English to Chinese competition entry 英译中比赛稿件
Thread poster: Phil Hand

Phil Hand  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 12:50
Chinese to English
Feb 21, 2013

First of all, congratulations to Billy for winning in this pair.
I said I'd post this here for general discussion, so here it is (I've corrected a couple of errors):

We're accustomed to glamour in London SE26: Kelly Brook and Jason Statham used to live above the dentist. But when Anouska Hempel's heels hit the cracked cement of the parking space outside my flat, it's hard not to think of those Picture Post photographs of royalty visiting bombed-out families during the second world war. Her mission in my modest tract of suburbia is, however, about more than offering sympathy. Hempel—the woman who invented the boutique hotel before it bore any such proprietary name—has come to give me information for which, judging by the spreads in interiors magazines and anxious postings on online DIY forums, half the property-owners in the Western world seem desperate: how to give an ordinary home the look and the vibe of a five-star, £750-a-night hotel suite. To Hem­pelise, in this case, a modest conversion flat formed from the middle slice of a three-storey Victorian semi.
"You could do it," she says, casting an eye around my kitchen. "Anyone could do it. Absolutely no reason why not. But there has to be continuity between the rooms. A single idea must be followed through." She looks out wistfully over the fire escape. "And you'd have to buy the house next door, of course." That's a joke. I think.
...
It's worth pausing, though, to consider the oddness of this impulse. The hotel room is an amnesiac space. We would be troubled if it bore any sign of a previous occupant, particularly as many of us go to hotels in order to do things we would not do at home. We expect a hotel room to be cleaned as thoroughly as if a corpse had just been hauled from the bed. (In some cases, this will actually have happened.) The domestic interior embodies the opposite idea: it is a repository of memories. The story of its inhabitants ought to be there in the photos on the mantelpiece, the pictures on the wall, the books on the shelves. If hotel rooms were people, they would be smiling lobotomy patients or plausible psychopaths.


我家所在的伦敦SE26区里,曾经有著名美男美女夫妻杰森•斯坦森和凯莉•布鲁克住在社区牙医店楼上,可以说,我区对大人大事并不陌生!但是在精品酒店的创始人Anouska Hempel(安努斯卡•亨佩尔)女士的高跟鞋在楼下停车位的破水泥上打响时,尊贵的气质与低劣环境形成鲜明对比,难免想起二战时期报纸刊登不绝的英皇室走进受轰炸家庭的图像。当然,亨佩尔女士的来意不是为了慰问,那么这位酒店行业的偶像为什么来到伦敦的一个普通的生活区呢?她今天的目的是要给我再宝贵不过的建议:即怎么将普通住宅改装成一晚七千多元的五星级酒店的样式。从众多室内设计杂志专题报道和网上装修论坛上层出不穷的求助帖子来看,酒店套房的风格正是西方国家大半的房主拼命追求的时尚。今天呢,要被“亨佩尔化”的标的是我的家:已经有上百年历史的半独立式三层房屋二楼改过来的一套平平常常的公寓。
她对着厨房稍看几眼说,“可以的,每个人都能做到,这套房子也并不例外。要在每间房间之间保持连接性,整体思路必须在每间房间里体现。”她往应急走廊的方向看外面去,感慨地说:“另外,隔壁房也得买下!”真希望这是一句冷笑话。
...
应该停下脚步来考虑一下,这种设计冲动其实很奇怪。应该知道,酒店客房毫无记忆,因为来到酒店的目的往往是为了做家里不能做的事情,所以前住客的任何迹象都令人难以接受,客房的清洁必须做得兢兢业业,正如房间刚有具尸体被拉出去一样(在酒店里,这是完全可能发生的的事)。而家庭的室内风格反之与酒店迥然不同,是记忆的仓库,一家人的历史应在炕上的照片里、在墙上的绘画中、在书架上的书本里得到充分的诠释。酒店客房若能化身为人的话,就像是接受过叶切断术的嘻嘻哈哈的傻子或油嘴滑舌的变态。


Here are a few of the questions I'm interested in:
我比较感兴趣的问题如下:

1) How would you edit this professionally? I.e. what are style issues, and what are errors?
一)如果在工作中被委托作校对,怎么校对呢?哪些问题属于风格的问题,哪些是需要修改的错译?

2) What could you do to make it more "Chinese"? I'm not a native speaker, any pointers would be helpful.
二)怎么让这篇译文读起来更加自然,像中国人写的一样?因为我的母语不是中文,请各位指点。

3) How do you reproduce the humour in Chinese? Particularly in the first few sentences, where the references to the British class system are hard to convey.
三)怎么体现原文的幽默?特别是头两句,涉及到英国的社会阶级意识的隐含不好表达出来!

4) A few difficult phrases:
四)有几句比较难翻译的英文:
"a modest conversion flat formed from the middle slice of a three-storey Victorian semi"
"She looks out wistfully over the fire escape." - How do you do the "over"?
"If hotel rooms were people, they would be smiling lobotomy patients or plausible psychopaths."


Of course, any other general comments are very welcome.
当然,不限于以上问题,任何评论和建议我都很期待!

[Edited at 2013-02-21 15:25 GMT]


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Echo Wu  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 12:50
English to Chinese
+ ...
很喜欢这篇译文 Feb 22, 2013

我也对这篇文章很感兴趣,所以虽然忙得有点焦头烂额也还是忍不住来回复一下。

我家所在的伦敦SE26区里,曾经有著名美男美女夫妻杰森•斯坦森和凯莉•布鲁克住在社区牙医店楼上,可以说,我区对大人大事并不陌生!
>> 我们对伦敦SE26区的光环并不陌生——杰森•斯坦森和凯莉•布鲁克这对明星情侣曾经就住在这里一家牙医诊所的楼上。

但是在精品酒店的创始人Anouska Hempel(安努斯卡•亨佩尔)女士的高跟鞋在楼下停车位的破水泥上打响时,尊贵的气质与低劣环境形成鲜明对比,难免想起二战时期报纸刊登不绝的英皇室走进受轰炸家庭的图像。
>>但是,当精品酒店创始人……时,难免令人想起二战时期《Picture Post》杂志刊登的英国皇室成员探访遭轰炸家庭的照片。
【Picture Post 是具体的杂志名称,参考:http://bpgartmedia.diandian.com/post/2012-07-03/40029911223 或 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Picture_Post……】

要被“亨佩尔化”的标的是我的家 >> 可以去掉”标的“或者将它改为”对象“】


她对着厨房稍看几眼 >>>【她朝厨房扫了一眼】
她往应急走廊的方向看外面去,感慨地说>>>【她往安全出口的方向看出去,若有所思地说】
*关于fire escape,我参考了http://baike.baidu.com/view/148296.htm

正如房间刚有具尸体被拉出去一样>>>【就好像】房间刚有具尸体被【拖】出去一样……


先写这么多。

如果让我校对这样一篇译文,我会觉得赏心悦目,但是实际上我很少有这样的机会。


[Edited at 2013-02-22 11:36 GMT]

[Edited at 2013-02-22 11:52 GMT]


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Phil Hand  Identity Verified
China
Local time: 12:50
Chinese to English
TOPIC STARTER
Moved to other thread Feb 22, 2013

Echo我已经把你的帖子拷贝到另外一个论坛里,希望大家可以在同一个地方进行讨论。
http://www.proz.com/forum/chinese/243782-english_to_chinese_competition_entry_英译中比赛稿件.html


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stephenward
United Kingdom
Local time: 05:50
Helpful May 19, 2015

Nice information!

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English to Chinese competition entry 英译中比赛稿件

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