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Off topic: Steven Wright's wisdom
Thread poster: Edwal Rospigliosi

Edwal Rospigliosi  Identity Verified
Local time: 20:18
English to Spanish
+ ...
Aug 24, 2004

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than we do -- to our amazement and amusement.

Here are some his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, So what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.



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Agua  Identity Verified
English to Spanish
+ ...
Thank you very much :-). Aug 24, 2004

Hello again,

Just wanting to let you know I enjoyed them a lot.



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Jack Doughty  Identity Verified
United Kingdom
Local time: 19:18
Member (2000)
Russian to English
+ ...
Thank you. Here are some more. Aug 24, 2004

Thanks, Edwal. I'd never heard of him, but he's great. Just found a few more on Google.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

What's another word for thesaurus?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a coat hanger.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Half the people you know are below average.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

[Edited at 2004-08-25 02:18]

[Edited at 2004-08-25 13:52]

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Sara Freitas
Local time: 20:18
French to English
And you can hear that famous deadpan delivery here... Aug 25, 2004

Good for a few laughs to break up the workday!


[Edited at 2004-08-30 08:42]

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George Rabel  Identity Verified
Local time: 14:18
English to Spanish
+ ...
wonderful! Aug 25, 2004

I always considered Steven Wright a genius. He is a true original. Thanks so much, I have not seen him in a long time, but his lines are classics.
"This morning I stuck my head out of the window and smiled for a satellite photograph".

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