manage one's needs

English translation: to control one's [emotional] needs or expectations

19:05 Nov 13, 2019
English language (monolingual) [PRO]
General / Conversation / Greetings / Letters / adults with preoccupied attachment
English term or phrase: manage one's needs
Dear colleagues,
I’m not sure I’ve understood correctly the phrase “difficulty managing their needs” in the passage below, taken from an American parenting book. It refers to adults with preoccupied attachment. Does it mean that they are not able to successfully keep their needs under control, or just the opposite, that is, they give up their needs in the context of close relationships?
Many sincere thanks for your help!


*****************

Kids with this ambivalent attachment pattern develop what’s called, in adults, a preoccupied attachment pattern, which is characterized by this chaotic and highly emotional way of connecting in close relationships. (…) Their relational lives are thus characterized by high-emotion turmoil and significant anxiety. *** They may often have difficulty managing their needs with the people they care about ***, and they consistently give rein to their big emotions, like anger, resentment, and fear of past relationships. It creates within them a conflict in that their volcano of emotions can sometimes produce a fundamental passivity in their responses to the world, as feelings of shame and self-doubt leave them with that confused core self. They experience an urgency for connection that pushes others away, thus creating a feed¬back loop that reinforces their impression that others are not dependable. Their magnified attachment drive is filled with worry and confusion. Trust issues then predictably arise, and the cycle continues, reinforcing the very internal states that may have contributed to the confusion.
haribert
Local time: 12:41
Selected answer:to control one's [emotional] needs or expectations
Explanation:
I think it's the first meaning you give.
In this context, I understand "difficulty managing their needs with the people they care about" as difficulty managing their expectations and correctly interpreting the signs that their loved ones use to express their love, etc. Therefore, they constantly seek emotional reassurance and proof that their family and friends care about them.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquer-the-clutter/...

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Note added at 27 mins (2019-11-13 19:33:16 GMT)
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Another way to put it would probably be "to maintain emotional balance" towards building healthy relationships.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communicati...

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Note added at 1 hr (2019-11-13 20:13:13 GMT)
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No worries, hope I helped!
Selected response from:

Ilias Marios Kounas
Greece
Local time: 13:41
Grading comment
Thank you very much, Ilias Marios, for your help! I sincerely thank all the other participants, whose useful remarks I'll definitely take into account!
4 KudoZ points were awarded for this answer



SUMMARY OF ALL EXPLANATIONS PROVIDED
4 +3to control one's [emotional] needs or expectations
Ilias Marios Kounas
3to have difficuty in managing/controlling their own emotions
Juan Arturo Blackmore Zerón
Summary of reference entries provided
I generally agree with Ilias but there's much more to the world of s.o. with preoccupied attachment
Vilina Svetoslavova

  

Answers


18 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 3/5Answerer confidence 3/5
to have difficuty in managing/controlling their own emotions


Explanation:
They have difficulty in managing/controlling their own emotions toward the people they care about.

Juan Arturo Blackmore Zerón
Mexico
Local time: 05:41
Native speaker of: Spanish
Notes to answerer
Asker: Thank you very much, Juan Arturo, for your interesting contribution!


Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
neutral  AllegroTrans: This is not about controlling personsl emotions, but managing emotional needs . which is not quite the same thing. See https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=the 4 emo...
1 day 3 hrs
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16 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 4/5Answerer confidence 4/5 peer agreement (net): +3
to control one's [emotional] needs or expectations


Explanation:
I think it's the first meaning you give.
In this context, I understand "difficulty managing their needs with the people they care about" as difficulty managing their expectations and correctly interpreting the signs that their loved ones use to express their love, etc. Therefore, they constantly seek emotional reassurance and proof that their family and friends care about them.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquer-the-clutter/...

--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 27 mins (2019-11-13 19:33:16 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

Another way to put it would probably be "to maintain emotional balance" towards building healthy relationships.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communicati...

--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 1 hr (2019-11-13 20:13:13 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

No worries, hope I helped!

Ilias Marios Kounas
Greece
Local time: 13:41
Works in field
Native speaker of: Native in GreekGreek
PRO pts in category: 4
Grading comment
Thank you very much, Ilias Marios, for your help! I sincerely thank all the other participants, whose useful remarks I'll definitely take into account!
Notes to answerer
Asker: Thank you so much, Ilias, for your useful contribution!


Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
agree  philgoddard
33 mins

neutral  AllegroTrans: This is not about controlling personsl emotions, but managing emotional needs . which is not quite the same thing. See https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=the 4 emo...
14 hrs

agree  MARK ROBERTSON
15 hrs

neutral  B D Finch: I think it also has to cover their management of how they express their needs. Indeed, that is probably the primary meaning.
19 hrs

agree  Ali Sharifi
1 day 19 hrs
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Reference comments


14 hrs peer agreement (net): +4
Reference: I generally agree with Ilias but there's much more to the world of s.o. with preoccupied attachment

Reference information:
It's important to understand what motivates the behaviour of the anxiously/preoccupied attached child/adult.

The preoccupied attachment style according to Kim Bartholomew (1991) “is characterized by an over involvement in close relationships, a dependence on other people’s acceptance for a sense personal well-being, a tendency to idealize other people, and incoherence and exaggerated emotionality in discussing relationships” (p 228).

Those who have a preoccupied attachment style tend to fall head over heels in love with a new romantic interest in a short period of time. They exhibit strong dependency on others to maintain positive self-regard and they reach out to others to fulfill their needs (unlike the dismissive attachment style). This becomes their main approach to attachment due to their positive regard for others and negative self-perception.

When attachment needs go unmet, the behaviour escalates and the anxious person may resort to protest behaviour. A protest behaviour is any action that tries to reestablish connection with the partner and get their attention. If we can reassure our partner’s needs before they engage in protest behaviour, then they can be calmed very quickly. If things continue to escalate and needs continue to go unmet, protest behaviour ensues and can harm the relationship.

Insecurely attached individuals did not feel security in their early relationships and developed different adaptations to attempt to get their needs met. In one style, called anxious attachment in children and ambivalent or preoccupied attachment in adults, the individual learned that to get his or her needs met by staying focused on the caregiver and remaining in their proximity; eventually they will meet the child's needs.

Preoccupied individuals have a more frantic, less-confident approach to getting their needs met by others. They tend to act clingy or needy, because their needs were inconsistently met as children. They may have had a parent who sometimes met their needs, but at other times acted out of their own needs or was intrusive with the child. These unresolved issues from childhood play out in their present day relationships, making them feel anxious and insecure, even when there is no need to feel this way. Think about the person who is constantly jealous or overly worried about his partner's whereabouts, or the person who never believes her spouse really loves her and constantly seeks reassurance. Another way a person might recreate this pattern in their adult relationships is to unconsciously be drawn to partners who are inconsistently available, thus recreating the feeling of their early environment. In essence, they can maintain their defended posture; they may feel miserable but in an old familiar way.


    https://the-love-compass.com/2014/02/22/understanding-the-needs-of-the-anxiouspreoccupied-attachment-style/
    https://www.huffpost.com/entry/attachment-style_b_5248510
Vilina Svetoslavova
Bulgaria
Native speaker of: Native in BulgarianBulgarian
Note to reference poster
Asker: Thank you very much, Vilina, for your interesting reference!


Peer comments on this reference comment (and responses from the reference poster)
agree  Yvonne Gallagher: yes, it goes much deeper https://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/
5 hrs
agree  B D Finch
5 hrs
agree  AllegroTrans: Yes it's about management of the basic human emotional needs
13 hrs
agree  Tina Vonhof
14 hrs
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