First of all, congratulations to Billy for winning in this pair.
I said I'd post this here for general discussion, so here it is (I've corrected a couple of errors):
We're accustomed to glamour in London SE26: Kelly Brook and Jason Statham used to live above the dentist. But when Anouska Hempel's heels hit the cracked cement of the parking space outside my flat, it's hard not to think of those Picture Post photographs of royalty visiting bombed-out families during the second world war. Her mission in my modest tract of suburbia is, however, about more than offering sympathy. Hempel—the woman who invented the boutique hotel before it bore any such proprietary name—has come to give me information for which, judging by the spreads in interiors magazines and anxious postings on online DIY forums, half the property-owners in the Western world seem desperate: how to give an ordinary home the look and the vibe of a five-star, £750-a-night hotel suite. To Hempelise, in this case, a modest conversion flat formed from the middle slice of a three-storey Victorian semi.
"You could do it," she says, casting an eye around my kitchen. "Anyone could do it. Absolutely no reason why not. But there has to be continuity between the rooms. A single idea must be followed through." She looks out wistfully over the fire escape. "And you'd have to buy the house next door, of course." That's a joke. I think.
It's worth pausing, though, to consider the oddness of this impulse. The hotel room is an amnesiac space. We would be troubled if it bore any sign of a previous occupant, particularly as many of us go to hotels in order to do things we would not do at home. We expect a hotel room to be cleaned as thoroughly as if a corpse had just been hauled from the bed. (In some cases, this will actually have happened.) The domestic interior embodies the opposite idea: it is a repository of memories. The story of its inhabitants ought to be there in the photos on the mantelpiece, the pictures on the wall, the books on the shelves. If hotel rooms were people, they would be smiling lobotomy patients or plausible psychopaths.
Here are a few of the questions I'm interested in:
1) How would you edit this professionally? I.e. what are style issues, and what are errors?
2) What could you do to make it more "Chinese"? I'm not a native speaker, any pointers would be helpful.
3) How do you reproduce the humour in Chinese? Particularly in the first few sentences, where the references to the British class system are hard to convey.
4) A few difficult phrases:
"a modest conversion flat formed from the middle slice of a three-storey Victorian semi"
"She looks out wistfully over the fire escape." - How do you do the "over"?
"If hotel rooms were people, they would be smiling lobotomy patients or plausible psychopaths."
Of course, any other general comments are very welcome.
[Edited at 2013-02-21 15:25 GMT]