mingling immediately into rushing streams

English translation: forming little rivulets which quickly merged into rushing streams

13:29 Apr 24, 2005
English to English translations [PRO]
Art/Literary - Poetry & Literature / children's literature
English term or phrase: mingling immediately into rushing streams
Soon there were large puddles on their way. The rain pattered on the stones, tiny streamlets of water mingling immediately into rushing streams.

Dear native English speakers!
I'm not sure if this phrase of mine sounds OK. Please advise if it could be transformed in one way or another to sound better. This is my translation from Russian.
Thank you!
Andrew Vdovin
Local time: 04:13
English translation:forming little rivulets which quickly merged into rushing streams
Explanation:
Soon they were seeing large puddles along their way. The rain pattered on the stones, forming little rivulets which quickly merged into rushing streams.
Selected response from:

Refugio
Local time: 14:13
Grading comment
Thanks a lot for your help Ruth! Thanks everybody!!!
4 KudoZ points were awarded for this answer



Summary of answers provided
4 +7forming little rivulets which quickly merged into rushing streams
Refugio
5water in tiny streamlets gathered at once into rushing streams...plus other slight rearrangements
Elizabeth Lyons
4below
Robert Donahue (X)
4See explanation below...
Tony M


  

Answers


11 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 4/5Answerer confidence 4/5
See explanation below...


Explanation:
First, 'puddles on their way': I think you'd be better to say 'puddles along their way' or '...along their path', as 'something on the way' is a specific construction in English meaning 'about to arrive' --- like saying 'she had a baby on the way', or 'the first snow is a sign that Christmas is on the way' --- i.e. won't be long in coming.

Secondly, I'm not sure about the use of 'immediately', it sounds a little bit odd here. I'd be more inclined to say something along the lines of "tiny rivulets of water soon joining hands into rushing streamlets"

I'd avoid the use of streams, unless you literally mean that there is a stream running alongide the road into which the rivulets run.

'mingling' is a nice word, but questionable here, perhaps, inamsuch as my image of it involves the mixing of two different things in such a way as to merge invisibly, like 'plain clothes policeman mingling with the crowd', rather than the idea of a sort of confluence, as here.

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Note added at 13 mins (2005-04-24 13:42:29 GMT)
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Apologies for typos: alongside, inasmuch :-(

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Note added at 35 mins (2005-04-24 14:04:40 GMT)
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...maybe those rivulets could be \'...soon flowing together to form rushing streams\' --- now, worded like this, you COULD get away with \'streams\'

Tony M
France
Local time: 23:13
Works in field
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in category: 256

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
neutral  Robert Donahue (X): I don't know if they mean "puddles on their way" as if the puddles would soon form, or your definition. Without that context I'm disinclined to change it. Water joining hands? Not feeling that so much either. Otherwise your advice is sound.
8 mins
  -> Thanks, Robert! That's the way I read it first, and the mere fact it could be ambiguous indicates a rewrite; I quite like my image of the rivulets joining hands (like children...), like 'joining forces...'
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16 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 4/5Answerer confidence 4/5
below


Explanation:
Soon there were large puddles on their way. The rain pattered the stones and soon tiny streamlets of water intermingled and turned into rushing streams.

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Note added at 44 mins (2005-04-24 14:13:57 GMT)
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Two slightly different versions for your perusal.

Soon there were large puddles on their way. The rain pattered the stones and tiny streamlets of water intermingled and turned into rushing streams.

Soon large puddles began to form. The rain pattered the stones and then tiny streamlets of water intermingled turning into rushing streams.

Robert Donahue (X)
Specializes in field
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in category: 44

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
neutral  Tony M: Nice, but it worries me to repeat 'soon' in quite such rapid succession, plus the arguable clumsiness now of 'intermingled and turned into...'
15 mins
  -> So drop the second soon : )
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1 hr   confidence: Answerer confidence 4/5Answerer confidence 4/5 peer agreement (net): +7
forming little rivulets which quickly merged into rushing streams


Explanation:
Soon they were seeing large puddles along their way. The rain pattered on the stones, forming little rivulets which quickly merged into rushing streams.

Refugio
Local time: 14:13
Specializes in field
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in category: 120
Grading comment
Thanks a lot for your help Ruth! Thanks everybody!!!

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
agree  Tony M: Nice one, Ruth! Maybe that 'which...' kind of interrupts the flow a bit? Would 'that' not be OK in AE?
13 mins
  -> Thanks, Dusty. Yes, 'that' sounds fine. I think my ear liked the 'squishy' sound of 'which'.

agree  jerrie
14 mins
  -> Thanks, Jerrie

agree  Robert Donahue (X): I like what you did with the first sentence Ruth. Actually, I like what you did with the second one too. Nice job.
21 mins
  -> Thank you, Rob

agree  humbird: Nicely done. A drop of rain gathered and formed into a brook that eventually grown to be a big river.
28 mins
  -> Thank you, humbird

agree  Can Altinbay: Yes, really nice.
48 mins
  -> Thanks, Can

agree  Java Cafe
58 mins
  -> Thanks, Java

agree  French Foodie
1 hr
  -> Thanks, Mara
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3 hrs   confidence: Answerer confidence 5/5
water in tiny streamlets gathered at once into rushing streams...plus other slight rearrangements


Explanation:
"Soon, large puddles were on their way. The rain pattered on the stones and water in tiny streamlets gathered at once into rushing streams."

This might need a few changes in the punctuation (I could suggest, but I don't want to re-write this too much).

Just a slight rearrangement and diction change. I would simplify the sentence to avoid a break in its rhythym, so it blends seamlessly with the rest of the text. Just my suggestions.


Elizabeth Lyons
United States
Local time: 14:13
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in category: 24
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