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poetic phrase

English translation: another version

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03:10 Dec 17, 2003
French to English translations [PRO]
Art/Literary
French term or phrase: poetic phrase
The following sentence has me flummoxed. Any ideas? This should get your creative juices flowing!

"Je me sens dans cette condition au sommet qui transforme le regard
qui jaillit sur une rupture"

Here's the context:

J'habite un pays de frontière près du grand océan qui m'a appris à distinguer les soirs
et autres à venir.
Je me sens dans cette condition au sommet qui transforme le regard
qui jaillit sur une rupture et qui me donne la sensation
que ma terre est assaillie par les assauts répétés de nos imprudences.
Cela agite mon esprit et me projette vers l¹ailleurs,
vers les lendemains d¹inquiétude pour les générations à venir.

Thanks, Karen
Karen Tucker
United States
Local time: 07:27
English translation:another version
Explanation:
I think it's "le regard qui jaillit sur une rupture" that's transformed by going up the mountain. "La rupture" would be the break in continuity of the field of the vision caused by some obstacle (such as the mountain itself). Once at the peak, the viewer's field of vision would be continuous (likes somebody looking out over the ocean).


--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 5 hrs 0 min (2003-12-17 08:11:06 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

Such is my state of mind on the peak that transforms a gaze
that breaks upon an obstacle,

--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 8 hrs 3 mins (2003-12-17 11:14:47 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

Poems can never be pinned down to one simple meaning, and that is their whole value, but here\'s one possible political interpretation:
The speaker lives near the ocean with a cliff on one side, and s/he\'s always felt that all the dangers of invasion came from abroad. Having \"climbed to the top of the cliff\", s/he can see that are just as many dangers to the people on the home front, largely brought about by themselves (nos imprudences).

--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 11 hrs 3 mins (2003-12-17 14:14:17 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------


As far as the style of the poem goes, I\'d say it\'s definitely in the style of \"l\'écriture blanche\" of Camus, i.e. deliberately close to ordinary speech, devoid of the typical flowery ornaments of \"precious poetry\", which got such a bad rap by the existentialists.
Selected response from:

William Stein
Costa Rica
Local time: 06:27
Grading comment
Thanks for your thorough answer, William. You gave me a much better understanding of the phrase, though I'll have to play around with the wording. I agree that it could be open to a number of interpretations. And I agree with the comment that this could take a week to translate! Unfortunately, it's due today. Poetry must be the hardest type of text to translate. Karen
4 KudoZ points were awarded for this answer

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Summary of answers provided
3 +1another version
William Stein
3I feel suffused by this summit vision which transforms perspectives which brings forth a severing...
Emérentienne
3I feel in that condition at the summit which transforms one's outlook, which propels one toward a spCHE124
2 -1I find myself gushed forth to a peak where my gaze is transfixed by a slash of naturemarkmx


  

Answers


18 mins   confidence: Answerer confidence 2/5Answerer confidence 2/5 peer agreement (net): -1
I find myself gushed forth to a peak where my gaze is transfixed by a slash of nature


Explanation:
Huge liberties taken, and I'm thinking of Sigourney Weaver's view of the Andean Pacific in 'Death and the Maiden'

--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 2003-12-17 03:45:48 (GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

(this is just a spontaneous suggestion, not any kind of quote from the original play or screenplay)

markmx
Local time: 13:27
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in pair: 63

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
disagree  French2English: ...for which we are all thankful! This English sentence is meaningless and totally unpoetic...
10 hrs
  -> which coming from a 4-point pharmaceutical-language specialist speaking on behalf of the entire world, I take as a compliment
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1 hr   confidence: Answerer confidence 3/5Answerer confidence 3/5
I feel in that condition at the summit which transforms one's outlook, which propels one toward a sp


Explanation:
which propels one toward a split...
Although "jaillir" has many meanings, I felt that "propel toward" conveyed both the sense of "surging forth" and "fusing with" inherent in this verb.

I put "split" for "rupture", because the writer's cultural feelings seem
similar to those of someone who is about to break off a relationship.

Is there meant to be a comma after "le regard"??

CHE124
New Zealand
Local time: 01:27
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7 hrs   confidence: Answerer confidence 3/5Answerer confidence 3/5
I feel suffused by this summit vision which transforms perspectives which brings forth a severing...


Explanation:
parti pris de la vision pour condition et d'une approche figurative du sommet qui me parait plus près du texte.

Emérentienne
France
Local time: 13:27
Native speaker of: French
PRO pts in pair: 320

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
neutral  French2English: too many 'whiches'
3 hrs
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4 hrs   confidence: Answerer confidence 3/5Answerer confidence 3/5 peer agreement (net): +1
another version


Explanation:
I think it's "le regard qui jaillit sur une rupture" that's transformed by going up the mountain. "La rupture" would be the break in continuity of the field of the vision caused by some obstacle (such as the mountain itself). Once at the peak, the viewer's field of vision would be continuous (likes somebody looking out over the ocean).


--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 5 hrs 0 min (2003-12-17 08:11:06 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

Such is my state of mind on the peak that transforms a gaze
that breaks upon an obstacle,

--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 8 hrs 3 mins (2003-12-17 11:14:47 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------

Poems can never be pinned down to one simple meaning, and that is their whole value, but here\'s one possible political interpretation:
The speaker lives near the ocean with a cliff on one side, and s/he\'s always felt that all the dangers of invasion came from abroad. Having \"climbed to the top of the cliff\", s/he can see that are just as many dangers to the people on the home front, largely brought about by themselves (nos imprudences).

--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 11 hrs 3 mins (2003-12-17 14:14:17 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------


As far as the style of the poem goes, I\'d say it\'s definitely in the style of \"l\'écriture blanche\" of Camus, i.e. deliberately close to ordinary speech, devoid of the typical flowery ornaments of \"precious poetry\", which got such a bad rap by the existentialists.

William Stein
Costa Rica
Local time: 06:27
Native speaker of: Native in EnglishEnglish
PRO pts in pair: 1737
Grading comment
Thanks for your thorough answer, William. You gave me a much better understanding of the phrase, though I'll have to play around with the wording. I agree that it could be open to a number of interpretations. And I agree with the comment that this could take a week to translate! Unfortunately, it's due today. Poetry must be the hardest type of text to translate. Karen

Peer comments on this answer (and responses from the answerer)
agree  Tony M: Yes, I was thinking just the same. And depending on the wider context, might this be figurative for a different kind of 'rupture' -- a break-up (of relationship, for example)?
1 hr
  -> Maybe on one level, but I think it's very social: pays, nos imprudences, generations à venir...Not your typical lyric poem concerned with a single couple.

neutral  Emérentienne: c'est dommage que state of mind ne rende pas compte de la sensation
2 hrs
  -> That's my translation of "condition" (referring back to the first sentence)

neutral  French2English: William seems to have the best understanding of what's involved, but the English still doesn't really work - it lacks the poetry of the original. This sort of sentence should take a good translator about a week...
5 hrs
  -> You're obviously not a native speaker of English so I don't what makes you so such a great judge of English style.
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