curiosity, you know...
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Melting pot of all the spam we get by email
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